Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Take off...

I know your parents used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted. Right now, I want you to be gone...

I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm mean. I'm not mean spirited or coldhearted. It's more like I'm really not nice. There are 2 kinds of people: people I like and everyone else. Once I like you, you're in. But if I don't like you, or if I like you and then stop liking you... Well, you know how they say the grass is greener on the other side? No only is it not greener on the side of "everyone else", but there's no grass at all. Just a bunch of lames. fronts. skeezers and scandalous stunts.

I don't enjoy being mean. I just feel driven to it by the behaviors of those around me. I mean, don't I look like I don't play??? I practically have "GO AWAY" in big bold letters on the doormat of my personality. Seriously. If I want to talk to you I will let you know. We can even develop a signal...a code if you will. If (not when) I want to talk to you I will start talking to you first. Unless I initiate conversation then the signal has not been given and we should not be engaging in conversation.

I'm making a list. Not my list to Santa (which, I'm far too grown to be writing but, if I did at the very top of my list would be a request for a better boy than the one he left me last year...and should he feel the need to re-gift this same boy to me this year, could be please make sure the modifications stick this time...and that the refurbished model is as functional as a new one would be...) but a more in depth list. Have you seen Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married"??? The movie---not the play. I'm sure the play is similar to the movie but for the sake of what I'm about to say it's the movie version that is most relevant. There's a part in there where the wife of the chick married to the doctor makes a list of all the good her man has ever done and all the bad he has ever done. If the bad outweighs the good then she should let him go...but if the good outweighs the bad then she go back to him and make it work. That's the list I'm making...

I will let you know how it comes out...

...you did me dirty but I ain't mad at all. bottom line, I hope you find what you searching for...

Friday, December 18, 2009

I'm back...again

I've been gone for a minute, but I'm back now. I've tried a couple different ways to bring you up to speed, but everything keeps getting lost in translation.

a few things-detailing the details of the past 8 months.

1) Grandma had a stroke. Shocking as it was in the moment it was less severe than it seems in those seconds that pass slow like hours. She is all better now...sassy as ever.

2) I had a mole removed. 4 actually. 1 was more problematic than I had anticipated. 36 stitches, 4 days in bed and 4 months later I'm not out of the woods yet. 2 more moles. 1 surgery. I will let you know how it goes.

3) I still hate my job. Yes, both of them. I acquired a 3rd. Teaching. Now that, I love.

4) He's still around. I thought there would be an exit stage left after May, but not so much. This summer and the months since have been harder on me than I'm willing to admit to anyone (except my therapist) or anything (except this blog). I hate that I love him. And because it's an unrequited love if there ever were one, I'm going to end up hating him before the curtain closes.

5) When God closes a door, he opens a window. My window is more like an awesome set of french doors that have me doubled over in laughter daily. I never thought I'd meet another person as awesome as me...and then I did.

6) Despite the aforementioned, I don't talk to God very often anymore. I am sad about this but not so sad that I'm doing anything about it. I'm working on accepting that the very love that should never hurt causes more pain than I know what to do with.

7) As far as I know my ex is still married. I haven't talked to him in over 4 months and I must say, I don't miss him...but I thought I would. I hoped that the change in action would be backed by changes in the person behind the action. Not so much...

7 a) Step away from the facebook message box. and the Blackberry Messenger. I do not want to talk to you. Maybe ever. But definitely not now.

8) My hair is still short. Despite all requests for it not to be it-it will remain that way...at least for the foreseeable future

9) I have not acquired any new tattoos. I want one, 2 actually but haven't been able to find exactly what I want and I'm not in love with the freestyle work I've seen lately. So, I will keep looking.

10) Best friends are those that stick with you in the middle of the storm and are willing to share their umbrella. You have some people who will be with you in the rain, but aren't willing to get a little wet to see you stay a little dry...

like a boy...

It's like this

I like a boy. I liked this boy. And then one day I discovered I might even love this boy.
But the last boy broke a soft heart and made it hard for this boy.
So I act hard so he won't think I'm soft.

Those other boys, those past boys took me to school and taught me well.
The lessons were hard...some hurt and some cut me and some made me bleed.
But those boys, those past boys taught me to dust off, get up...get back in the game.

Turns out, they didn't teach me anything I really needed to know.
Everything I need to know, it's true-I learned in kindergarten.
Except how to share. I overshare. So it's less like sharing and more like giving...my whole heart away.

My girls taught me how to be slick. be cute. be sly. taught me how to lie...like a boy.
They make sure I always keep a spare. Another boy, in case the boy I like decides he doesn't like me.

I think like a boy. I like this boy. Liked this boy. Loved this boy. Until he acted just like a boy...
Forgot that girls have hearts too.

Like most boys, this boy and his boys run round like boys, chasing skirts.
Tossing change to girls who have mastered thinking like boys.
That's a boy hustle with girl swag.

So, there's this other boy. I don't like this boy...but he likes me.
It passes the time.
This boy, like most boys, doesn't care about that boy. And then, I don't either.

I liked this boy. Could have been a wife to this boy.
But like a boy I didn't see far enough ahead.
You see, I think like a boy...but I hurt just. like. a girl...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What happens in the dark...

...will eventually show up in the mini feed.

What do I look like...captain save a relationship??? You gotta be kidding me...

So, my ex is married. Congrats. So thrilled for the both of them...really. While I don't necessarily agree with his decision I am actually happy for him. Finding the person that you are meant to be with is one of God's greatest blessings...and I can't hate on anyone for feeling as if they have found that. I don't agree with the decision for a multitude of reasons...none of which are the standard, "he should be with me". Those reasons are more along the line of "that's not what I would have done..." So, he's married and I'm happy that he's happy. yay. Really.

We still talk...*gasp*. Not so frequently as to create a problem but enough that I still consider him my friend. And if he were not married he'd be my best friend. The fact that he's married really throws the whole best friend thing for a loop because I can imagine that it would annoy his spouse that I can finish his sentences and that he knows I'm about to say something well before I actually have the words formulated in my head. Scary...

We are friends and apparently, this is a problem. Not for me...and I'm sure not for him...but for every.one.else. According to the masses I'm "disrespecting their marriage", "entertaining his feelings for me" and "causing problems". wow. Now, normally I don't care what anyone else thinks. And to be honest, this is not really an exception. But I must explain because I'm tired of people judging me. don't.judge.me. It's not a good look for anyone.

I do not love him. At all. Anymore. Not even a little. He will always have a very special place in my heart and my life because of all the time we've known each other. We stood by each other and loved each other through 6...almost 7 years. I can't imagine what life would be like if I couldn't ever talk to him or couldn't share in the moments in his life that make him happy...and he share in mine. If I wanted to complicate his marriage...or the relationship that led to the nuptials, I'd have done so. And please trust that I wouldn't be plotting and planning here in SC when he's 7+ hours away. What kind of sense does that make??? Furthermore, that's not who I am... I am however the type of person who refuses to cut off my nose to spite my face...and ending a friendship with someone who knows me as well as I know myself (better in some cases) would hurt far more than ending the actual relationship ever did.

Someone posed the question, "how would you feel if you were her..." and the answer to that question is "not as smart as the (awesome) femme who pens this blog..." . Seriously. If I were her, there's a whole lot about this situation that would different. That aside, I'd feel like this..."..." I don't care. I'm not like a lot of people. I'm not like a lot of females. Women get all bent out of shape when another female intrudes on their "man space". It becomes a battle of wills...lots of name calling and being bitter. All because he wanted to have a friend that had a vagina...and you, as the woman in his life is mad because you think what he's interested in is the vagina...and in all actuality...he's interested in having someone else to talk to besides...well, you. Granted, when I was younger, I fell into that category. Now, not so much. Go. Talk. Make friends. Do whatever it takes to get you off my (very comfy) sofa where you sit and stare at me like I'm the most awesome thing ever created (I might be, but please, go somewhere). I'm all about whomever I'm dating (married to should that occur one day) having friends. Whatever the sex. Because I've learned...the hard way...that you can't s top a boy from letting his penis wander. So, while she may fear that a) I want her husband and b) he wants me back... I'd like to say that c) none of that is true...and d) if you didn't know that already-you might want to rethink the vows. I'm just sayin'...

Enough with the "..."

Now.. I'll admit that I have no idea where he stands in the emotions area. But I would like say that in all his shortcomings The Ex has never been the type of guy to take marriage anything less than very serious. He's a good person. I'm sure he is an excellent husband. And I'm also sure that even if he did carry a torch for me he wouldn't have married her...and if he did, that's his bad...but that has nothing to do with me. Can't help it that I'm amazing. And...if all of that hasn't cleared up the "why are you still talking to him" issue...I leave you this: he is far more entertaining than the rest of you...and since when did Blackberry Messenger count as talking???...and why are you all in my business???...you want to pay the cellular bill???...it's due by the 10th and late after the 15th.

I want people to re-think what they post on Facebook. If you can't stop the virtual spewing of feelings and posting of pictures and new relationships then I ask that you change your privacy settings such that everything you get into does not show up on my mini feed. If you want to treat me like I don't know...then create a situation where I will actually not know. And, truthfully...Facebook is not that serious and I could honestly care less. It's just that it's in poor taste to behave in the way people do...and then act all different later like...it's not all online in e'rbody's mini feed. As classy as I keep it, it would be in poor taste for me not to let you know. If you plan to run game...keep your game tight...

In other news...

There isn't any. Keep it movin'

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Man up...

Seriously.

I'm not quite sure why I waited over an hour for my little brother to come and change my flat tire (and take it to get it repaired) while a (seemingly) perfectly good and able bodied guy was sitting, like...right there. In the moment, I think I was too irritated with Honda's and State Farm's lack of concern for my deflated tire...and so it didn't dawn on me that the person with whom I'd dined could have at least offered. Now, I'm as independent as they come and as such I am completely capable of changing my own tire. I just...won't. And in that moment, heels and nice jeans be damned, I would have jacked Juan Carlos up and changed his socks and shoes...but I didn't want to shame the guy...and had he attempted to help after not helping before, I'd have had to make him walk back to where he came from...

*news flash...it appears that the aforementioned person is off the market. I'm totally crying a river over this one... and by totally I mean not...* and the importance of that notification is made even more clear by the fact I typed in it all lower case...well, except for the "I"...because those refer to Me...and no matter what, I'm always important...even if the thing I'm speaking of is not... moving on...

Let's see...what's new???

Only a couple more weeks until the end of the semester. This bittersweet. Sweet because who doesn't love summer vacay...and bitter because well, I'll be taking classes (finishing up thesis and taking anatomy) and because all my favs will be leaving me :( I never thought I'd love this many more people. It's hard to imagine life without seeing these people all the time like I do now. And yes, we are all moving in to bigger and better things...but that doesn't mean that I'll miss them any less.

I'm also back to 2-a-days in the gym. Not excited about those. I'm SO sick of seeing myself all plump in these pictures people keep posting on Facebook. I am not plump...but the camera adds 10 pounds, which is exactly why I keep insisting that people not take photos. And furthermore if they must take the pictures why do they have to tag them??? Its one thing for you to have a memento of the moment post lunch when I was not at my thinnest moment of the day...another thing entirely for you to post that pic online and tag it so that everyone and their momma can see it. So, I figure if I want to look my real weight in pictures then I have to lose like 10...15 more pounds. I have no idea where this weight will come from...especially since my trainer has explained to me (at length) that I really only have about 5 more pounds that I can lose and maintain. Whatev...

I guess I should at least look like I'm working. So, here goes...

Have a good one...no really, I mean it.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Put On...

***This week in history the #1 song---none other than "Bust a Move" by Young MC...download your piece of history today***

Go play somewhere I'm busy...

Any ideas on the best way to tell someone, "hey, you've f'ed up...now, go away..." without, you know, sounding all mean and whatnot...

I'm still on the relationship rant.

Why is it that it's females (I would have said women, but that's a topic that should be saved for another day...) that are expected to be the ones to be emotionally resilient??? To have hearts that are covered in fortitude??? To experience treatment that is beyond cruel and still smile and accept your best (but still lame...) efforts at "game"???

Granted, guys have their hearts broken too. I know some guys who have been through some pretty tough and tight spots with females...and my heart goes out to them. But this is not about them...

I think the issue is that since females are the more emotional sex then we are expected to be "willing"...for lack of a better word...to put ourselves out there in the name of love. And because guys are the more non-emotional sex then it's a bigger deal for them to step out on the emotional ledge. And therefore women should be appreciative of their emotional efforts. Can I step out on a ledge and say...bullshit??? Well, I mean...it is, bullshit. Just because mean don't love as often or as hard does not mean that we have to treat each effort at opening up like a lunar eclipse.

Am I happy for you that you opened up. Of course... But that does not mean that you get a steak and a blow job for doing so. In a relationship you are supposed to open up to your significant other. That's a lot of what he/she is there for...for you to talk to, be supported by...encouraged by. If you don't let them in-they will be out (obviously)...and you know what happens when you leave something valuable outside??? Someone else will come a long and scoop it up. So, fellas...tell your girl (or guy if that's how you get down) what you're feeling. It's ok. Really. And some, ahem, females, need to take that advice too. What's so wrong with opening up and being vulnerable??? Oh, You're afraid you'll be hurt... Well, that's understandable. I'm not advocating opening yourself up all willy nilly to very Tom, Dick and Sally that is available. I am however asking that you use your good judgement. If this person has shown him/her-self as a good person...take a risk. It will pay off...

That said let me tell you this...

Women (in general and myself included )care not about who you think we want/need you to be. We care about who you are...and believe that you will be a great person (and are a fantastic person now) when you get where you are going. All we ask is that you allow us to come along for the ride... Not trying to get in your way...just want a bird's eye view of the journey to where you want to be...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I'm sorry...

...that you feel that way. I am not sorry for what I'm about to say... Not for the weak hearted.

I am not perfect. That was tough as all get out to admit, but it's true. But because I'm not perfect it doesn't mean I have to accept whatever it is that you have to offer in the area of "interest". My philosophy is simple, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So, if you are slow to make a move, then you will also be slow to do other things...like take out the trash, take the car to get the oil changed and the like. It bothers me when people get married to guys (or ladies) and are all shocked at their behavior down the road. "I didn't know he was so possessive" or "I didn't know she wasn't going to clean the house". Well, remember when he got upset because you wanted to spend time with your girl who had just lost her momma but it was your anniversary??? or when you got into her car and it looked like a trash can had exploded in it??? See...signs. Signs are so very important. But usually you don't think to read them until they've already been passed.

I'm not that type of person. I have discarded a many of guy who got on my nerves...did something small, but stupid, forgot to call...whatever. Because while I don't expect him to be perfect-if you exhibit behavior that I consider undesirable, on any level, in a future mate, then you need to exit stage left. And, I'll admit that a lot of this has to do with the fact that most of my family has been or is unhappily married...and when they site reasons for their unhappiness, it's about a personality flaw that they should have recognized in their mate well before now. I mean, it's only so long any one can go and hide from anyone who they are. So, if he has the inability to follow through in mailing a graduate school application, I'm unsure that you'll remember to mail the water bill...and I'd hate to come home and discover the water has been turned off...

And I'd like to insert here that not everything is a deal breaker. You just have to be consistent. I'm consistent. So, I expect other people to be the same. If you aren't consistent then you can't be counted on...and I don't know if I can trust you, to pick up a half gallon of milk on the way over...or more importantly with my heart. All I ask is that you exhibit your best behavior up front. Don't lie...but don't act like it's cool to be despondent. Once you're in, you are in. But if you get as far as the front porch and don't act pleased to be there...don't even bothering stepping on the lawn, much less coming up the driveway. If however, I let you past the front door...you're golden.

That said, I have fully accepted the fact that I may end up alone. That's ok...because not everyone is meant to be all coupled up. You are however meant to be happy...and if I gotta ride solo to make that happen, then I have no problem trading in my sedan for a 2-door...because all I need room for is me and my ego...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Rockin' that...

Love that song... You might see me do a little more than two step if you happen to catch me out :)

So, what's new???

I wish guys would understand 2 very important things: momentum and what "pre-heat" means... Once you say you like a girl, the work is not over. Here's a new concept...keep.going. If you paid attention in physics class then you should know that momentum is a good thing as long as its a positive flow of energy. Once you lose it, figuratively speaking, its nearly impossible to get it back. So, while she may have liked you 2 weeks ago when you were speaking regularly, maybe not so much when you're been silent (for whatever reason). Out of sight, out of mind. If you want to be all I can see, make sure I don't forget you. If I do, I'm likely to remember alright...remember how great life was without you after all. And, if you pre-heat the oven before you put in the roast, it might actually finish cooking. No one wants a roast that isn't "well done" in the middle...if you get my drift...

I'm better at this than you aren't I???

I've been going back in time with my musical tastes. Downloaded some old school school Destiny's Child, you know, back when there were 4 members and Beyonce had cornrows, and some 112 and Jagged Edge. It's been nice listening to old songs and recalling memories that are forever intertwined with those lyrics. TP2.com, the 2 disc version... Or Ginuwine..."Same Old G"...All the old school Timbaland tracks. I loved that music. I'm seriously considering going to Best Buy buying a dozen CD's that were released circa 2002.

On to other news...

I just spent $60...yes, $60 purchasing a guy at date auction that I can technically see for free. Call me crazy. I did it for 2 reasons. 1) L wanted this particular guy to participate...and he was being non-compliant so I offered and 2) It was SO much fun because no one knew who I was...and so my anonymity added to my personal excitement. I just want to know one thing....how is it that you chicken out @ $61??? I mean, really. Money well spent...but I wish I'd have gotten a receipt for my taxes. And no...I won't actually be going on a date with the guy I purchased. That was for appearances only. I do however hope that he has a great time with whomever he winds up using that date coupon on :)

I just wanna let you know/That I gotta crush on you...

Bye...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Win, lose...or draw...

Technically a draw means you both lost. I mean, if you can't determine a winner...then what else is there???

For the record, I won.

Things have been...busy to say the least. I had an allergic reaction about a week ago. I'm not sure if it was the sage (that I know I'm allergic to, but ate anyway) in the turkey or the avocado (that I've eaten before and didn't almost die from...but in my life that doesn't mean much...) that caused my tongue to swell up and turned red like it had been burned. Fun? Not so much. I'm all better now...but that was tough going. K came for a visit this past weekend...and she was here a couple weeks before that as well. Lots of fun. My favorite part of the week-end was when she flashed her ring to the single guys in the bar. It was like kryptonite :) but in a good way.

It's always good having someone from your "past" come to visit. Especially when she brings a box full of pictures that document almost every embarrassing moment from your undergraduate career...from dancing on someone's coffee table in a tube tube top, jeans so tight I'm sure I shouldn't have been wearing them and a "to-go" cup lof liquor...to the tomboy stage that lasted for about 3 years in undergrad (which, if I told people now that I used to wear the ex's sweats and t-shirts almost exclusively unless the occasion demanded I look like I a girl, they wouldn't believe me...). I loved looking back on those moments (the orange hoodie...GSS pinning...I was that drunk???) and remembering that stories that went along with them. She had a few valid points about my personality... She thinks I should not always say what I'm thinking---more so I should find the happy medium between standing up for myself and being a b*^%h and that instead of taking care of everyone I should focus more on who is going to take care of me.

I'd like to point out that this has been a focus of mine for quite sometime...finding who will take of me. But it's most important to me that I do what I've been taught and to stay true to the core of who I am. Who I am is all about taking care of people, doing what I can do to see them be they best they can be...and as a result I feel the best about myself. There is a big part of me that is selfish...I grew up as an only child, so that only make sense that I'm not so big on sharing. But there's an even bigger part of me that's affectionate and giving because I've seen so many other people give for me. Maybe I should focus even more on finding that person who will give me just as much as I give to them...but I'm a huge believer that what you put out into the universe will come back to you...the good and the bad. And as much good as I've put out there, what's right around the corner is worth waiting for. And worth waiting for it to find me...

Peace...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

To Whom It May Concern...

Memorandum

To: The 2nd in Command of Heartbreak
From: The Best of Me

It's been brought to my attention via your actions of late that you no longer wish to be employed here. Should you need examples of the behavior that lead to this decision, allow me to offer you these: not showing up for work, not showing up for work on time, failure to complete assigned work and not being a team player. I want to let you know that it is with some measure of sadness that I have to inform you that the company has decided that it is no longer in its best interest to have you work here; so, we must let you go.

Your work here was not without merit. Some of your contributions will live on longer after your desk has been cleaned out and your security badge returned. The things that you taught the company about itself, such as it's ability to invest even after other investments have gone sour, to give partnerships we would have otherwise ignored because of prior convictions a chance and to always remember that hard work must be it's own reward. I must note that there are things about you that shall not be missed. I cannot allow you to leave without these points of constructive criticism: returning phone calls and messages is of the utmost importance to the mission of the company-which is first and foremost to provide outstanding customer service-and in failing to do so, you have "dropped the ball" in communication which cannot be tolerated, and giving just enough to get by is of no benefit to you or the company-thus if you cannot give a job your everything, then why give it anything at all? I am sad to say that had you invested more time in the company you would have seen that the company had much more to offer you than what you see on the surface. There any many benefits to be had here-a few of which you had the pleasure of sampling, however because of your untimely departure you will be unable to fully appreciate those benefits.

You have been with the company for over 3 years now and we want to let you know that some of our favorite memories of the work that was done here involve you and as such you will be missed. Because of recent budget cuts, we are unable to offer you a severance package. However, I do not think this will effect you at all--you always seemed like the type who would always land on his feet.

God's speed and goodbye.


Goodbyes always seem so final...but in this case it fits. Goodbye.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Confused...

So, in case you haven't noticed. I'm a little confused. More than a little...a lot.

There's a lot going on in my life right. And then, nothing at all at the very same time.

My ex got married. I didn't take that very well. It's not that I'm still in love with him...I'd lost that loving feeling a long time ago. It's just that when you replay the last 6 months of our correspondence, that last thing I expected him to say while I was standing in line at the pharmacy was "I'm engaged". I can't even believe that the whole thing is real...it seems like I'm dreaming. Like in any moment I'm going to wake up in a sweat, roll over and look at the clock to discover it's barely past 3 AM. I don't know what to think...or to say. I don't even know my place anymore. I've been friends and more than friends and then back more times that I can count with this person. It's like when you're 7 and your baby brother or sister starts playing with something you are way to old for...you don't really want them to have it, but you know it's really no good for you either. I'm lost. I want to talk and chit chat like the friends we were before he put a ring on this girl's finger...but I can't. Everything is different and as much as I had hoped that our friendship could weather anything...I was wrong...and you know, I've been wrong about a lot lately, so whats new??? I just never thought that the one friend I'd had since the beginning would be the one I'd lose...

I read somewhere that if a guy wants to be with you...get to you...he'll build a bridge to make that happen. Think the Golden Gate. Yeah, that big. I'm slowly realizing how true that is. So, here I am...all out on my island with not bridge. Boo. Not to mention that I'd given this person cables, and nails, high powered nail guns, cement...and a crane even. Still...no bridge. I had accepted my place on the list, because of how I felt. I'm no longer in that place. Not the list...I've definitely not moved up. I mean the place where I accept that. There are things I want from life...a condo in Atlanta, a car that costs more than most kids college tuition, world peace, to publish my book...be VP of PR for a company that makes it into Fortune Magazine for something really, really good. And taking crap from people who take advantage of how wonderful I am stops. now. I'm bored with waiting. And when I get bored, that's when I get into the most trouble.

And while I'm here...what is it about guys that makes them think that somehow this is all about them??? Newsflash...it's not about you. Just as you don't want to do this officially...that's the same way I don't want to be "just" friends. My bad for upsetting the natural order of things that had you all front and center and at the top of the list for getting things your way. This is not Burger King, ok??? I'm just so sick...and beyond tired of being sick. And so...all I can tell you is this...

Go put your head in a plastic bag...tie it...and breathe...deeply.

Later...

Monday, February 16, 2009

Get your roll on...

Your love is out of season/Be on your way...

That Dru Hill album...you know, the one they released before Sisqo dyed his hair platinum and starts dancing over the tops of thong wearing women in videos... It was the truth. I listened to it a lot over the weekend...and sang along and yes, even did the dance moves from the video. Don't judge me...

So, being the anti-cupid worked quite well. I spent the greater part of the day driving like a blessed fool to get to Boiling Springs to get something finished. That's at least an hour and some good change drive from Clemson. I made it well under an hour. 45 minutes to be exact. Juan Carlos is a GREAT car. The rest of the day I spent in my apartment, trying on shoes and possible ensembles for the week ahead and making my (famous...ask about it) shrimp pasta...with a slight variation of spinach instead of peppers and onions. Delish. I'd settled into bed to watch a movie...and then thought, hey, I've not been to a midnight movie in ages...let's make this happen. So, I did. I saw "Taken" which was a GREAT movie...though I need to warn you that you will come out of the movie way more patriotic than you may have ever thought possible. I may never travel internationally. Sunday was more of the same, another visit to Grandma's a little stimulus for the economy. It was a really good week-end all in all.

So, in case you didn't notice by my opening line... I've been really, really into old school music. I've downloaded stuff (all via iTunes, not so much because I'm anti-piracy, but because who doesn't love buying stuff for only $0.99???) that I haven't heard since my sophomore year. Things we used to listen to in Kim's car after she has taken 2 deep breaths to sober herself. Like, "Get your roll on". You know, back then the dances to songs were easy...now, you have to be all extra limber and coordinated. It's too much. And "Down Bottom"...and "Jigga My Nigga". Oh, you know you love those. You'd be killing it on the dance floor. Don't front... I downloaded Dru Hill...and some New Edition too. You know, I used to listen to exclusively R&B until I met the ex...and then he introduced me to Ghostaface Killah, OutKast and Killer Mike...and similar sounds. He created a monster. Which is unfair because he doesn't even listen to that stuff anymore...and I feel like a fiend he got hooked for funsies...boo. Now I'm addicted to hard beats, bass and treble...production first and then the quality of the lyrics. And R&B just doesn't soothe me like it used to. Now, when I'm in a ill mood, I listen to T.I. and Jeezy...not Marvin Gaye. I still appreciate the soulful music used to set the mood for my entire generation's procreation...I just don't listen to it in the car, that's all. Don't judge me...


And, I learned how to Rollerblade. YAY! I hadn't been on skates in about 10 years. I went to Dick's Sporting Goods and was not leaving the store without a bicycle or Rollerblades. I really, really wanted a bicycle...but it wouldn't fit in my car. I mean, it would've...but I was kind of afraid to scratch the leather... So, Rollerblades it was. They are pink (of course...what else???) and silver. And a helmet to match (well, almost) and all sorts of pads. I'm nothing if not clumsy. I looked like a child taking his/her first steps. Laugh. It was funny. I really, really sucked and I almost gave up. For real. I'm usually really good at everything I want to do the first time I try...and if not, definitely by the second. But this took some time. And I'm not perfect yet, but pretty soon I'll be taking on hills like a big girl :)

Later...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Don't drink the water...

Ok...it has to be said. Did Chris Brown really do it? I mean, really Chris... I'm not saying you did. But if you did, shame...

But didn't he always kinda have that "I might hit a girl" look about him???

So, moving on...

I've been baking a lot lately. A lot. And I'm not finished yet. I think I feel a pie in the horizon...apple maybe. Or a cake. Yes, a cake. Something with a swirl in it...raspberry or lemon. I'll think on it and let you know what I come up with.

I've been in a pretty "ehhh" mood lately. There's been a lot going on. Long story short is that my head is a bit of ticking time bomb... Save the jokes, this is serious folks. And I'm advised to stay far, far away from stress. Nothing like being told your body is betraying you to take you closer to stress than you really need to be...thanks, doc...thanks. You really...shouldn't have. But I'm managing. The rest of the bad-but-not-worse news will come later this week. And, in case you're wondering...I don't want to talk about...and thanks, but no thanks...there's nothing that you can do. And stop looking at me all pitiful like...

Staying away from stress if two-fold. One, it makes my head not hurt. Two, it makes my hair not fall out. And I'd like not be bald almost as much as I'd like my head to not hurt...so I'm trying to not stress. This is a lot easier said than done because in every free second 2 thoughts go through my head...and neither of this is of the non-stressful variety. I'm trying to find the motivation to work out, and as you can imagine, I have very little. I'm losing weight through no effort of my own, and my blood sugars are at an all time low... My bad if I don't feel like eating...my b.

I wish I could just let it all out... But I've become more reserved about my feelings in my old(er) age. And so, I'm just going to keep it, way deep down on the inside. In a box...next to the niceness :)

On a happier note, Grandma is doing awesome. I love her. She's my favorite. I spent 3 whole days in a row with her...laughing and taking it all in. Reliving moments of my childhood via pictures and stories. Trying not to think about what it will be like when/if I'm not there to fill that house with laughter or what my family will do without my sarcasm. Someone will have to keep them on their toes...and I'd like it to be me. As usual she sent me home with more food than a person knows what to do with and normally I'd share...especially since I'm not exactly hungry...but for some reason it just makes me feel better to open the fridge when I'm bored and see a little piece of home on the inside.

Later folks...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

25 Random Things...the remix

Which actually makes 50... Check my facebook...

1. I dance like a crazed person in my apartment with my headphones in and my iTouch on...yet you are unlikely to see me do more than 2-step in public.

2. I have 2 tattoos. I'm going for a 3rd as soon as I can settle on something to get. I would have at least 8 if I didn't have a regular job.

3. I have the most profound thoughts when I'm in the shower. Because of this I have invested in those little soap crayons they make for kids to write with in the tub...yeah, I own those.

4. When I was younger I had an imaginary friend named Webster. My grandma would have to brush his hair every.single.day. or I would whine.

5. 2 things are major turn off...chapped lips and dirty nails. Wait, 3. dirty shoes...there's just no excuse.

6. New socks and underwear are my simplest pleasures.

7. I'm like a guy when it comes to most emotions...unless I like you and then I'm a total girl.

8. I used to be a sweet person. Now, not so much. I'm still sweet...way down deep on the inside. I like to think of my nice-ness like a cupcake you didn't know was filled with creme...like, hey, this cupcake looks really good...and WHOA...there's creme...

9. I hate to cry. I also hate pumping gas and going to the bank.

10. When I'm upset only 3 people can calm me down...and in that moment, you are not one of them.

11. I own over 100 pairs of shoes. 16 pair rotate through all seasons. The other are seasonal or special occasion shoes.

12. I am allergic to pretty much everything.

13. I do not love my parents unconditionally. That love has all kind of conditions...don't judge me. If you met my parents...

14. I have been in the same quasi-relationship for longer than most people stay married...yet, most people don't know who, and if they had to guess, would guess completely wrong.

15. I am the sickliest person you will ever met...something is almost always wrong with me. You will never know this because I never talk about it.

16. I worry that I'll be single forever.

17. I have the quickest tempter ever. However, I suppress this anger quite well. If you've seen me mad, you believe in God...if not...you've never seen me mad.

18. I rarely, if ever leave the house without mascara.

19. I grew up on a farm.

20. When I was little I wanted to be just like my Aunt Monica...I thought she was the prettiest person I'd ever seen.

21. I was in a car accident when I was 16 that left me in the hospital for a week...as a result, I didn't get my license until I was 20.

22. It's the boyfriends (and quasi-boyfriends) in my life that have taught me some of the most important things...like how to drive, how to appreciate real music, how pretty I look first thing in the morning (it's true), how to love, which shoes look best, why not to wear flip flops, which frat is superior to all others...and how to just be myself...

23. I was the first person in my family to graduate from college.

24. I'd rather eat vegetables that any thing else...even sweets. Especially if cooked by Grandma.

25. I read my Bible and pray every night before bed...and most people don't know this about me :)

Hope you enjoyed :)

Post-it

important things to note...


* the more naked and the more drunk a girl is, the more guys seem to care about her. seems to me, maybe you should have cared before the drinks...and maybe even before you let her leave the house all naked and what not... I'm just saying...


* there has been a sudden increase in bitchassness. it can hit you when you lease expect it. color nor creed nor sex nor greek affilitaion does not make you immune. you must have your guard up at all times.


* homies over hoes...but what if your homie is the hoe...and she's a good girl???


* i go to bed @ 930. i may not be asleep...but I'm in the bed. phone on silent. you better be dead or dying or both before you call or text me...


* karma is another word for re-gifting of the bullshit you give to other people. its a real phenomenon but people are sleeping on it lately. you dish it. but it rarely...if ever...comes back to you the same way you sent it out.


* if you love you. be with you. leave everyone else out. we love us. and will thank you later.


* 25 days...and counting...


* my prayers take a lot less time without you in them...




Just like me...

I can't be mad...you're just like me...

Screw that...

It's been...interesting. I've been having a lot of that lately. Its going to get better though. It has too.

t-4 days.

I'm stressed. My hair is falling out kind of stressed. I can't sleep at night always tired my body is rebelling against me kind of stress. The last time this happened it was a boy...well, truth be told 2 boys, that were causing these kinds of issues. Neither of those boys turned out to be worth it...and the truth is this one isn't either. I mean, I'm too cute...and too vain to be bald. Besides, even if he was worth all this trouble, I'd likely have to leave him anyway...I'm to grown to bothered with what amounts to a boy not being able to locate his penis because his vagina is in the way. Yeah, I said it. 2 things can be learned from my current situation: when forced to choose, choose you...and when all else fails-shoes fix everything.

I'd like to point out...that this whole having his face splashed all over my facebook is not cool. at. all. And I'd like it to stop...yesterday. And my pride is all I have left in matters of the heart...and I refuse to lose that too...

K came for the weekend a couple weeks ago. Fun times. I enjoy having people in town from college. It grounds me. And forces me to get my ass in gear and do something with my life. I would be such a jealous Julie if she wasn't my friend...and you can't help but love her even more for her fabulosity because she's so unaware of how truly fabulous she is.

I had an evening, a couple weeks ago I guess...that ended in a not so good way. I left barefoot, coat-less in a very sexy dress. And, en-route home I cried off all my fantastic eye make-up. This past Thursday ended much the same way...only I was far more clothed. I'd like to point out here...after I've told the tale of all my recent tears...that I don't really like to cry. I loathe crying. I try not to cry even when every fiber in my being is screaming 'cry'...I force emotions down with the same kind of force that causes those emotions to come rising to the top. I. don't. do. tears. But lately I feel those little droplets caressing my cheeks before I even know I'm sad enough to cry...and I don't like it. Not one bit. I'm not going to stop doing it real big with the eye makeup. No sir. What I am going to do is be all sorts of sweet in public...and be like, 'Awww..Shoot. Seems my give a damn is broken. I should send it out to be repaired huh??? And I would, except...I don't give a damn...' I think that people often fail to realize exactly what a person means to them until that person is unavailable for comment.

Ok...I should do work now. Later...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Swagger...

This week-end. wow. All lower case letters because that's just how un-exciting everything was. The dress was a hit....but it not for the shoes (adorable hot pink BCBG peep toe stilletoes...with a cleverly designed heel and two little silver buckles at the toe) it would have been a total waste. There are a few things to mention...


*Guys protect drunk hoes...why???


*Clothes are out...half naked definitely in.


*Classy has gone the way of real music...and what few "real" ladies there are left in the world may not be enough to bring it back


*When your only options are make a scene or cry...you find that other option you had stowed away and you leave...


*I love my little brothers...to fault. I never knew there would be people who cared about me as much as I did...and then here they come. My own little heroes...sans capes of course :)


*I will continue to do it real big with the eyeshadow and the mascara.


What's the deal with dudes these days??? I'm so confused. And as a card carrying member of the female species I would like to put out that there I'm very in touch with my masculine side... Meaning, I can, and will and have been known to act just like a dude in matters of the heart...and if you think I won't...then just try.me. However, the events of the past couple of weeks have me all slack-jawed. I'm in...awe. You get used to people acting a certain way and then they go and do something different. I'm generally quick to adjust but I'm not up for this kind of flexibility. I'm getting old...I don't bend like I used to.


It's like the more out there you are, the more respect you get from a guy. And I'm pretty sure that's not how it should be. I have my own...a queen working for her throne...just like the song says. And I would hope that a guy would respect that and furthermore be proud of that...and of all my accomplishments. But not so much. I like to take care of myself. I'm proud of the fact that I don't have to ask for help. I don't need a guy. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to take the car in for maintenance (like this week I need an oil change...) or to help bring in the groceries from the car...or to take out the trash...and yes, even to pump the gas (something I just started to abhor doing).

You can't predictable unpredictable...break the unbreakable...take the untakable...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Polka dot...

Oh, no...not again...

That's a throwback line from the Animaniacs. See, Dot was making costumes for a performance the trio would be doing in a couple of days. She kept showing them polka dotted fabrics...to which they would say, "Polka dot???" and she would then say ok, and proceed to polka. Until the last time, when she was like...

Ok, ok. I admit. It sounded (much) funnier in my head the way I remembered it...

So, I feel the need to get away. I feel...trapped by Clemson. Odd. Normally I like being here...lately though I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest and it's hard to breathe. I had planned 2 quick trips...one to Charleston the weekend after next and then a even quicker trip to Florida...and after that a longer stint in the Atl. I've preemptively cancelled one of those...no need to guess which, huh? I think in my head I know it would be rude to be in some one's home state...in their city and not make an effort to say hello. At the same time I know no good can come of that hello...and even less good can come of the good-bye that must follow. Especially since it's a real good-bye, not the general see-you-later variety. So it's best if I stay out of the Sunshine State. At least for now.

I am uber-excited about seeing Atl again. It feels like it's been forever since I drove down 85 South into the city. I miss it. I'd move in a second if I could. Atlanta just feels like home when I'm there. I feel like there's nothing I couldn't do if that were my residence...like having a 404 or 770 number would afford me different opportunities than the 864 one I have now. Like living downtown would bring me a different life...being around other young people with the same kind of drive and determination I have would push me to do better...be better. Of course, I get the same kind of feeling from DC...only when I'm there I have to admit there's a little it of fear. I'd be a real, live city girl in DC. A small fish in a really big...highly populated pond. And that, makes me nervous. But I do like the idea of "metro-ing" everywhere and hailing a cab in the district to have coffee with friends from work. And buying a townhouse that costs more than my entire string of educations...even if you multiplied them by themselves...and loving every second of not needing a car. At the same time though, I'm 8 hours away from everything I've ever loved...and what if something happens...then what??? Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I'd put my big girl panties on and take a plane...and just deal. (Side note, I never realized what an offensive word 'panties' was until just...now). However, it's not like I have to make a decision now...

Let's see...what's new. I'm not motivated at all do do work for my strategic communications class. I am going to do the work...it's just hard to make myself do the reading...and the writing. Boo. I'm also realizing that the I need more to do. As a result I'm going to resume the knitting I'd postponed because there were more important things to do...and I'm buying more Wii games. I figure if I have to sit in front of my tv I should have a Wii remote in my hand to prevent the unnecessary snacking that just seems to go with tv watching in my apartment.

That is all. For now..For today at the very least. I've errands to run and laundry to do...an apartment to clean. Being an adult feels had these days...boo to adulthood. I just wanna play...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

One for the money...

I'm at work. yay. It is nice to have a job to go to...because the current state of things could have it another way. It's raining outside. Very dreary. I feel like I should be in bed...or at the very least on my sofa, taking in the best that afternoon television has to offer...and by that I mean shows in syndication that I've already seen at least 3 or 4 times. It's hard to be motivated to do something other than this when all you see outside are raindrops that mock you like tears from heaven. It's sad...

I'll be working out today. I'm actually craving something that allows me to move. The treadclimber at Gold's is a-mazing! I've lost 3 pounds so far and while I would love to have one in my home, I'm at least 7 g's away from bringing that gym quality machine through my front door. The "settle" will be a treadmill...but I'm not sure which one. I think it would be a lot easier to get in the extra cardio if I could do it in front of my tv at home instead of dragging myself out into the elements that create SC winters. I think I'll venture out and try some out at Sears and see what I come up with.

Did you watch the Bachelor last night??? I'm actually watching the very end of it now since I decided sleep was a much better option than watching that poor guy hand out the roses. (side note, I also watched The City and Daddy's Girls at work before the last bit of this...and I must say I almost shed a tear at the end of Daddy's Girl's. Such a sweet show...) I am frightened for Jason...really scared. Especially when I watch the previews for the rest of the season and I see Deanna comes back!!! WOW! Just when I thought I'd make a clean break away from reality tv...I've been sucked back in. And by a show devoted to finding love no less. Good luck Jason, good luck...

So, on the agenda for today. Work. Ehh. Lunch at some point and then later a snack and the gym for as long as I can stand it. Home to a big juicy salad (don't be a hater, you know you want one too...) and then comfy and on the couch for the premiere for Season 5, part 2 of Nip/Tuck. Don't call me after 9:30 because at that point, I no longer know you.

Later babes...

"i think my being single has a lot to do with fear on the guys part. what he doesn't realize however is that right before the relationship begins there is all kinds of fear. fear of forever and all that. but it's the good kind. not so much the good kind of fear when you wake up next to a poor man's Banana and go..."crap...i'm stuck. what have i done???" that my friend is the bad kind of fear. so if I were him, I'd take my chances with the good fear...after all forever is a long time to wear the wrong ring..."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Like Def Jam and Hova...

So, I'm in the car. The new whip...aka Juan Carlos (this car is a EX V6 Accord...very aggressive yet smooth, like a Spanish guy) and I think I'd like to take a break from the Luda and David Banner and T.I. I've been listening to on constant repeat since I've had the car. I skip to the John Legend. Hot beats...nice lyrics. And then it hits me...this album is the music anthology to that relationship. Damn it all... but you know, like Bobby and Whitney, except without the kiddies...


We ova...


32 days. What's a girl to do??? I'm thinking retail therapy and lots of running... Any and all other suggestions are welcome.

So, the new year is here. yay. I cannot find much to be happy about. Obama takes office in 15 days (YAY) and I'm all about Bush packing his [things] and exiting the White House as quickly as possible. I think he should hold a press conference and announce that he is leaving earlier than planned. It seems that he has mentally checked out (as if he were ever mentally checked in to begin with...) so to speak as this Israel-Gaza thing gets worse. I'm all about keeping tradition, but I think we need Obama sooner rather than later...and by sooner I mean 2 weeks ago. Bush...how many boxes will you be needing??? I think I can take leave for a few days to help expedite this process...

This 2009 thing came a bit sooner than I had expected. In October it seemed a so far away...and now its...here. I wasn't prepared. I'm not making resolutions. It's hard to make those when you are already so perfectly behaved. The evil formerly known as my tooth is gone, which means if I had made resolutions one of them would be to lose the 5...maybe 6 pounds I'd gained since I had regained the ability to chew. Other than that however, I've nothing in my life that I want to change...and if I did, New Years isn't the time to start them. All the vices I have I'll need to get through the next aforementioned 32 days. Something tells me I picked the wrong time to give up drinking... I'm kidding about that (ok...ok...maybe only a little...).

Let's see...its been awhile, so here's the quick list of what's been going on...

*I hit a deer. A doe. A female deer. She killed Bubbles. Consequently I bought the new whip, which I am in love with. Dark gray, 18 inch alloys...leather...heated seats and a sunroof. As Jim Jones would say..."Ballin'"

*I had an infected tooth. It was evil. Now its gone. They did let me keep it...which grosses most people out, but for the record I did toss it 2 days later. It wasn't as much of a novelty as I had thought.

*I had an allergic reaction. I thought I would die. I am quite thankful for Zo, since he rescued me from both the allergic reaction and the deer fiasco. It was Thai food. But, I've eaten it again (several times over...) since then and I didn't die.

*I bought 14 pairs of shoes. Yes, 14. Including Sperry galoshes and BCBG red peep toe pumps. You can't buy class...but a classy lady can buy shoes ;)

*I went to the gun range on J's birthday. Awesome time. I shot a .22 handgun, .22 rifle and .23 rifle which almost took my face off. I loved every second of it though and can't wait to do it all over again.

*R is getting married. He called while I was in line at the pharmacy. I contemplated the following...drinking myself into a stupor, crying myself to sleep (not because I love him still but because even if I don't want him I'm no so sure all of my heart was ready for him to want someone else), driving to Florida...I've no idea what I've done once I got there. What I actualy did was to shed a few tears and then built a bridge and got over it. Even if my heart could open up for him again my brain would live in fear that the next would be the day that he'd change his mind. Best wishes...

*I'm getting A's in my grad classes. Your girl is brilliant...as if you needed any more proof...

*Gram is doing awesome.

And now... I'm watching the Bachelor and drinking my 8th glass of water for the day. I'll likely have some animal crackers sometime between now and the rose ceremony...you know, just in case you're wondering.

I'll be back tomorrow, because...you know, I realized in my hiatus that I need this just as much as I need to breathe. It's good to have a place to vent.

I'm the last of a dying breed...