Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Take off...

I know your parents used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted. Right now, I want you to be gone...

I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm mean. I'm not mean spirited or coldhearted. It's more like I'm really not nice. There are 2 kinds of people: people I like and everyone else. Once I like you, you're in. But if I don't like you, or if I like you and then stop liking you... Well, you know how they say the grass is greener on the other side? No only is it not greener on the side of "everyone else", but there's no grass at all. Just a bunch of lames. fronts. skeezers and scandalous stunts.

I don't enjoy being mean. I just feel driven to it by the behaviors of those around me. I mean, don't I look like I don't play??? I practically have "GO AWAY" in big bold letters on the doormat of my personality. Seriously. If I want to talk to you I will let you know. We can even develop a signal...a code if you will. If (not when) I want to talk to you I will start talking to you first. Unless I initiate conversation then the signal has not been given and we should not be engaging in conversation.

I'm making a list. Not my list to Santa (which, I'm far too grown to be writing but, if I did at the very top of my list would be a request for a better boy than the one he left me last year...and should he feel the need to re-gift this same boy to me this year, could be please make sure the modifications stick this time...and that the refurbished model is as functional as a new one would be...) but a more in depth list. Have you seen Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married"??? The movie---not the play. I'm sure the play is similar to the movie but for the sake of what I'm about to say it's the movie version that is most relevant. There's a part in there where the wife of the chick married to the doctor makes a list of all the good her man has ever done and all the bad he has ever done. If the bad outweighs the good then she should let him go...but if the good outweighs the bad then she go back to him and make it work. That's the list I'm making...

I will let you know how it comes out...

...you did me dirty but I ain't mad at all. bottom line, I hope you find what you searching for...

Friday, December 18, 2009

I'm back...again

I've been gone for a minute, but I'm back now. I've tried a couple different ways to bring you up to speed, but everything keeps getting lost in translation.

a few things-detailing the details of the past 8 months.

1) Grandma had a stroke. Shocking as it was in the moment it was less severe than it seems in those seconds that pass slow like hours. She is all better now...sassy as ever.

2) I had a mole removed. 4 actually. 1 was more problematic than I had anticipated. 36 stitches, 4 days in bed and 4 months later I'm not out of the woods yet. 2 more moles. 1 surgery. I will let you know how it goes.

3) I still hate my job. Yes, both of them. I acquired a 3rd. Teaching. Now that, I love.

4) He's still around. I thought there would be an exit stage left after May, but not so much. This summer and the months since have been harder on me than I'm willing to admit to anyone (except my therapist) or anything (except this blog). I hate that I love him. And because it's an unrequited love if there ever were one, I'm going to end up hating him before the curtain closes.

5) When God closes a door, he opens a window. My window is more like an awesome set of french doors that have me doubled over in laughter daily. I never thought I'd meet another person as awesome as me...and then I did.

6) Despite the aforementioned, I don't talk to God very often anymore. I am sad about this but not so sad that I'm doing anything about it. I'm working on accepting that the very love that should never hurt causes more pain than I know what to do with.

7) As far as I know my ex is still married. I haven't talked to him in over 4 months and I must say, I don't miss him...but I thought I would. I hoped that the change in action would be backed by changes in the person behind the action. Not so much...

7 a) Step away from the facebook message box. and the Blackberry Messenger. I do not want to talk to you. Maybe ever. But definitely not now.

8) My hair is still short. Despite all requests for it not to be it-it will remain that way...at least for the foreseeable future

9) I have not acquired any new tattoos. I want one, 2 actually but haven't been able to find exactly what I want and I'm not in love with the freestyle work I've seen lately. So, I will keep looking.

10) Best friends are those that stick with you in the middle of the storm and are willing to share their umbrella. You have some people who will be with you in the rain, but aren't willing to get a little wet to see you stay a little dry...

like a boy...

It's like this

I like a boy. I liked this boy. And then one day I discovered I might even love this boy.
But the last boy broke a soft heart and made it hard for this boy.
So I act hard so he won't think I'm soft.

Those other boys, those past boys took me to school and taught me well.
The lessons were hard...some hurt and some cut me and some made me bleed.
But those boys, those past boys taught me to dust off, get up...get back in the game.

Turns out, they didn't teach me anything I really needed to know.
Everything I need to know, it's true-I learned in kindergarten.
Except how to share. I overshare. So it's less like sharing and more like giving...my whole heart away.

My girls taught me how to be slick. be cute. be sly. taught me how to lie...like a boy.
They make sure I always keep a spare. Another boy, in case the boy I like decides he doesn't like me.

I think like a boy. I like this boy. Liked this boy. Loved this boy. Until he acted just like a boy...
Forgot that girls have hearts too.

Like most boys, this boy and his boys run round like boys, chasing skirts.
Tossing change to girls who have mastered thinking like boys.
That's a boy hustle with girl swag.

So, there's this other boy. I don't like this boy...but he likes me.
It passes the time.
This boy, like most boys, doesn't care about that boy. And then, I don't either.

I liked this boy. Could have been a wife to this boy.
But like a boy I didn't see far enough ahead.
You see, I think like a boy...but I hurt just. like. a girl...