Monday, October 20, 2008

Love lockdown...

I can't love you and me too...


I mean...that's not the truth. I can, I just choose not to---any longer. Just like I'm not too proud to beg, I just choose not to. Not for forgiveness, attention, time, affection...none of that. You have got to be kidding me...


This heart is officially closed for business. Hence the title of this text. I'm saving myself from myself and putting on the cape to save the world from what will happen if it manages to get broken again. I'm not unlovable I'm sure. Just hard to love maybe, but that doesn't mean that I deserve, in any way, what I've been through. And, I'm tired. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is for the best if only for now. Maybe there will be an "open" sign in the storefront again someday... Just won't be tomorrow...and I wouldn't count on the day after that either.


Something about spending the greater part of your real adult life "connected" to someone... You know instantly when they've, unplugged, so to speak. It wasn't as if I just noticed. I knew the minute it happened. I just couldn't pinpoint what it was that caused...that. And the thought of talking about it here could bring tears to my eyes and down my cheeks before I'd even realized they'd started. It felt like I'd been pushed off someplace real high without anything to catch me. It was hard to breathe...and I was scared. I cried for along time that day. But, what's done is done, right? You can't bring someone back to a place where they don't even remember ever having been to. It's been over...many, many times. But I guess now, I now for sure. It's been real, and it's been fun. And at times it was real fun...

So, I'm planning to stimulate the economy. Every little bit helps, right??? So far, on my list of things to buy, I have a new television, new fall boots, a fiberbed and a Wii. I'm also toying with the idea of buying a new digital camera and some accessories for the apartment. I like shopping...but I must admit that it does not have the same appeal that it had when I could do it in the A. I want to travel down for a few days next week and hit the old hotspots...Sage, Market and Perimeter Mall. It's all about that time for a tattoo touch up...but that drive to Athens feels like it takes forever. Even though it's not as long as the one to the heart of Atlanta. Also, there's a fear that I'll be convinced to get another while I'm there. And I'm fresh out of places where the new addition could hide. And I'm not down with visible tats...not for girls...with regular jobs and whatnot.

I'm eating diet food again...ugh. This is about as much fun as...well...no fun at all. So far I'm down 4 pounds. Yay!!! Which means that I'm forcing myself to achieve a weight that I'm sure my body won't like. See, here's the problem...about 3 weeks ago I noticed a "shift" in the weight in my body. that's right, its moved. To new places. Places it was not allowed to go. Mostly the old new weight decided to reside in my hips and thighs...and now it won't go away. So, back to the diet food...and running...and walking..and squats and lunges...this is not fun by the way, but necessary. I've consulted with all my 30-something friends and apparently this is what happens the close you get to 30. Boooooooo....

I'm out, for now. Take care...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Boys, bring your capes...

'Cause the girls are bringing the kryptonite...

Hey...I'm talking to you...and you...

Somethings got to give... Either we can't be friends or she has got to go. And since I already have my things packed-my guess is it'll likely be me. Even though I was there first...I'll gladly give up my seat to the someone you would rather have keep it warm. I want to see you happy even if it's not with me. That is not however, my first choice.

So, I see you can't keep your hands out of the cookie jar. Well, I didn't take you as the sweet tooth type. In fact, I was sure bananas were your thing. Since this is not the first time I've been wrong, I'll concede victory on that point ans this one too... I thought you were a decent individual. Damn, it is so rare that I'm wrong twice in a row. LOL...good news for me in the game I'm playing all deuces are wild...

I need to purchase some sympathy cards. You know, for these [females] that are dying to be me. I think it's absolutely ok for you to partake in my [leftovers] if you so choose. However, I must let you know that there was a reason that the [persons] in question became my castoffs in the first place. And-might I add-it just makes you look bad. But, to be honest-it wasn't as if you needed much help in that department in the first place...

Boys are stupid. Guys too. And men even. Though I'm not sure I know of any members of the male sex who fit into that last category. I'm sure there are at least a few of them...and if I ever meet one, I'll let you know. In the past few months there have been a slew of songs celebrating what society has branded the "independent woman". This woman is a person who has her own life...a job which affords her to buy whatever she likes...and has fun with her friends...pays her own bills...and sometimes buys her man dinner and items with with to entertain and dress himself. Funny, where I come from that was just called a "woman". No need for the "independent" part. Much less the gang of songwriters who want to sing her praises. After all, it was the girl in the back of the video emptying a bottle of Dom over her head and shaking it like a salt shaker to pay her rent that created a need from women who didn't do that type of thing to solidify her place in the world. And we did that by buying our own cars...and houses...and paying out own light bills. The funny thing about that this is that it wasn't cool for a while. Guys needed to be needed and didn't like the "independent-I-don't-need-a-man" types. But, with the economic downturn that is bleeding America dry, it seems the guys appreciate a woman who does things for herself. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact they are broke?? Or maybe they realized that if they didn't start celebrating us that we would continue to remain unmarried...and if we did decide to get married...it would likely be to a man whose race did not match our own...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Don't hate the player...hate "the game"...remix...

***This is the remix... I didn't mean to post this until I made some additions and a few much needed edits. Enjoy...***

And by "The Game" I mean the show. And I don't hate it. I just don't like it very much right now.

So, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I knew that I missed my ex. It's only logical that I would miss him. I've known him as long as I've known myself. And by that I mean 9 years. When he graduated and moved away it hurt just like it used to back then...when we lived apart and after a visit he would go back home. Except then I knew it would be just a few weeks before he'd be back-and those tears were just what I did ( I did a lot of crying back in the day)...and now it's not like that. I cried when he left. Harder and longer that I have in a while. And since that time has passed I realized I loved a boy that wouldn't ever love me back...and I don't know how to stop loving him...and even that didn't make me cry as much as the day he went away. The pickle is that I didn't know exactly how much I missed him until just now. Almost right this very second. And it's a lot. And it hurts. A pretty good bit.

I passed up a chance to see him this week-end. It was the right thing to do. It was the adult thing to do. It was the hard thing to do. I couldn't see him knowing that he would likely say things he shouldn't and then go back to someone who isn't me. The someone else part is the part I'm most ok with. The saying things he shouldn't is the hard part. Because as much as I don't want to hear them...and don't want to believe them---part of me needs to know those things he thinks and only has the courage to say when he sees me. Of course I know those things are not the kind of things I need to hear. Those things will send be back to a place that I visit enough on my own without a free trip there courtesy of a getting things off my chest moment from him. I know there will always be things we shouldn't say...but that has never meant you couldn't think them.

I moved on. And then back. And then on. And then back. And now on. It's hard to spend the night with someone who doesn't understand the concept of a cuddle. I haven't had a good cuddle in over a year. And I'm adorable. I deserve a good cuddle. I miss the cuddles and I miss the kisses. I miss the dates and dinners. But mostly I miss the company. I miss those moments when you're in the same room not saying anything but feeling like it was a great time spent together. It's difficult to think of the person you once loved more than yourself with those arms wrapped around a person who didn't help them grow...doesn't understand where the strength comes from that helped him hold you. To think of him looking at her when he wakes up and telling her she's beautiful. And you very well might be...but she's no me. I try not to think about those things-but its hard. I tell myself (not as often as before but still more often than I would like) that I can't go back there. With him or anyone else...to the place or time when I love another person more than I love me. But I could go to a place where we both love just as we should. Though I don't think the ex is allowed in that place with me either. We...he and I...likely won't ever be. Which is sad since we are completely different people than we were when we were...together. Things didn't work between those two...but maybe it could work now. Except I can't take the chance that it won't...and what's worse I can't take the chance that it would.

Which is why I can't see him. I can't say he won't say... And I don't know that I'll have the strength to say... And then what can I say...when I'm crying so hard I can't say... Or when I'm smiling so big words aren't necessary... I don't know. For now it's best to stay apart. Until I know for sure that one option isn't an option anymore...

The show comes in.........here. Melaine and Derwin were together and the apart and now together. Some of the same roller coaster type things that he and I went through. And now I see them Mel and Derwin) and it makes me think that maybe he and I could make it... Then reality bites...and I remember that I'm not the one who left me...and I strengthen my resolve to stay strong and not love him. Even in those moments when every fiber of my being is saying that I should...and still do...and always will. I'm not so sure that I believe those fibers though...but then again I've no reason not to either.

And now I've got that Ne-Yo and Rihanna song stuck in my head...

I do hate the game...I do...I really, really do...