Sunday, February 27, 2011

Dead End...

For those of you on the high road, I've reached the end. Let me tell you what's there: a big sign, with flashing lights, dancing leprechauns with Dave Chapelle voices...the sign says "Dead End" and the the leprechauns are singing "gotcha trick". So, yeah...take your detour *now*.

But, for those of you interested in that type of thing----I hope you enjoyed the show...as one sided as it was...

I've written and re-written and re-written the re-write of this post about 5 times. Each time it seemed to be missing something or was bitter or was more show and tell than I'd like to be on the *internet*...so, here I am again, trying to work these words into something worthy of my blog without taking it to a place where it shouldn't go.

In the end, what I'm left with is this... There are 2 sides to every coin, 2 sides to every story but only 1 version of the truth. Now, each person's truth is different---due to his or her perception, but I'm not talking about that----I'm talking about the true story that each person knows lives inside them...that isn't jaded by feelings or trying to save face. When faced with a difficult situation, especially a public one, it can be very easy to get caught up in the moment and start telling your side of the story...showing your side of the coin...as not to be outdone but the other side. But I'm telling you---no good comes from that. Sometimes the best move, while the hardest to make, is no move at all...and sometimes, the best thing to say, is nothing at all. Sometimes you have to live with knowing what you know...even if no one else will ever know what you know...

But, don't push people. You never know what will push them beyond their limits...or what will cause them to push back...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Words I Never Said...

Fuck you. Oh wait, I said that. But I didn't mean it then. But I totally mean it now...

My Granddad passed away about 5 years ago. It was one of the deepest hurts I've felt as an adult. Not because we were close---but because we weren't speaking when he passed. He was moody...liked to shut people out. He'd been in a mood one day when I called and didn't answer and as was my nature then---I never called back. I should have called back. But I didn't.

This is relevant. Promise.

One of the things that he said to me---and I remember this moment clearly---is that he hoped that as I grew older I would learn that I didn't have to say everything I knew or everything I felt. He wanted me to understand that it was enough to know or feel...and sharing wasn't always necessary. I laughed then...and now sometimes, but for entirely different reasons. Then, it seemed comical to imagine my biting my tongue *just because*. Now, it's served me well but for all the wrong reasons.

I've not said everything I think. Tough to believe, I know. If you know me, or have ever seen me in rare form, when I care less about someone's feelings than I do about recycling (and I really do not give a hot damn about recycling...sue me), you probably don't believe that I have ever held back. I've hurt feelings. On purpose. Without cause or reason. Because I could. "Are we friends?" they asked, "No," I replied..."not even on Facebook". Like really, that happened. I'm not mean. I'm just not very nice.

In love and in certain friendships I have learned to be more reserved. To be honest, it's failed me more than not. I've ended up more hurt and pushed away than if I had just said what I thought, feelings be damned... But, when you put anothers feelings before your own, the consequence of that behavior is usually unpleasant. Mostly I've held back because I was afraid of losing...losing the relationship, the friend, or both.

Right now, I've more points in the "L" column then the "W" column. Go figure.

I'm learning it's all about balance...and sometimes I'm going to lose anyway. But just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost...

I can't take back the words I never said...like: Fuck you. I faked it. No, really---fuck.you. I really don't care. I don't want to go. Take your ass to the couch. Why the hell do you care what milk I buy? Why are you lying---literally through your teeth...I mean, you tweeted about this... Go play in traffic. You aren't really that smart. I think less of you. You are a bitchass---what happened to the "no bitchassness movement"? It's not the jeans that make you look fat. I think your significant other is crazy. You are crazy. You need meds and a therapist. I have better shoes. You've fucked up...royally. You're gay, which is fine---I mean we know, but clearly you don't. Size matters...wait, I said that. What will happen when he/she discovers you aren't who you said you are, I mean...who will you be then...you? Your thighs look like they have been beaten with a bag of nickels...wait, I said that too... I love you...straight, no chaser...but you have to leave...because right now, I don't like who I am for loving you...

You know, it felt good to get that out...

Deuces...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Ex Files...

*Disclaimer: The messages included in this post are for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to resemble any real person-past, present or future in any likeness.*

Basically, this should make you laugh. It's not about you, or someone like you...

Really.

My Valentine's Day, at least for the past 4 years has gone a little something like this: wake up. work. flowers. text and/or phone call from at least 1 of my exes, but usually 2 of them. dinner. sex. sleep.

Those texts and or phone calls always go something like, "hey girl...how are you?...good, good. Gotta wish you a happy Valentine's day...yeah, I know...yeah, the new girlfriend is fine...taking her to dinner later...uh huh, so how is [insert name here] treating you?...ha ha...yeah, I mean, no harm in checking up on you, right?...you take care and hope you have a good day..." And for the past 4 of the 5 years, the [insert name here] has been the *exact.same.name*.

I mean, if you know me, you know that's nothing really special. I'm the serial monogamous. I'm always dating someone.seeing someone.about to see someone.thinking about seeing someone. Yes, I'm that girl. My dad said that I should never travel without a spare. I assumed he meant a spare boy. Sue me.

Anyway, you should also know that these 2 exes that call me on holidays are also the 2 exes to which I go for advice about my experiences with the opposite sex. When you want advice about men you ask a man...not your girls. If I had known this when I started dating I'd be married by now. But I didn't and I'm not. But pass that information along to all your friends...

So, this year when they call and I say, "yeah, about that...", they already know what's coming. What followed was a brief synopsis of the past 6 months, during which, what I spent 5 years involved in was reduced to "just friends and she doesn't understand...". One of these guys, to his credit said, "Well, at least you know now..." but the other, arguably my favorite of the 2, had this to say, "Can I call this dude..." I said no. But he had a good bit to say, most of which made me laugh and a little that made me cry (it's hormones, ok) but most of which I have brilliantly summarized for your reading entertainment...

Aye, from a used to be ain't shit dude to a currently ain't shit dude I have 2 things to say: 1, you ain't shit, which I know has already been covered, and 2, you've fucked up. There's good news though: you don't know or accept 1 or 2 yet, so keep living like you are and everything will be fine. One day though, you're going to find yourself, much like me---with a girl who is funny, smart, and attractive and has a big ass (which, admittedly, Banana does not have) but she will lack the one thing I haven't been able to find in any woman since her---the kind of heart that accepts you for the person you are and the person you don't even know you can be. Now, I'm not pressed for Banana by any means, clearly you aren't either. But she and I remain friends because while we recognize we are wrong for each other, there's a friendship there that was established before the relationship---and maintaining that is important to us. I care about her, both as a friend and as an ex, and because I knew better than to dog her out---a bit of knowledge I wish you'd have had---I want nothing but the best for her, and you sir, are not it.

Banana has her faults, I know. She can get on your nerves in a way that makes you mad and irritated in way you've never felt before. She can be insecure. She is too nice and has way too many pairs of shoes. Talk to her about all of that though, and you find all of that comes from the same place as all the good in her. Man, what I hope you know, is that she really loved you. Genuinely. She was thoughtful and cared about you in a way I hope a woman will be for me one day. She can cook her ass off...and one day, will make the best wife and mother ever---and, if there is a God, who is as merciful as they say, it won't be for you. No hard feelings man, she's forgiven you and wishes you well. Me, though---man, I hope we never meet...

Now, in all seriousness...

One of the reasons why I keep in touch with this guy and another like him is because when I was going through a particularly tough time with the ex with whom I am not speaking and I wanted to know what I had done wrong while dating them---they were honest. They told me how I nagged and was too much with the phone calls...and how I tried to control everything. They also told me that they loved how they could make mistakes and not feel persecuted for it---that I could forgive and try to forget. They also told me to dial back the niceness, something I haven't been able to do, but I'm a work in process. The ex with whom I am not speaking, he didn't have anything to say, save the cliche' "nothing, it was mostly my fault"...and everyone knows its never one person's fault. He didn't help me grow as a person, too afraid to hurt my feelings I guess---but since I can't trust him to be honest, we no longer speak and I'm ok with that.

In everything that I've ever been through with love, or something like it, I have tried to learn from my mistakes. In some cases I am able to take something new away and grow---in others, like with the niceness, I am not as successful. Hey, I'm human. Looking back on the past 12 years of my life...most of which I spent entangled in situations that ended badly and could have jaded my view on every relationship I could have in the future---I see a lot of good decisions and a lot of bad ones. But at every moment, I had a choice. So now, like then I have a choice---a choice to try again or wallow in something that wasn't good for me in the first place. And while my past is indicative of my un-perfectness and subsequently I've made some bad choices...I know I've made the right choice this time. Every heartbreak is a chance to make a better choice than the one you made before...