Wednesday, October 19, 2011

...no...just no...

Not exactly commandments---but an extended public service announcement...

Let me tell you what you're not going to do...

No, just no---do not text me when I've called you or call me when I've sent you a text message. Why would you do that? You know what happens when you do that---nothing. As in I don't answer nor do I reply. Crickets...

No, just no---do not "holla" at me with recycled rap lines. I listen to more music than you. I heard that line before it got radio play. Be original. Better yet---don't be. Give me a reason to publicly embarrass you. Please.

No, just no---do not mispronounce my name. I say it that way for a reason. Shana like Banana. If you don't understand the simple rules of rhyming you will not last with me.

No, just no---do not try and "holla" at my girl and then try me (or the opposite) when she does not accept your advances. This same sentiment goes if you don't even know we are friends...though the fact that we've been in the same social circle for years might have been a hint. Do some research. Better yet, don't. I love rolling my eyes at you when you try and act like I didn't see you all in my homegirl's ear. Love.

No, just no---do not lie. I have verbal picture perfect memory. This means I can recall every.single.word you've ever said to me. I'm hell in argument. Just tell truth...save yourself the trouble and me the time...

No, just no---do not follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook if you're just going to call me or text me every time I say/do/post/tweet something you do not approve of. Who are you? Nobody...

No, just no---do not expect boyfriend privileges when you have maintenance man security clearance. You know what that means. In this arrangement you are the worker. This is a job. You clock in. You clock out. You take your lunch breaks away from work---or you bring your meal with you. NO meals provided here. None---not even a Little Debbie. You don't sleep at work do you? No. Clock in. Work. Break. Work. Clock out. That's your security clearance. No, no you may not fix a sandwich. Or have the remote to change the channel. Or sleep over. Or bring your laundry. What do I look like? Yes, I enjoy being domestic for my boyfriend. You are not him. Check your badge sir...oh, what does it say...maintenance, right? Exactly.

...just don't ok....just don't...

Monday, September 12, 2011

30...

I'm turning 30. T-4 days. woo.hoo. yay. I'm not excited.

It's not so much the age that bothers me...but leaving behind my 20's and all that being a 20-something meant. When you're childless as a 20-something it's an accomplishment (congratulations, you've mastered birth control)...and being single means you didn't settle for the ring that came with a not so great guy but instead have so many possibilities, hundreds of dates to go on and a career that is full of promise. People are proud of you for the little things, like saving, cooking and cleaning---patting you on the back and telling you how great of a wife and mom you'll make one day because you're good at domestic things.

And then you turn 30---and suddenly a dark cloud is looming. The grim reaper is lurking after 35 to eat your now useless eggs for breakfast. You've failed at life because you have not produced an heir...or managed to get married because you were "too picky" or "too focused on your career". You are no longer complimented for saving---you're 30, responsibility is a requirement. You can cook and clean all you want to---but people just wonder what, but most importantly who, you are doing all of that for. You learn that your birth control mastery may have rendered you barren...or at best reproductively challenged. Life no longer seems full of possibilities...but rather bleak and empty. Unless you count the weddings in which you will be named maid of honor---because you have no real life and therefore have time for things like picking up Spanx for the bride.

At some point, I hope to look upon being a 30-something with the same hope as I did being a 20-something---but I have no idea when that will be, or if that day will come. 30 is not the new 20, it's the old 30. Honest.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

What a girl wants...

I responded to a tweet regarding Black women's standards in relationships and the effect these standards were having on their ability to find lasting relationships. Personally, I don't think it's the *actual* standards that are causing the problem---but more so the *perception* that these standards are unreasonable. I said just that in response to the tweet, but in less than 140 characters (including spaces).

Before I "go in" on how I really feel about this, I feel I should let you know what my expectations are in a partner...and while I can't control your feelings, please note before you comment that this is *my* list...and I'm perfectly (more than) *ok* with being single forever. So, here goes...

1) He must have a relationship with God. I will also accept more spiritual rather than religious but he must believe in a higher power...and he cannot be Jewish, Catholic, Seven Day Adventist or Muslim. Not that there is anything wrong with people who practice these religions, but based on my own personal beliefs--we can't create a whole family unit.

2) He must be black...or have at least 1 black parent. I am personally uncomfortable with dating outside of my race. I don't think my family would care nor do I think my friends would either...and I have friends that have and do date outside of their race and seem happy, but it's just not for me.

3) A legal source of income---It doesn't have to be one that makes him a lot of money but it needs to be work that he is proud of and passionate about, and if not, he should have a plan to get the job he is proud of and passionate about.

4) An education or a reason why not---This one throws people for a loop. I realize that college is not for everybody, so if you didn't go to college, there needs to be reason why---military, sports, whatever.

5) Close to his family

6) A plan for the future...like a real, live plan.

7) An ability to make me laugh every day...not LOL every day, but I need at least a giggle. Humor is important.

8) A good heart

9) Clean shoes (and hands and nails)---those are his feet and hands...if he can't take care of them, he probably won't take care of me either. *shrug*

10) A desire for kids---at least 2.

11) He must be reasonably good looking---which for me includes, at least 5'8", a nice smile, dressed appropriately for the occassion and some sort of evidence that he has seen a gym in the past 90 days.

Now, according to this article, the standards of Black women are causing them to miss out on good relationships with good, black men. Based on the evidence this article provided there are some men who because of the economy are working at job simply to make money (that is the job they have isn't a job they would have picked otherwise) or are unemployed---and when they tell women what they do (or don't do) the women are no longer interested in them. Other comments to the original tweet included, "women only care about money or the car or the house he has" and "this guy had bad credit and his girl left him" and "money isn't everything".

I have always said that every "good" man isn't "good" for everybody. I have met many black men who were "good" on paper---but weren't right for me. For example, I don't care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive---but if I don't desire you physically, it's not going to work. On the flip side, if you live with your mom and have 5 kids and can't pay your child support and have to hold your cousin's car to run to the store but you could be a super model, I don't want you either. Not because you don't have it all---but you don't have it all together. I can't be with someone who's life is not organized...and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Would I date a guy who didn't have a job? Yes---but having done it, I'm not going to date you without a job for an extended period of time. Would I date a guy who didn't have a lot of money? Yes...money isn't everything and for the most part, everything I want/need out of life I can get or already have on my own. Would I marry a guy without a job? No...because I believe that you need to be stable to get married. My idea of stable means we both have incomes. Would I date a guy who had a service job (like the UPS guy)? Yes. Would I date a guy who had kids already? Yes...and would consider marrying him *if* he takes care of them properly (and my idea of properly means you pay your child support on time and have a relationship with your children). I don't think my expectations are too high...at all. I don't have anything on my list (except for height) that I can't offer to my partner. But, when I meet men---they hear that I am college educated, have at least two jobs at a time (sometimes 3), that I'm back in school for my third degree, drive a nice car (that's in my own name) and live by myself (in a nice apartment) they *assume* that I'm not going to be interested in the fact that they have a roommate and work at FedEx and have 2 kids and have never been to college because they went into the military. They pretty much dismiss *me* based on my story before giving me a chance to accept them based on theirs.

Now, are there some women who only care about money and status? Of course. Likewise, there are some men who care only about looks and/or sex. How many guys do you know (be honest) that have stepped out on their average looking girlfriend who cooked, cleaned, worked hard and held them down for a girl who bad a big ass? Or a nice rack? Or (said she) gave great head? But probably has a couple of outside kids and can't cook and her house looks like a tornado hit it. Guys have unrealistic expectations for women most of them time---and keep that same mentality until they are ready to settle down. Only then does the size of girl's backside become less important than her ability to raise your kids. I also believe the same is true for most women. When all you want to do is date---maybe a man's bank account is what's important. But when you're ready to get married you learn that money doesn't matter as much as his work ethic and love for *you*. Are there women who say they are ready to settle down and get married that care more about what you make and drive than your heart? Of course. Just like there are men who promise you the world until you sleep with him...and he bounces.

At the end of the day, it's not about expectations...it's about finding someone who is on the same page as you and ready for and wants the same things as you. If you, as a man or woman, is ready to find a person to be married to, don't believe the hype. People are more than willing to tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. So, if you're the manager at Moe's and she leaves you, drink in hand at the club because you don't make six figures, she wasn't the girl for you...at least not today. And if you're the girl with the less than ample behind who guys pass over, don't worry---those skills in the kitchen will pay off. But, if you're a girl waiting on a rich man to take care of you...or a guy who wants a girl to blow him because the sun came up, please stay inside so those of us who mean well can find each other without you in the way.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Dead End...

For those of you on the high road, I've reached the end. Let me tell you what's there: a big sign, with flashing lights, dancing leprechauns with Dave Chapelle voices...the sign says "Dead End" and the the leprechauns are singing "gotcha trick". So, yeah...take your detour *now*.

But, for those of you interested in that type of thing----I hope you enjoyed the show...as one sided as it was...

I've written and re-written and re-written the re-write of this post about 5 times. Each time it seemed to be missing something or was bitter or was more show and tell than I'd like to be on the *internet*...so, here I am again, trying to work these words into something worthy of my blog without taking it to a place where it shouldn't go.

In the end, what I'm left with is this... There are 2 sides to every coin, 2 sides to every story but only 1 version of the truth. Now, each person's truth is different---due to his or her perception, but I'm not talking about that----I'm talking about the true story that each person knows lives inside them...that isn't jaded by feelings or trying to save face. When faced with a difficult situation, especially a public one, it can be very easy to get caught up in the moment and start telling your side of the story...showing your side of the coin...as not to be outdone but the other side. But I'm telling you---no good comes from that. Sometimes the best move, while the hardest to make, is no move at all...and sometimes, the best thing to say, is nothing at all. Sometimes you have to live with knowing what you know...even if no one else will ever know what you know...

But, don't push people. You never know what will push them beyond their limits...or what will cause them to push back...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Words I Never Said...

Fuck you. Oh wait, I said that. But I didn't mean it then. But I totally mean it now...

My Granddad passed away about 5 years ago. It was one of the deepest hurts I've felt as an adult. Not because we were close---but because we weren't speaking when he passed. He was moody...liked to shut people out. He'd been in a mood one day when I called and didn't answer and as was my nature then---I never called back. I should have called back. But I didn't.

This is relevant. Promise.

One of the things that he said to me---and I remember this moment clearly---is that he hoped that as I grew older I would learn that I didn't have to say everything I knew or everything I felt. He wanted me to understand that it was enough to know or feel...and sharing wasn't always necessary. I laughed then...and now sometimes, but for entirely different reasons. Then, it seemed comical to imagine my biting my tongue *just because*. Now, it's served me well but for all the wrong reasons.

I've not said everything I think. Tough to believe, I know. If you know me, or have ever seen me in rare form, when I care less about someone's feelings than I do about recycling (and I really do not give a hot damn about recycling...sue me), you probably don't believe that I have ever held back. I've hurt feelings. On purpose. Without cause or reason. Because I could. "Are we friends?" they asked, "No," I replied..."not even on Facebook". Like really, that happened. I'm not mean. I'm just not very nice.

In love and in certain friendships I have learned to be more reserved. To be honest, it's failed me more than not. I've ended up more hurt and pushed away than if I had just said what I thought, feelings be damned... But, when you put anothers feelings before your own, the consequence of that behavior is usually unpleasant. Mostly I've held back because I was afraid of losing...losing the relationship, the friend, or both.

Right now, I've more points in the "L" column then the "W" column. Go figure.

I'm learning it's all about balance...and sometimes I'm going to lose anyway. But just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost...

I can't take back the words I never said...like: Fuck you. I faked it. No, really---fuck.you. I really don't care. I don't want to go. Take your ass to the couch. Why the hell do you care what milk I buy? Why are you lying---literally through your teeth...I mean, you tweeted about this... Go play in traffic. You aren't really that smart. I think less of you. You are a bitchass---what happened to the "no bitchassness movement"? It's not the jeans that make you look fat. I think your significant other is crazy. You are crazy. You need meds and a therapist. I have better shoes. You've fucked up...royally. You're gay, which is fine---I mean we know, but clearly you don't. Size matters...wait, I said that. What will happen when he/she discovers you aren't who you said you are, I mean...who will you be then...you? Your thighs look like they have been beaten with a bag of nickels...wait, I said that too... I love you...straight, no chaser...but you have to leave...because right now, I don't like who I am for loving you...

You know, it felt good to get that out...

Deuces...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Ex Files...

*Disclaimer: The messages included in this post are for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to resemble any real person-past, present or future in any likeness.*

Basically, this should make you laugh. It's not about you, or someone like you...

Really.

My Valentine's Day, at least for the past 4 years has gone a little something like this: wake up. work. flowers. text and/or phone call from at least 1 of my exes, but usually 2 of them. dinner. sex. sleep.

Those texts and or phone calls always go something like, "hey girl...how are you?...good, good. Gotta wish you a happy Valentine's day...yeah, I know...yeah, the new girlfriend is fine...taking her to dinner later...uh huh, so how is [insert name here] treating you?...ha ha...yeah, I mean, no harm in checking up on you, right?...you take care and hope you have a good day..." And for the past 4 of the 5 years, the [insert name here] has been the *exact.same.name*.

I mean, if you know me, you know that's nothing really special. I'm the serial monogamous. I'm always dating someone.seeing someone.about to see someone.thinking about seeing someone. Yes, I'm that girl. My dad said that I should never travel without a spare. I assumed he meant a spare boy. Sue me.

Anyway, you should also know that these 2 exes that call me on holidays are also the 2 exes to which I go for advice about my experiences with the opposite sex. When you want advice about men you ask a man...not your girls. If I had known this when I started dating I'd be married by now. But I didn't and I'm not. But pass that information along to all your friends...

So, this year when they call and I say, "yeah, about that...", they already know what's coming. What followed was a brief synopsis of the past 6 months, during which, what I spent 5 years involved in was reduced to "just friends and she doesn't understand...". One of these guys, to his credit said, "Well, at least you know now..." but the other, arguably my favorite of the 2, had this to say, "Can I call this dude..." I said no. But he had a good bit to say, most of which made me laugh and a little that made me cry (it's hormones, ok) but most of which I have brilliantly summarized for your reading entertainment...

Aye, from a used to be ain't shit dude to a currently ain't shit dude I have 2 things to say: 1, you ain't shit, which I know has already been covered, and 2, you've fucked up. There's good news though: you don't know or accept 1 or 2 yet, so keep living like you are and everything will be fine. One day though, you're going to find yourself, much like me---with a girl who is funny, smart, and attractive and has a big ass (which, admittedly, Banana does not have) but she will lack the one thing I haven't been able to find in any woman since her---the kind of heart that accepts you for the person you are and the person you don't even know you can be. Now, I'm not pressed for Banana by any means, clearly you aren't either. But she and I remain friends because while we recognize we are wrong for each other, there's a friendship there that was established before the relationship---and maintaining that is important to us. I care about her, both as a friend and as an ex, and because I knew better than to dog her out---a bit of knowledge I wish you'd have had---I want nothing but the best for her, and you sir, are not it.

Banana has her faults, I know. She can get on your nerves in a way that makes you mad and irritated in way you've never felt before. She can be insecure. She is too nice and has way too many pairs of shoes. Talk to her about all of that though, and you find all of that comes from the same place as all the good in her. Man, what I hope you know, is that she really loved you. Genuinely. She was thoughtful and cared about you in a way I hope a woman will be for me one day. She can cook her ass off...and one day, will make the best wife and mother ever---and, if there is a God, who is as merciful as they say, it won't be for you. No hard feelings man, she's forgiven you and wishes you well. Me, though---man, I hope we never meet...

Now, in all seriousness...

One of the reasons why I keep in touch with this guy and another like him is because when I was going through a particularly tough time with the ex with whom I am not speaking and I wanted to know what I had done wrong while dating them---they were honest. They told me how I nagged and was too much with the phone calls...and how I tried to control everything. They also told me that they loved how they could make mistakes and not feel persecuted for it---that I could forgive and try to forget. They also told me to dial back the niceness, something I haven't been able to do, but I'm a work in process. The ex with whom I am not speaking, he didn't have anything to say, save the cliche' "nothing, it was mostly my fault"...and everyone knows its never one person's fault. He didn't help me grow as a person, too afraid to hurt my feelings I guess---but since I can't trust him to be honest, we no longer speak and I'm ok with that.

In everything that I've ever been through with love, or something like it, I have tried to learn from my mistakes. In some cases I am able to take something new away and grow---in others, like with the niceness, I am not as successful. Hey, I'm human. Looking back on the past 12 years of my life...most of which I spent entangled in situations that ended badly and could have jaded my view on every relationship I could have in the future---I see a lot of good decisions and a lot of bad ones. But at every moment, I had a choice. So now, like then I have a choice---a choice to try again or wallow in something that wasn't good for me in the first place. And while my past is indicative of my un-perfectness and subsequently I've made some bad choices...I know I've made the right choice this time. Every heartbreak is a chance to make a better choice than the one you made before...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Game. Set. Match.

Flag thrown. Strike 1, 2, and 3. Error. Illegal substitution. Too many players on the field. No harm, no foul---oh, there's harm. You're catching a technical for this and being thrown out of the game...

The game has been changed...new play book and everything. It's like I've been cut from the team and didn't find out until I showed up for practice.

I guess that's what this was, huh...practice... Well, I've heard it said that practice makes perfect but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than practice to make perfect out of *you*.

It's safe to say that I've been scorned. hurt. abandoned. heart broken. used. misjudged. Really, you could take a thesaurus and look up each of those words and the synonyms would be appropriate descriptions of my current state. I think it takes a lot to get me to this point...and what a journey it was.

There's a lot about where I am that is upsetting. There were a lot of investments made, in both time and money and emotion. The thing about investments, is that you don't always get the expected return...its a risk you take putting any part of anything into something...a risk that you may not get that part back. But, its not that I was left empty handed. No. My hands are full...with regret. I hate that I spent to much of myself on a person who treated me and acted like I was common...but more so that I allowed it to happen. I am the only person who can keep my heart safe and I have fallen down on the job more times than I care to count...and each time, it gets harder to accept my burden of responsibility for being in this place... I'm more likely to forgive the offender than myself.

I can't call the end of this...or even right now. I don't know what I know...all I know is what I don't know...

I mean, you think you know someone...but when you realize you don't the person you learn the most about is yourself...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Illfitting...

Writing is cathartic. If you don't know what that means 1 of 2 things has occurred, 1) you have stumbled upon this page after Googling "wit" searching for its meaning or 2) you're really, really dumb. In either case, I will help you out because I am having a particularly good moment---it means "cleansing".

I have a lot to come clean about.

I have been up to a lot. None of it is worth mentioning. Alas, that is the life of the 20-something. The good news (or bad news) is that I leave the 20-somethings this year and become a 30-something. If I hear one more person say "30 is the new 20" I am going to scream. It reminds me of other cliche' phrases...like, "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". What-the-fuck-ever. I realize that those phrases are born partly out of truth and partly out of necessity...but the other part (because there are 3 sides to everything) is pure, unadulterated bullshit. Yes, I said it. I am guilty is using a similar phrase a time or two...but I really hate doing so. I think people get pleasure in saying "30 is the new 20"...mostly because it reminds them that they are not the only ones getting older...and for a moment they hope they can suck you into believing that your 30's will be far better than your 20's---and all the things you'd hoped for in your youth will be made possible suddenly by turning 30.

Bull.shit.

I mean, I do hope turning 30 is good for me. I hope lots of really good things come about for me and the people I love...and even the people I don't love so much...and maybe even the people who love me and I don't love them back. But, for now, I think it's ok for me to loathe the thought of being 30...let me wallow.

I should go...maybe short bursts will leave me more material for writing. But, in closing...here's this...

"for those who ever wondered if they would see the sun up, just remember when you come up, the show goes on..."