Friday, February 10, 2012

Don't love me...

I've been fishing. It was not a fruitful endeavor so I cut bait.. Didn't even bother reeling the line back in and salvaging the hook. No. grabbed my scissors, cut my losses---even lost my lure. I couldn't imagine the slow, time killing process of reeling back discover my hook lure practically laughing at me. It all had to go. Hell, I'm tempted to throw the rod in too.

By fishing, I mean dating... And by cutting bait, I mean cutting off a guy. I can't with them sometimes... I have no problem making the initial problem with the risk involved in investing my time, maybe even some emotion and not getting anything in return.

That's the thing about investments---you don't always get a return and sometimes, you lose.

What I'm not ok with---and here is *why* I've been cutting bait (so much more than I ever have before)---is a pond full of biting fish that lure you in, with no intention of taking your bait or ending up in your bucket headed for home.

Allow me to explain...

If you're not ready for a relationship---a real, live relationship---and all that encompasses---stop...STOP asking girls for their number. STOP acting interested. No, really. A woman (or a man) will not make you ready for commitment. You either are ready---or you aren't. Simple. The problem is that most men (I'm going to generalize here but I don't date the ladies...) aren't ready...not even close---but they want someone to pass the time with them, you know...practice---until they are ready. That's not ok. I'm not practice material. Most good, stable, wonderfully beautiful women are not practice material. But you keep soliciting our time with your good intentions and the promise of "some day soon". No sir. Not ok.

The road of regret is paved with good intentions. I'm not walking down that road any longer good, sir. You're on your own.

I've been that girl---not really ready for a committed relationship with a great guy who was. I broke that guy's heart---twice. The aftermath wasn't pretty. I thought that by being with someone who was ready to be with me I could secure a perfect mate and ready myself for him at the same time. It didn't work that way. Instead, I ended up frustrated and "smothered" and he was hurt and "tired of trying". It ended badly...twice. In the end I discovered that it really wasn't him---but me who needed to do some inside work. And by inside, I mean figuring out my deal breakers---what I was willing to give or not give and what I wanted from someone. I hate that I hurt someone who cared about me...but more importantly I hate that I didn't get a chance to earn some good love karma by not hurting him in the first place.

If you aren't ready to put someone else before yourself (for whatever reason)---you're not ready.
If you're not available---or ready to make time to be available---for conversation, quiet walks, dinners and movies (or whatever else a person needs from you to feel valued and for you to learn more about them)---you're not ready.
If you don't know who you are as a person, or what's important to you in life---you're not ready.
If you are unable to make a person feel wanted---no, desired---you aren't ready.
If you don't grasp that love matters more to someone with their heart open than anything else (that's real...)---you're not ready.
And no amount of time and companionship offered from practice material (or someone you decided to practice on) is going to make you ready. All you're doing is keeping someone who is ready from meeting another person who is also ready. Let that person go...or better yet, don't get them in the first place.

Better to be by yourself of your own choosing then to be cut off. Besides, you can earn some good love karma by being selective that way. And after all the practice you've may need it.

..."I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been... Here I go again on my own..."---Audra Mae

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Time Out...

We need to regroup.

So, I've been dating. When last we spoke about my relationship (or lack thereof...) I was nursing a broken heart. I'm over it. And him. Granted, times have caused a change in directionality from over to under... I mean, it happens.

If you are not witty enough to catch that, you're going to be very confused by my writing.

To be honest, since there was a lack of commitment there, I'd done my fair share of dating before. But nothing could ever *go* anywhere. It's hard to be all in for someone new when only 33% of you is really available. Dating when my whole heart is up for grabs has been, well, different.

I'm not the "in my feelings" type. I mean, I have feelings. But I'm grown---I can't roll around in them all day or on command to help someone else feel better about where they stand in my life. Warning: Guys *do not* know how to take this. They all say they want a no nonsense non needy woman, but when you respond to "I miss you" with, "That's nice, I'm at you need something?" they can't cope. My lack of desire to be within my feelings coupled with a penchant for signaling the end of relationship (full blown or blossoming) with two fingers, a la Nixon, leaves men thrown. (Basically, I throw the deuces and I'm out). Eh, I mean, I'm 30. I don't have all kinds of time to be wasted.

When it's over, it's over. Move on. Lose my number. Seriously.

So, in the midst of my dating, I've reached breaking points with suitors, or gentleman callers. The breaking point comes when there is clear reason for a DTR (define the relationship) but at least one of the two involved is unwilling to negotiate. I will admit, I'm partly to blame. I have had a couple conversations that were probably attempts to "wife me" but I wouldn't sign the papers. I just wasn't...ready. Or I wasn't ready for them. Likewise I've liked a guy enough to not want to see anyone else---but he wanted to keep his options open... That's almost the worst feeling ever.

That aside, recently I've begun to struggle because while I'm certain I've thrown in the towel too early, I'm also certain I've thrown the towel in too late. Twitter (and the #Twitterpoll) was *no* help. Sorry guys, sad...but true. I thought about it...and come to this conclusion: finding love had no expiration date. People however, do. I can't say I have figured out the magic formula for when enough is enough---but rather, I'm going to continue to learn as I go.

Just remember, you can only hold the starting position if you're constantly aware of the bench...

"[you're] not the only one trying to the be the only one"---Drake or maybe J.Cole... I don't know, some light skinned dude who is only in style cause he's famous. Good quote though...