We need to regroup.
So, I've been dating. When last we spoke about my relationship (or lack thereof...) I was nursing a broken heart. I'm over it. And him. Granted, times have caused a change in directionality from over to under... I mean, it happens.
If you are not witty enough to catch that, you're going to be very confused by my writing.
To be honest, since there was a lack of commitment there, I'd done my fair share of dating before. But nothing could ever *go* anywhere. It's hard to be all in for someone new when only 33% of you is really available. Dating when my whole heart is up for grabs has been, well, different.
I'm not the "in my feelings" type. I mean, I have feelings. But I'm grown---I can't roll around in them all day or on command to help someone else feel better about where they stand in my life. Warning: Guys *do not* know how to take this. They all say they want a no nonsense non needy woman, but when you respond to "I miss you" with, "That's nice, I'm at work...do you need something?" they can't cope. My lack of desire to be within my feelings coupled with a penchant for signaling the end of relationship (full blown or blossoming) with two fingers, a la Nixon, leaves men thrown. (Basically, I throw the deuces and I'm out). Eh, I mean, I'm 30. I don't have all kinds of time to be wasted.
When it's over, it's over. Move on. Lose my number. Seriously.
So, in the midst of my dating, I've reached breaking points with suitors, or gentleman callers. The breaking point comes when there is clear reason for a DTR (define the relationship) but at least one of the two involved is unwilling to negotiate. I will admit, I'm partly to blame. I have had a couple conversations that were probably attempts to "wife me" but I wouldn't sign the papers. I just wasn't...ready. Or I wasn't ready for them. Likewise I've liked a guy enough to not want to see anyone else---but he wanted to keep his options open... That's almost the worst feeling ever.
That aside, recently I've begun to struggle because while I'm certain I've thrown in the towel too early, I'm also certain I've thrown the towel in too late. Twitter (and the #Twitterpoll) was *no* help. Sorry guys, sad...but true. I thought about it...and come to this conclusion: finding love had no expiration date. People however, do. I can't say I have figured out the magic formula for when enough is enough---but rather, I'm going to continue to learn as I go.
Just remember, you can only hold the starting position if you're constantly aware of the bench...
"[you're] not the only one trying to the be the only one"---Drake or maybe J.Cole... I don't know, some light skinned dude who is only in style cause he's famous. Good quote though...