Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Game. Set. Match.

Flag thrown. Strike 1, 2, and 3. Error. Illegal substitution. Too many players on the field. No harm, no foul---oh, there's harm. You're catching a technical for this and being thrown out of the game...

The game has been changed...new play book and everything. It's like I've been cut from the team and didn't find out until I showed up for practice.

I guess that's what this was, huh...practice... Well, I've heard it said that practice makes perfect but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than practice to make perfect out of *you*.

It's safe to say that I've been scorned. hurt. abandoned. heart broken. used. misjudged. Really, you could take a thesaurus and look up each of those words and the synonyms would be appropriate descriptions of my current state. I think it takes a lot to get me to this point...and what a journey it was.

There's a lot about where I am that is upsetting. There were a lot of investments made, in both time and money and emotion. The thing about investments, is that you don't always get the expected return...its a risk you take putting any part of anything into something...a risk that you may not get that part back. But, its not that I was left empty handed. No. My hands are full...with regret. I hate that I spent to much of myself on a person who treated me and acted like I was common...but more so that I allowed it to happen. I am the only person who can keep my heart safe and I have fallen down on the job more times than I care to count...and each time, it gets harder to accept my burden of responsibility for being in this place... I'm more likely to forgive the offender than myself.

I can't call the end of this...or even right now. I don't know what I know...all I know is what I don't know...

I mean, you think you know someone...but when you realize you don't the person you learn the most about is yourself...

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Writing is cathartic. If you don't know what that means 1 of 2 things has occurred, 1) you have stumbled upon this page after Googling "wit" searching for its meaning or 2) you're really, really dumb. In either case, I will help you out because I am having a particularly good moment---it means "cleansing".

I have a lot to come clean about.

I have been up to a lot. None of it is worth mentioning. Alas, that is the life of the 20-something. The good news (or bad news) is that I leave the 20-somethings this year and become a 30-something. If I hear one more person say "30 is the new 20" I am going to scream. It reminds me of other cliche' phrases...like, "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". What-the-fuck-ever. I realize that those phrases are born partly out of truth and partly out of necessity...but the other part (because there are 3 sides to everything) is pure, unadulterated bullshit. Yes, I said it. I am guilty is using a similar phrase a time or two...but I really hate doing so. I think people get pleasure in saying "30 is the new 20"...mostly because it reminds them that they are not the only ones getting older...and for a moment they hope they can suck you into believing that your 30's will be far better than your 20's---and all the things you'd hoped for in your youth will be made possible suddenly by turning 30.


I mean, I do hope turning 30 is good for me. I hope lots of really good things come about for me and the people I love...and even the people I don't love so much...and maybe even the people who love me and I don't love them back. But, for now, I think it's ok for me to loathe the thought of being 30...let me wallow.

I should go...maybe short bursts will leave me more material for writing. But, in closing...here's this...

"for those who ever wondered if they would see the sun up, just remember when you come up, the show goes on..."