Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Game. Set. Match.

Flag thrown. Strike 1, 2, and 3. Error. Illegal substitution. Too many players on the field. No harm, no foul---oh, there's harm. You're catching a technical for this and being thrown out of the game...

The game has been changed...new play book and everything. It's like I've been cut from the team and didn't find out until I showed up for practice.

I guess that's what this was, huh...practice... Well, I've heard it said that practice makes perfect but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than practice to make perfect out of *you*.

It's safe to say that I've been scorned. hurt. abandoned. heart broken. used. misjudged. Really, you could take a thesaurus and look up each of those words and the synonyms would be appropriate descriptions of my current state. I think it takes a lot to get me to this point...and what a journey it was.

There's a lot about where I am that is upsetting. There were a lot of investments made, in both time and money and emotion. The thing about investments, is that you don't always get the expected return...its a risk you take putting any part of anything into something...a risk that you may not get that part back. But, its not that I was left empty handed. No. My hands are full...with regret. I hate that I spent to much of myself on a person who treated me and acted like I was common...but more so that I allowed it to happen. I am the only person who can keep my heart safe and I have fallen down on the job more times than I care to count...and each time, it gets harder to accept my burden of responsibility for being in this place... I'm more likely to forgive the offender than myself.

I can't call the end of this...or even right now. I don't know what I know...all I know is what I don't know...

I mean, you think you know someone...but when you realize you don't the person you learn the most about is yourself...

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