Friday, February 10, 2012

Don't love me...

I've been fishing. It was not a fruitful endeavor so I cut bait.. Didn't even bother reeling the line back in and salvaging the hook. No. grabbed my scissors, cut my losses---even lost my lure. I couldn't imagine the slow, time killing process of reeling back discover my hook lure practically laughing at me. It all had to go. Hell, I'm tempted to throw the rod in too.

By fishing, I mean dating... And by cutting bait, I mean cutting off a guy. I can't with them sometimes... I have no problem making the initial problem with the risk involved in investing my time, maybe even some emotion and not getting anything in return.

That's the thing about investments---you don't always get a return and sometimes, you lose.

What I'm not ok with---and here is *why* I've been cutting bait (so much more than I ever have before)---is a pond full of biting fish that lure you in, with no intention of taking your bait or ending up in your bucket headed for home.

Allow me to explain...

If you're not ready for a relationship---a real, live relationship---and all that encompasses---stop...STOP asking girls for their number. STOP acting interested. No, really. A woman (or a man) will not make you ready for commitment. You either are ready---or you aren't. Simple. The problem is that most men (I'm going to generalize here but I don't date the ladies...) aren't ready...not even close---but they want someone to pass the time with them, you know...practice---until they are ready. That's not ok. I'm not practice material. Most good, stable, wonderfully beautiful women are not practice material. But you keep soliciting our time with your good intentions and the promise of "some day soon". No sir. Not ok.

The road of regret is paved with good intentions. I'm not walking down that road any longer good, sir. You're on your own.

I've been that girl---not really ready for a committed relationship with a great guy who was. I broke that guy's heart---twice. The aftermath wasn't pretty. I thought that by being with someone who was ready to be with me I could secure a perfect mate and ready myself for him at the same time. It didn't work that way. Instead, I ended up frustrated and "smothered" and he was hurt and "tired of trying". It ended badly...twice. In the end I discovered that it really wasn't him---but me who needed to do some inside work. And by inside, I mean figuring out my deal breakers---what I was willing to give or not give and what I wanted from someone. I hate that I hurt someone who cared about me...but more importantly I hate that I didn't get a chance to earn some good love karma by not hurting him in the first place.

If you aren't ready to put someone else before yourself (for whatever reason)---you're not ready.
If you're not available---or ready to make time to be available---for conversation, quiet walks, dinners and movies (or whatever else a person needs from you to feel valued and for you to learn more about them)---you're not ready.
If you don't know who you are as a person, or what's important to you in life---you're not ready.
If you are unable to make a person feel wanted---no, desired---you aren't ready.
If you don't grasp that love matters more to someone with their heart open than anything else (that's real...)---you're not ready.
And no amount of time and companionship offered from practice material (or someone you decided to practice on) is going to make you ready. All you're doing is keeping someone who is ready from meeting another person who is also ready. Let that person go...or better yet, don't get them in the first place.

Better to be by yourself of your own choosing then to be cut off. Besides, you can earn some good love karma by being selective that way. And after all the practice you've may need it.

..."I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been... Here I go again on my own..."---Audra Mae

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Time Out...

We need to regroup.

So, I've been dating. When last we spoke about my relationship (or lack thereof...) I was nursing a broken heart. I'm over it. And him. Granted, times have caused a change in directionality from over to under... I mean, it happens.

If you are not witty enough to catch that, you're going to be very confused by my writing.

To be honest, since there was a lack of commitment there, I'd done my fair share of dating before. But nothing could ever *go* anywhere. It's hard to be all in for someone new when only 33% of you is really available. Dating when my whole heart is up for grabs has been, well, different.

I'm not the "in my feelings" type. I mean, I have feelings. But I'm grown---I can't roll around in them all day or on command to help someone else feel better about where they stand in my life. Warning: Guys *do not* know how to take this. They all say they want a no nonsense non needy woman, but when you respond to "I miss you" with, "That's nice, I'm at you need something?" they can't cope. My lack of desire to be within my feelings coupled with a penchant for signaling the end of relationship (full blown or blossoming) with two fingers, a la Nixon, leaves men thrown. (Basically, I throw the deuces and I'm out). Eh, I mean, I'm 30. I don't have all kinds of time to be wasted.

When it's over, it's over. Move on. Lose my number. Seriously.

So, in the midst of my dating, I've reached breaking points with suitors, or gentleman callers. The breaking point comes when there is clear reason for a DTR (define the relationship) but at least one of the two involved is unwilling to negotiate. I will admit, I'm partly to blame. I have had a couple conversations that were probably attempts to "wife me" but I wouldn't sign the papers. I just wasn't...ready. Or I wasn't ready for them. Likewise I've liked a guy enough to not want to see anyone else---but he wanted to keep his options open... That's almost the worst feeling ever.

That aside, recently I've begun to struggle because while I'm certain I've thrown in the towel too early, I'm also certain I've thrown the towel in too late. Twitter (and the #Twitterpoll) was *no* help. Sorry guys, sad...but true. I thought about it...and come to this conclusion: finding love had no expiration date. People however, do. I can't say I have figured out the magic formula for when enough is enough---but rather, I'm going to continue to learn as I go.

Just remember, you can only hold the starting position if you're constantly aware of the bench...

"[you're] not the only one trying to the be the only one"---Drake or maybe J.Cole... I don't know, some light skinned dude who is only in style cause he's famous. Good quote though...

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 no...

Not exactly commandments---but an extended public service announcement...

Let me tell you what you're not going to do...

No, just no---do not text me when I've called you or call me when I've sent you a text message. Why would you do that? You know what happens when you do that---nothing. As in I don't answer nor do I reply. Crickets...

No, just no---do not "holla" at me with recycled rap lines. I listen to more music than you. I heard that line before it got radio play. Be original. Better yet---don't be. Give me a reason to publicly embarrass you. Please.

No, just no---do not mispronounce my name. I say it that way for a reason. Shana like Banana. If you don't understand the simple rules of rhyming you will not last with me.

No, just no---do not try and "holla" at my girl and then try me (or the opposite) when she does not accept your advances. This same sentiment goes if you don't even know we are friends...though the fact that we've been in the same social circle for years might have been a hint. Do some research. Better yet, don't. I love rolling my eyes at you when you try and act like I didn't see you all in my homegirl's ear. Love.

No, just no---do not lie. I have verbal picture perfect memory. This means I can recall every.single.word you've ever said to me. I'm hell in argument. Just tell yourself the trouble and me the time...

No, just no---do not follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook if you're just going to call me or text me every time I say/do/post/tweet something you do not approve of. Who are you? Nobody...

No, just no---do not expect boyfriend privileges when you have maintenance man security clearance. You know what that means. In this arrangement you are the worker. This is a job. You clock in. You clock out. You take your lunch breaks away from work---or you bring your meal with you. NO meals provided here. None---not even a Little Debbie. You don't sleep at work do you? No. Clock in. Work. Break. Work. Clock out. That's your security clearance. No, no you may not fix a sandwich. Or have the remote to change the channel. Or sleep over. Or bring your laundry. What do I look like? Yes, I enjoy being domestic for my boyfriend. You are not him. Check your badge sir...oh, what does it say...maintenance, right? Exactly.

...just don't ok....just don't...

Monday, September 12, 2011


I'm turning 30. T-4 days. woo.hoo. yay. I'm not excited.

It's not so much the age that bothers me...but leaving behind my 20's and all that being a 20-something meant. When you're childless as a 20-something it's an accomplishment (congratulations, you've mastered birth control)...and being single means you didn't settle for the ring that came with a not so great guy but instead have so many possibilities, hundreds of dates to go on and a career that is full of promise. People are proud of you for the little things, like saving, cooking and cleaning---patting you on the back and telling you how great of a wife and mom you'll make one day because you're good at domestic things.

And then you turn 30---and suddenly a dark cloud is looming. The grim reaper is lurking after 35 to eat your now useless eggs for breakfast. You've failed at life because you have not produced an heir...or managed to get married because you were "too picky" or "too focused on your career". You are no longer complimented for saving---you're 30, responsibility is a requirement. You can cook and clean all you want to---but people just wonder what, but most importantly who, you are doing all of that for. You learn that your birth control mastery may have rendered you barren...or at best reproductively challenged. Life no longer seems full of possibilities...but rather bleak and empty. Unless you count the weddings in which you will be named maid of honor---because you have no real life and therefore have time for things like picking up Spanx for the bride.

At some point, I hope to look upon being a 30-something with the same hope as I did being a 20-something---but I have no idea when that will be, or if that day will come. 30 is not the new 20, it's the old 30. Honest.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

What a girl wants...

I responded to a tweet regarding Black women's standards in relationships and the effect these standards were having on their ability to find lasting relationships. Personally, I don't think it's the *actual* standards that are causing the problem---but more so the *perception* that these standards are unreasonable. I said just that in response to the tweet, but in less than 140 characters (including spaces).

Before I "go in" on how I really feel about this, I feel I should let you know what my expectations are in a partner...and while I can't control your feelings, please note before you comment that this is *my* list...and I'm perfectly (more than) *ok* with being single forever. So, here goes...

1) He must have a relationship with God. I will also accept more spiritual rather than religious but he must believe in a higher power...and he cannot be Jewish, Catholic, Seven Day Adventist or Muslim. Not that there is anything wrong with people who practice these religions, but based on my own personal beliefs--we can't create a whole family unit.

2) He must be black...or have at least 1 black parent. I am personally uncomfortable with dating outside of my race. I don't think my family would care nor do I think my friends would either...and I have friends that have and do date outside of their race and seem happy, but it's just not for me.

3) A legal source of income---It doesn't have to be one that makes him a lot of money but it needs to be work that he is proud of and passionate about, and if not, he should have a plan to get the job he is proud of and passionate about.

4) An education or a reason why not---This one throws people for a loop. I realize that college is not for everybody, so if you didn't go to college, there needs to be reason why---military, sports, whatever.

5) Close to his family

6) A plan for the a real, live plan.

7) An ability to make me laugh every day...not LOL every day, but I need at least a giggle. Humor is important.

8) A good heart

9) Clean shoes (and hands and nails)---those are his feet and hands...if he can't take care of them, he probably won't take care of me either. *shrug*

10) A desire for kids---at least 2.

11) He must be reasonably good looking---which for me includes, at least 5'8", a nice smile, dressed appropriately for the occassion and some sort of evidence that he has seen a gym in the past 90 days.

Now, according to this article, the standards of Black women are causing them to miss out on good relationships with good, black men. Based on the evidence this article provided there are some men who because of the economy are working at job simply to make money (that is the job they have isn't a job they would have picked otherwise) or are unemployed---and when they tell women what they do (or don't do) the women are no longer interested in them. Other comments to the original tweet included, "women only care about money or the car or the house he has" and "this guy had bad credit and his girl left him" and "money isn't everything".

I have always said that every "good" man isn't "good" for everybody. I have met many black men who were "good" on paper---but weren't right for me. For example, I don't care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive---but if I don't desire you physically, it's not going to work. On the flip side, if you live with your mom and have 5 kids and can't pay your child support and have to hold your cousin's car to run to the store but you could be a super model, I don't want you either. Not because you don't have it all---but you don't have it all together. I can't be with someone who's life is not organized...and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Would I date a guy who didn't have a job? Yes---but having done it, I'm not going to date you without a job for an extended period of time. Would I date a guy who didn't have a lot of money? isn't everything and for the most part, everything I want/need out of life I can get or already have on my own. Would I marry a guy without a job? No...because I believe that you need to be stable to get married. My idea of stable means we both have incomes. Would I date a guy who had a service job (like the UPS guy)? Yes. Would I date a guy who had kids already? Yes...and would consider marrying him *if* he takes care of them properly (and my idea of properly means you pay your child support on time and have a relationship with your children). I don't think my expectations are too all. I don't have anything on my list (except for height) that I can't offer to my partner. But, when I meet men---they hear that I am college educated, have at least two jobs at a time (sometimes 3), that I'm back in school for my third degree, drive a nice car (that's in my own name) and live by myself (in a nice apartment) they *assume* that I'm not going to be interested in the fact that they have a roommate and work at FedEx and have 2 kids and have never been to college because they went into the military. They pretty much dismiss *me* based on my story before giving me a chance to accept them based on theirs.

Now, are there some women who only care about money and status? Of course. Likewise, there are some men who care only about looks and/or sex. How many guys do you know (be honest) that have stepped out on their average looking girlfriend who cooked, cleaned, worked hard and held them down for a girl who bad a big ass? Or a nice rack? Or (said she) gave great head? But probably has a couple of outside kids and can't cook and her house looks like a tornado hit it. Guys have unrealistic expectations for women most of them time---and keep that same mentality until they are ready to settle down. Only then does the size of girl's backside become less important than her ability to raise your kids. I also believe the same is true for most women. When all you want to do is date---maybe a man's bank account is what's important. But when you're ready to get married you learn that money doesn't matter as much as his work ethic and love for *you*. Are there women who say they are ready to settle down and get married that care more about what you make and drive than your heart? Of course. Just like there are men who promise you the world until you sleep with him...and he bounces.

At the end of the day, it's not about's about finding someone who is on the same page as you and ready for and wants the same things as you. If you, as a man or woman, is ready to find a person to be married to, don't believe the hype. People are more than willing to tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. So, if you're the manager at Moe's and she leaves you, drink in hand at the club because you don't make six figures, she wasn't the girl for least not today. And if you're the girl with the less than ample behind who guys pass over, don't worry---those skills in the kitchen will pay off. But, if you're a girl waiting on a rich man to take care of you...or a guy who wants a girl to blow him because the sun came up, please stay inside so those of us who mean well can find each other without you in the way.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Dead End...

For those of you on the high road, I've reached the end. Let me tell you what's there: a big sign, with flashing lights, dancing leprechauns with Dave Chapelle voices...the sign says "Dead End" and the the leprechauns are singing "gotcha trick". So, yeah...take your detour *now*.

But, for those of you interested in that type of thing----I hope you enjoyed the one sided as it was...

I've written and re-written and re-written the re-write of this post about 5 times. Each time it seemed to be missing something or was bitter or was more show and tell than I'd like to be on the *internet*, here I am again, trying to work these words into something worthy of my blog without taking it to a place where it shouldn't go.

In the end, what I'm left with is this... There are 2 sides to every coin, 2 sides to every story but only 1 version of the truth. Now, each person's truth is different---due to his or her perception, but I'm not talking about that----I'm talking about the true story that each person knows lives inside them...that isn't jaded by feelings or trying to save face. When faced with a difficult situation, especially a public one, it can be very easy to get caught up in the moment and start telling your side of the story...showing your side of the not to be outdone but the other side. But I'm telling you---no good comes from that. Sometimes the best move, while the hardest to make, is no move at all...and sometimes, the best thing to say, is nothing at all. Sometimes you have to live with knowing what you know...even if no one else will ever know what you know...

But, don't push people. You never know what will push them beyond their limits...or what will cause them to push back...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Words I Never Said...

Fuck you. Oh wait, I said that. But I didn't mean it then. But I totally mean it now...

My Granddad passed away about 5 years ago. It was one of the deepest hurts I've felt as an adult. Not because we were close---but because we weren't speaking when he passed. He was moody...liked to shut people out. He'd been in a mood one day when I called and didn't answer and as was my nature then---I never called back. I should have called back. But I didn't.

This is relevant. Promise.

One of the things that he said to me---and I remember this moment clearly---is that he hoped that as I grew older I would learn that I didn't have to say everything I knew or everything I felt. He wanted me to understand that it was enough to know or feel...and sharing wasn't always necessary. I laughed then...and now sometimes, but for entirely different reasons. Then, it seemed comical to imagine my biting my tongue *just because*. Now, it's served me well but for all the wrong reasons.

I've not said everything I think. Tough to believe, I know. If you know me, or have ever seen me in rare form, when I care less about someone's feelings than I do about recycling (and I really do not give a hot damn about recycling...sue me), you probably don't believe that I have ever held back. I've hurt feelings. On purpose. Without cause or reason. Because I could. "Are we friends?" they asked, "No," I replied..."not even on Facebook". Like really, that happened. I'm not mean. I'm just not very nice.

In love and in certain friendships I have learned to be more reserved. To be honest, it's failed me more than not. I've ended up more hurt and pushed away than if I had just said what I thought, feelings be damned... But, when you put anothers feelings before your own, the consequence of that behavior is usually unpleasant. Mostly I've held back because I was afraid of losing...losing the relationship, the friend, or both.

Right now, I've more points in the "L" column then the "W" column. Go figure.

I'm learning it's all about balance...and sometimes I'm going to lose anyway. But just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost...

I can't take back the words I never Fuck you. I faked it. No, I really don't care. I don't want to go. Take your ass to the couch. Why the hell do you care what milk I buy? Why are you lying---literally through your teeth...I mean, you tweeted about this... Go play in traffic. You aren't really that smart. I think less of you. You are a bitchass---what happened to the "no bitchassness movement"? It's not the jeans that make you look fat. I think your significant other is crazy. You are crazy. You need meds and a therapist. I have better shoes. You've fucked up...royally. You're gay, which is fine---I mean we know, but clearly you don't. Size matters...wait, I said that. What will happen when he/she discovers you aren't who you said you are, I mean...who will you be Your thighs look like they have been beaten with a bag of nickels...wait, I said that too... I love you...straight, no chaser...but you have to leave...because right now, I don't like who I am for loving you...

You know, it felt good to get that out...