Words I Never Said...

Fuck you. Oh wait, I said that. But I didn't mean it then. But I totally mean it now...

My Granddad passed away about 5 years ago. It was one of the deepest hurts I've felt as an adult. Not because we were close---but because we weren't speaking when he passed. He was moody...liked to shut people out. He'd been in a mood one day when I called and didn't answer and as was my nature then---I never called back. I should have called back. But I didn't.

This is relevant. Promise.

One of the things that he said to me---and I remember this moment clearly---is that he hoped that as I grew older I would learn that I didn't have to say everything I knew or everything I felt. He wanted me to understand that it was enough to know or feel...and sharing wasn't always necessary. I laughed then...and now sometimes, but for entirely different reasons. Then, it seemed comical to imagine my biting my tongue *just because*. Now, it's served me well but for all the wrong reasons.

I've not said everything I think. Tough to believe, I know. If you know me, or have ever seen me in rare form, when I care less about someone's feelings than I do about recycling (and I really do not give a hot damn about recycling...sue me), you probably don't believe that I have ever held back. I've hurt feelings. On purpose. Without cause or reason. Because I could. "Are we friends?" they asked, "No," I replied..."not even on Facebook". Like really, that happened. I'm not mean. I'm just not very nice.

In love and in certain friendships I have learned to be more reserved. To be honest, it's failed me more than not. I've ended up more hurt and pushed away than if I had just said what I thought, feelings be damned... But, when you put anothers feelings before your own, the consequence of that behavior is usually unpleasant. Mostly I've held back because I was afraid of losing...losing the relationship, the friend, or both.

Right now, I've more points in the "L" column then the "W" column. Go figure.

I'm learning it's all about balance...and sometimes I'm going to lose anyway. But just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost...

I can't take back the words I never said...like: Fuck you. I faked it. No, really---fuck.you. I really don't care. I don't want to go. Take your ass to the couch. Why the hell do you care what milk I buy? Why are you lying---literally through your teeth...I mean, you tweeted about this... Go play in traffic. You aren't really that smart. I think less of you. You are a bitchass---what happened to the "no bitchassness movement"? It's not the jeans that make you look fat. I think your significant other is crazy. You are crazy. You need meds and a therapist. I have better shoes. You've fucked up...royally. You're gay, which is fine---I mean we know, but clearly you don't. Size matters...wait, I said that. What will happen when he/she discovers you aren't who you said you are, I mean...who will you be then...you? Your thighs look like they have been beaten with a bag of nickels...wait, I said that too... I love you...straight, no chaser...but you have to leave...because right now, I don't like who I am for loving you...

You know, it felt good to get that out...

Deuces...