Don't hate the player...hate "the game"...remix...

***This is the remix... I didn't mean to post this until I made some additions and a few much needed edits. Enjoy...***

And by "The Game" I mean the show. And I don't hate it. I just don't like it very much right now.

So, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I knew that I missed my ex. It's only logical that I would miss him. I've known him as long as I've known myself. And by that I mean 9 years. When he graduated and moved away it hurt just like it used to back then...when we lived apart and after a visit he would go back home. Except then I knew it would be just a few weeks before he'd be back-and those tears were just what I did ( I did a lot of crying back in the day)...and now it's not like that. I cried when he left. Harder and longer that I have in a while. And since that time has passed I realized I loved a boy that wouldn't ever love me back...and I don't know how to stop loving him...and even that didn't make me cry as much as the day he went away. The pickle is that I didn't know exactly how much I missed him until just now. Almost right this very second. And it's a lot. And it hurts. A pretty good bit.

I passed up a chance to see him this week-end. It was the right thing to do. It was the adult thing to do. It was the hard thing to do. I couldn't see him knowing that he would likely say things he shouldn't and then go back to someone who isn't me. The someone else part is the part I'm most ok with. The saying things he shouldn't is the hard part. Because as much as I don't want to hear them...and don't want to believe them---part of me needs to know those things he thinks and only has the courage to say when he sees me. Of course I know those things are not the kind of things I need to hear. Those things will send be back to a place that I visit enough on my own without a free trip there courtesy of a getting things off my chest moment from him. I know there will always be things we shouldn't say...but that has never meant you couldn't think them.

I moved on. And then back. And then on. And then back. And now on. It's hard to spend the night with someone who doesn't understand the concept of a cuddle. I haven't had a good cuddle in over a year. And I'm adorable. I deserve a good cuddle. I miss the cuddles and I miss the kisses. I miss the dates and dinners. But mostly I miss the company. I miss those moments when you're in the same room not saying anything but feeling like it was a great time spent together. It's difficult to think of the person you once loved more than yourself with those arms wrapped around a person who didn't help them grow...doesn't understand where the strength comes from that helped him hold you. To think of him looking at her when he wakes up and telling her she's beautiful. And you very well might be...but she's no me. I try not to think about those things-but its hard. I tell myself (not as often as before but still more often than I would like) that I can't go back there. With him or anyone else...to the place or time when I love another person more than I love me. But I could go to a place where we both love just as we should. Though I don't think the ex is allowed in that place with me either. We...he and I...likely won't ever be. Which is sad since we are completely different people than we were when we were...together. Things didn't work between those two...but maybe it could work now. Except I can't take the chance that it won't...and what's worse I can't take the chance that it would.

Which is why I can't see him. I can't say he won't say... And I don't know that I'll have the strength to say... And then what can I say...when I'm crying so hard I can't say... Or when I'm smiling so big words aren't necessary... I don't know. For now it's best to stay apart. Until I know for sure that one option isn't an option anymore...

The show comes in.........here. Melaine and Derwin were together and the apart and now together. Some of the same roller coaster type things that he and I went through. And now I see them Mel and Derwin) and it makes me think that maybe he and I could make it... Then reality bites...and I remember that I'm not the one who left me...and I strengthen my resolve to stay strong and not love him. Even in those moments when every fiber of my being is saying that I should...and still do...and always will. I'm not so sure that I believe those fibers though...but then again I've no reason not to either.

And now I've got that Ne-Yo and Rihanna song stuck in my head...

I do hate the game...I do...I really, really do...