Confused...

So, in case you haven't noticed. I'm a little confused. More than a little...a lot.

There's a lot going on in my life right. And then, nothing at all at the very same time.

My ex got married. I didn't take that very well. It's not that I'm still in love with him...I'd lost that loving feeling a long time ago. It's just that when you replay the last 6 months of our correspondence, that last thing I expected him to say while I was standing in line at the pharmacy was "I'm engaged". I can't even believe that the whole thing is real...it seems like I'm dreaming. Like in any moment I'm going to wake up in a sweat, roll over and look at the clock to discover it's barely past 3 AM. I don't know what to think...or to say. I don't even know my place anymore. I've been friends and more than friends and then back more times that I can count with this person. It's like when you're 7 and your baby brother or sister starts playing with something you are way to old for...you don't really want them to have it, but you know it's really no good for you either. I'm lost. I want to talk and chit chat like the friends we were before he put a ring on this girl's finger...but I can't. Everything is different and as much as I had hoped that our friendship could weather anything...I was wrong...and you know, I've been wrong about a lot lately, so whats new??? I just never thought that the one friend I'd had since the beginning would be the one I'd lose...

I read somewhere that if a guy wants to be with you...get to you...he'll build a bridge to make that happen. Think the Golden Gate. Yeah, that big. I'm slowly realizing how true that is. So, here I am...all out on my island with not bridge. Boo. Not to mention that I'd given this person cables, and nails, high powered nail guns, cement...and a crane even. Still...no bridge. I had accepted my place on the list, because of how I felt. I'm no longer in that place. Not the list...I've definitely not moved up. I mean the place where I accept that. There are things I want from life...a condo in Atlanta, a car that costs more than most kids college tuition, world peace, to publish my book...be VP of PR for a company that makes it into Fortune Magazine for something really, really good. And taking crap from people who take advantage of how wonderful I am stops. now. I'm bored with waiting. And when I get bored, that's when I get into the most trouble.

And while I'm here...what is it about guys that makes them think that somehow this is all about them??? Newsflash...it's not about you. Just as you don't want to do this officially...that's the same way I don't want to be "just" friends. My bad for upsetting the natural order of things that had you all front and center and at the top of the list for getting things your way. This is not Burger King, ok??? I'm just so sick...and beyond tired of being sick. And so...all I can tell you is this...

Go put your head in a plastic bag...tie it...and breathe...deeply.

Later...