I've been fishing. It was not a fruitful endeavor so I cut bait.. Didn't even bother reeling the line back in and salvaging the hook. No. grabbed my scissors, cut my losses---even lost my lure. I couldn't imagine the slow, time killing process of reeling back in...to discover my hook empty...my lure practically laughing at me. It all had to go. Hell, I'm tempted to throw the rod in too.
By fishing, I mean dating... And by cutting bait, I mean cutting off a guy. I can't with them sometimes... I have no problem making the initial investment...no problem with the risk involved in investing my time, maybe even some emotion and not getting anything in return.
That's the thing about investments---you don't always get a return and sometimes, you lose.
What I'm not ok with---and here is *why* I've been cutting bait (so much more than I ever have before)---is a pond full of biting fish that lure you in, with no intention of taking your bait or ending up in your bucket headed for home.
Allow me to explain...
If you're not ready for a relationship---a real, live relationship---and all that encompasses---stop...STOP asking girls for their number. STOP acting interested. No, really. A woman (or a man) will not make you ready for commitment. You either are ready---or you aren't. Simple. The problem is that most men (I'm going to generalize here but I don't date the ladies...) aren't ready...not even close---but they want someone to pass the time with them, you know...practice---until they are ready. That's not ok. I'm not practice material. Most good, stable, wonderfully beautiful women are not practice material. But you keep soliciting our time with your good intentions and the promise of "some day soon". No sir. Not ok.
The road of regret is paved with good intentions. I'm not walking down that road any longer good, sir. You're on your own.
I've been that girl---not really ready for a committed relationship with a great guy who was. I broke that guy's heart---twice. The aftermath wasn't pretty. I thought that by being with someone who was ready to be with me I could secure a perfect mate and ready myself for him at the same time. It didn't work that way. Instead, I ended up frustrated and "smothered" and he was hurt and "tired of trying". It ended badly...twice. In the end I discovered that it really wasn't him---but me who needed to do some inside work. And by inside, I mean figuring out my deal breakers---what I was willing to give or not give and what I wanted from someone. I hate that I hurt someone who cared about me...but more importantly I hate that I didn't get a chance to earn some good love karma by not hurting him in the first place.
If you aren't ready to put someone else before yourself (for whatever reason)---you're not ready.
If you're not available---or ready to make time to be available---for conversation, quiet walks, dinners and movies (or whatever else a person needs from you to feel valued and for you to learn more about them)---you're not ready.
If you don't know who you are as a person, or what's important to you in life---you're not ready.
If you are unable to make a person feel wanted---no, desired---you aren't ready.
If you don't grasp that love matters more to someone with their heart open than anything else (that's real...)---you're not ready.
And no amount of time and companionship offered from practice material (or someone you decided to practice on) is going to make you ready. All you're doing is keeping someone who is ready from meeting another person who is also ready. Let that person go...or better yet, don't get them in the first place.
Better to be by yourself of your own choosing then to be cut off. Besides, you can earn some good love karma by being selective that way. And after all the practice you've done...you may need it.
..."I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been... Here I go again on my own..."---Audra Mae
Friday, February 10, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Time Out...
We need to regroup.
So, I've been dating. When last we spoke about my relationship (or lack thereof...) I was nursing a broken heart. I'm over it. And him. Granted, times have caused a change in directionality from over to under... I mean, it happens.
If you are not witty enough to catch that, you're going to be very confused by my writing.
To be honest, since there was a lack of commitment there, I'd done my fair share of dating before. But nothing could ever *go* anywhere. It's hard to be all in for someone new when only 33% of you is really available. Dating when my whole heart is up for grabs has been, well, different.
I'm not the "in my feelings" type. I mean, I have feelings. But I'm grown---I can't roll around in them all day or on command to help someone else feel better about where they stand in my life. Warning: Guys *do not* know how to take this. They all say they want a no nonsense non needy woman, but when you respond to "I miss you" with, "That's nice, I'm at work...do you need something?" they can't cope. My lack of desire to be within my feelings coupled with a penchant for signaling the end of relationship (full blown or blossoming) with two fingers, a la Nixon, leaves men thrown. (Basically, I throw the deuces and I'm out). Eh, I mean, I'm 30. I don't have all kinds of time to be wasted.
When it's over, it's over. Move on. Lose my number. Seriously.
So, in the midst of my dating, I've reached breaking points with suitors, or gentleman callers. The breaking point comes when there is clear reason for a DTR (define the relationship) but at least one of the two involved is unwilling to negotiate. I will admit, I'm partly to blame. I have had a couple conversations that were probably attempts to "wife me" but I wouldn't sign the papers. I just wasn't...ready. Or I wasn't ready for them. Likewise I've liked a guy enough to not want to see anyone else---but he wanted to keep his options open... That's almost the worst feeling ever.
That aside, recently I've begun to struggle because while I'm certain I've thrown in the towel too early, I'm also certain I've thrown the towel in too late. Twitter (and the #Twitterpoll) was *no* help. Sorry guys, sad...but true. I thought about it...and come to this conclusion: finding love had no expiration date. People however, do. I can't say I have figured out the magic formula for when enough is enough---but rather, I'm going to continue to learn as I go.
Just remember, you can only hold the starting position if you're constantly aware of the bench...
"[you're] not the only one trying to the be the only one"---Drake or maybe J.Cole... I don't know, some light skinned dude who is only in style cause he's famous. Good quote though...
So, I've been dating. When last we spoke about my relationship (or lack thereof...) I was nursing a broken heart. I'm over it. And him. Granted, times have caused a change in directionality from over to under... I mean, it happens.
If you are not witty enough to catch that, you're going to be very confused by my writing.
To be honest, since there was a lack of commitment there, I'd done my fair share of dating before. But nothing could ever *go* anywhere. It's hard to be all in for someone new when only 33% of you is really available. Dating when my whole heart is up for grabs has been, well, different.
I'm not the "in my feelings" type. I mean, I have feelings. But I'm grown---I can't roll around in them all day or on command to help someone else feel better about where they stand in my life. Warning: Guys *do not* know how to take this. They all say they want a no nonsense non needy woman, but when you respond to "I miss you" with, "That's nice, I'm at work...do you need something?" they can't cope. My lack of desire to be within my feelings coupled with a penchant for signaling the end of relationship (full blown or blossoming) with two fingers, a la Nixon, leaves men thrown. (Basically, I throw the deuces and I'm out). Eh, I mean, I'm 30. I don't have all kinds of time to be wasted.
When it's over, it's over. Move on. Lose my number. Seriously.
So, in the midst of my dating, I've reached breaking points with suitors, or gentleman callers. The breaking point comes when there is clear reason for a DTR (define the relationship) but at least one of the two involved is unwilling to negotiate. I will admit, I'm partly to blame. I have had a couple conversations that were probably attempts to "wife me" but I wouldn't sign the papers. I just wasn't...ready. Or I wasn't ready for them. Likewise I've liked a guy enough to not want to see anyone else---but he wanted to keep his options open... That's almost the worst feeling ever.
That aside, recently I've begun to struggle because while I'm certain I've thrown in the towel too early, I'm also certain I've thrown the towel in too late. Twitter (and the #Twitterpoll) was *no* help. Sorry guys, sad...but true. I thought about it...and come to this conclusion: finding love had no expiration date. People however, do. I can't say I have figured out the magic formula for when enough is enough---but rather, I'm going to continue to learn as I go.
Just remember, you can only hold the starting position if you're constantly aware of the bench...
"[you're] not the only one trying to the be the only one"---Drake or maybe J.Cole... I don't know, some light skinned dude who is only in style cause he's famous. Good quote though...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
...no...just no...
Not exactly commandments---but an extended public service announcement...
Let me tell you what you're not going to do...
No, just no---do not text me when I've called you or call me when I've sent you a text message. Why would you do that? You know what happens when you do that---nothing. As in I don't answer nor do I reply. Crickets...
No, just no---do not "holla" at me with recycled rap lines. I listen to more music than you. I heard that line before it got radio play. Be original. Better yet---don't be. Give me a reason to publicly embarrass you. Please.
No, just no---do not mispronounce my name. I say it that way for a reason. Shana like Banana. If you don't understand the simple rules of rhyming you will not last with me.
No, just no---do not try and "holla" at my girl and then try me (or the opposite) when she does not accept your advances. This same sentiment goes if you don't even know we are friends...though the fact that we've been in the same social circle for years might have been a hint. Do some research. Better yet, don't. I love rolling my eyes at you when you try and act like I didn't see you all in my homegirl's ear. Love.
No, just no---do not lie. I have verbal picture perfect memory. This means I can recall every.single.word you've ever said to me. I'm hell in argument. Just tell truth...save yourself the trouble and me the time...
No, just no---do not follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook if you're just going to call me or text me every time I say/do/post/tweet something you do not approve of. Who are you? Nobody...
No, just no---do not expect boyfriend privileges when you have maintenance man security clearance. You know what that means. In this arrangement you are the worker. This is a job. You clock in. You clock out. You take your lunch breaks away from work---or you bring your meal with you. NO meals provided here. None---not even a Little Debbie. You don't sleep at work do you? No. Clock in. Work. Break. Work. Clock out. That's your security clearance. No, no you may not fix a sandwich. Or have the remote to change the channel. Or sleep over. Or bring your laundry. What do I look like? Yes, I enjoy being domestic for my boyfriend. You are not him. Check your badge sir...oh, what does it say...maintenance, right? Exactly.
...just don't ok....just don't...
Let me tell you what you're not going to do...
No, just no---do not text me when I've called you or call me when I've sent you a text message. Why would you do that? You know what happens when you do that---nothing. As in I don't answer nor do I reply. Crickets...
No, just no---do not "holla" at me with recycled rap lines. I listen to more music than you. I heard that line before it got radio play. Be original. Better yet---don't be. Give me a reason to publicly embarrass you. Please.
No, just no---do not mispronounce my name. I say it that way for a reason. Shana like Banana. If you don't understand the simple rules of rhyming you will not last with me.
No, just no---do not try and "holla" at my girl and then try me (or the opposite) when she does not accept your advances. This same sentiment goes if you don't even know we are friends...though the fact that we've been in the same social circle for years might have been a hint. Do some research. Better yet, don't. I love rolling my eyes at you when you try and act like I didn't see you all in my homegirl's ear. Love.
No, just no---do not lie. I have verbal picture perfect memory. This means I can recall every.single.word you've ever said to me. I'm hell in argument. Just tell truth...save yourself the trouble and me the time...
No, just no---do not follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook if you're just going to call me or text me every time I say/do/post/tweet something you do not approve of. Who are you? Nobody...
No, just no---do not expect boyfriend privileges when you have maintenance man security clearance. You know what that means. In this arrangement you are the worker. This is a job. You clock in. You clock out. You take your lunch breaks away from work---or you bring your meal with you. NO meals provided here. None---not even a Little Debbie. You don't sleep at work do you? No. Clock in. Work. Break. Work. Clock out. That's your security clearance. No, no you may not fix a sandwich. Or have the remote to change the channel. Or sleep over. Or bring your laundry. What do I look like? Yes, I enjoy being domestic for my boyfriend. You are not him. Check your badge sir...oh, what does it say...maintenance, right? Exactly.
...just don't ok....just don't...
Monday, September 12, 2011
30...
I'm turning 30. T-4 days. woo.hoo. yay. I'm not excited.
It's not so much the age that bothers me...but leaving behind my 20's and all that being a 20-something meant. When you're childless as a 20-something it's an accomplishment (congratulations, you've mastered birth control)...and being single means you didn't settle for the ring that came with a not so great guy but instead have so many possibilities, hundreds of dates to go on and a career that is full of promise. People are proud of you for the little things, like saving, cooking and cleaning---patting you on the back and telling you how great of a wife and mom you'll make one day because you're good at domestic things.
And then you turn 30---and suddenly a dark cloud is looming. The grim reaper is lurking after 35 to eat your now useless eggs for breakfast. You've failed at life because you have not produced an heir...or managed to get married because you were "too picky" or "too focused on your career". You are no longer complimented for saving---you're 30, responsibility is a requirement. You can cook and clean all you want to---but people just wonder what, but most importantly who, you are doing all of that for. You learn that your birth control mastery may have rendered you barren...or at best reproductively challenged. Life no longer seems full of possibilities...but rather bleak and empty. Unless you count the weddings in which you will be named maid of honor---because you have no real life and therefore have time for things like picking up Spanx for the bride.
At some point, I hope to look upon being a 30-something with the same hope as I did being a 20-something---but I have no idea when that will be, or if that day will come. 30 is not the new 20, it's the old 30. Honest.
It's not so much the age that bothers me...but leaving behind my 20's and all that being a 20-something meant. When you're childless as a 20-something it's an accomplishment (congratulations, you've mastered birth control)...and being single means you didn't settle for the ring that came with a not so great guy but instead have so many possibilities, hundreds of dates to go on and a career that is full of promise. People are proud of you for the little things, like saving, cooking and cleaning---patting you on the back and telling you how great of a wife and mom you'll make one day because you're good at domestic things.
And then you turn 30---and suddenly a dark cloud is looming. The grim reaper is lurking after 35 to eat your now useless eggs for breakfast. You've failed at life because you have not produced an heir...or managed to get married because you were "too picky" or "too focused on your career". You are no longer complimented for saving---you're 30, responsibility is a requirement. You can cook and clean all you want to---but people just wonder what, but most importantly who, you are doing all of that for. You learn that your birth control mastery may have rendered you barren...or at best reproductively challenged. Life no longer seems full of possibilities...but rather bleak and empty. Unless you count the weddings in which you will be named maid of honor---because you have no real life and therefore have time for things like picking up Spanx for the bride.
At some point, I hope to look upon being a 30-something with the same hope as I did being a 20-something---but I have no idea when that will be, or if that day will come. 30 is not the new 20, it's the old 30. Honest.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
What a girl wants...
I responded to a tweet regarding Black women's standards in relationships and the effect these standards were having on their ability to find lasting relationships. Personally, I don't think it's the *actual* standards that are causing the problem---but more so the *perception* that these standards are unreasonable. I said just that in response to the tweet, but in less than 140 characters (including spaces).
Before I "go in" on how I really feel about this, I feel I should let you know what my expectations are in a partner...and while I can't control your feelings, please note before you comment that this is *my* list...and I'm perfectly (more than) *ok* with being single forever. So, here goes...
1) He must have a relationship with God. I will also accept more spiritual rather than religious but he must believe in a higher power...and he cannot be Jewish, Catholic, Seven Day Adventist or Muslim. Not that there is anything wrong with people who practice these religions, but based on my own personal beliefs--we can't create a whole family unit.
2) He must be black...or have at least 1 black parent. I am personally uncomfortable with dating outside of my race. I don't think my family would care nor do I think my friends would either...and I have friends that have and do date outside of their race and seem happy, but it's just not for me.
3) A legal source of income---It doesn't have to be one that makes him a lot of money but it needs to be work that he is proud of and passionate about, and if not, he should have a plan to get the job he is proud of and passionate about.
4) An education or a reason why not---This one throws people for a loop. I realize that college is not for everybody, so if you didn't go to college, there needs to be reason why---military, sports, whatever.
5) Close to his family
6) A plan for the future...like a real, live plan.
7) An ability to make me laugh every day...not LOL every day, but I need at least a giggle. Humor is important.
8) A good heart
9) Clean shoes (and hands and nails)---those are his feet and hands...if he can't take care of them, he probably won't take care of me either. *shrug*
10) A desire for kids---at least 2.
11) He must be reasonably good looking---which for me includes, at least 5'8", a nice smile, dressed appropriately for the occassion and some sort of evidence that he has seen a gym in the past 90 days.
Now, according to this article, the standards of Black women are causing them to miss out on good relationships with good, black men. Based on the evidence this article provided there are some men who because of the economy are working at job simply to make money (that is the job they have isn't a job they would have picked otherwise) or are unemployed---and when they tell women what they do (or don't do) the women are no longer interested in them. Other comments to the original tweet included, "women only care about money or the car or the house he has" and "this guy had bad credit and his girl left him" and "money isn't everything".
I have always said that every "good" man isn't "good" for everybody. I have met many black men who were "good" on paper---but weren't right for me. For example, I don't care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive---but if I don't desire you physically, it's not going to work. On the flip side, if you live with your mom and have 5 kids and can't pay your child support and have to hold your cousin's car to run to the store but you could be a super model, I don't want you either. Not because you don't have it all---but you don't have it all together. I can't be with someone who's life is not organized...and I'm not going to apologize for that.
Would I date a guy who didn't have a job? Yes---but having done it, I'm not going to date you without a job for an extended period of time. Would I date a guy who didn't have a lot of money? Yes...money isn't everything and for the most part, everything I want/need out of life I can get or already have on my own. Would I marry a guy without a job? No...because I believe that you need to be stable to get married. My idea of stable means we both have incomes. Would I date a guy who had a service job (like the UPS guy)? Yes. Would I date a guy who had kids already? Yes...and would consider marrying him *if* he takes care of them properly (and my idea of properly means you pay your child support on time and have a relationship with your children). I don't think my expectations are too high...at all. I don't have anything on my list (except for height) that I can't offer to my partner. But, when I meet men---they hear that I am college educated, have at least two jobs at a time (sometimes 3), that I'm back in school for my third degree, drive a nice car (that's in my own name) and live by myself (in a nice apartment) they *assume* that I'm not going to be interested in the fact that they have a roommate and work at FedEx and have 2 kids and have never been to college because they went into the military. They pretty much dismiss *me* based on my story before giving me a chance to accept them based on theirs.
Now, are there some women who only care about money and status? Of course. Likewise, there are some men who care only about looks and/or sex. How many guys do you know (be honest) that have stepped out on their average looking girlfriend who cooked, cleaned, worked hard and held them down for a girl who bad a big ass? Or a nice rack? Or (said she) gave great head? But probably has a couple of outside kids and can't cook and her house looks like a tornado hit it. Guys have unrealistic expectations for women most of them time---and keep that same mentality until they are ready to settle down. Only then does the size of girl's backside become less important than her ability to raise your kids. I also believe the same is true for most women. When all you want to do is date---maybe a man's bank account is what's important. But when you're ready to get married you learn that money doesn't matter as much as his work ethic and love for *you*. Are there women who say they are ready to settle down and get married that care more about what you make and drive than your heart? Of course. Just like there are men who promise you the world until you sleep with him...and he bounces.
At the end of the day, it's not about expectations...it's about finding someone who is on the same page as you and ready for and wants the same things as you. If you, as a man or woman, is ready to find a person to be married to, don't believe the hype. People are more than willing to tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. So, if you're the manager at Moe's and she leaves you, drink in hand at the club because you don't make six figures, she wasn't the girl for you...at least not today. And if you're the girl with the less than ample behind who guys pass over, don't worry---those skills in the kitchen will pay off. But, if you're a girl waiting on a rich man to take care of you...or a guy who wants a girl to blow him because the sun came up, please stay inside so those of us who mean well can find each other without you in the way.
Before I "go in" on how I really feel about this, I feel I should let you know what my expectations are in a partner...and while I can't control your feelings, please note before you comment that this is *my* list...and I'm perfectly (more than) *ok* with being single forever. So, here goes...
1) He must have a relationship with God. I will also accept more spiritual rather than religious but he must believe in a higher power...and he cannot be Jewish, Catholic, Seven Day Adventist or Muslim. Not that there is anything wrong with people who practice these religions, but based on my own personal beliefs--we can't create a whole family unit.
2) He must be black...or have at least 1 black parent. I am personally uncomfortable with dating outside of my race. I don't think my family would care nor do I think my friends would either...and I have friends that have and do date outside of their race and seem happy, but it's just not for me.
3) A legal source of income---It doesn't have to be one that makes him a lot of money but it needs to be work that he is proud of and passionate about, and if not, he should have a plan to get the job he is proud of and passionate about.
4) An education or a reason why not---This one throws people for a loop. I realize that college is not for everybody, so if you didn't go to college, there needs to be reason why---military, sports, whatever.
5) Close to his family
6) A plan for the future...like a real, live plan.
7) An ability to make me laugh every day...not LOL every day, but I need at least a giggle. Humor is important.
8) A good heart
9) Clean shoes (and hands and nails)---those are his feet and hands...if he can't take care of them, he probably won't take care of me either. *shrug*
10) A desire for kids---at least 2.
11) He must be reasonably good looking---which for me includes, at least 5'8", a nice smile, dressed appropriately for the occassion and some sort of evidence that he has seen a gym in the past 90 days.
Now, according to this article, the standards of Black women are causing them to miss out on good relationships with good, black men. Based on the evidence this article provided there are some men who because of the economy are working at job simply to make money (that is the job they have isn't a job they would have picked otherwise) or are unemployed---and when they tell women what they do (or don't do) the women are no longer interested in them. Other comments to the original tweet included, "women only care about money or the car or the house he has" and "this guy had bad credit and his girl left him" and "money isn't everything".
I have always said that every "good" man isn't "good" for everybody. I have met many black men who were "good" on paper---but weren't right for me. For example, I don't care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive---but if I don't desire you physically, it's not going to work. On the flip side, if you live with your mom and have 5 kids and can't pay your child support and have to hold your cousin's car to run to the store but you could be a super model, I don't want you either. Not because you don't have it all---but you don't have it all together. I can't be with someone who's life is not organized...and I'm not going to apologize for that.
Would I date a guy who didn't have a job? Yes---but having done it, I'm not going to date you without a job for an extended period of time. Would I date a guy who didn't have a lot of money? Yes...money isn't everything and for the most part, everything I want/need out of life I can get or already have on my own. Would I marry a guy without a job? No...because I believe that you need to be stable to get married. My idea of stable means we both have incomes. Would I date a guy who had a service job (like the UPS guy)? Yes. Would I date a guy who had kids already? Yes...and would consider marrying him *if* he takes care of them properly (and my idea of properly means you pay your child support on time and have a relationship with your children). I don't think my expectations are too high...at all. I don't have anything on my list (except for height) that I can't offer to my partner. But, when I meet men---they hear that I am college educated, have at least two jobs at a time (sometimes 3), that I'm back in school for my third degree, drive a nice car (that's in my own name) and live by myself (in a nice apartment) they *assume* that I'm not going to be interested in the fact that they have a roommate and work at FedEx and have 2 kids and have never been to college because they went into the military. They pretty much dismiss *me* based on my story before giving me a chance to accept them based on theirs.
Now, are there some women who only care about money and status? Of course. Likewise, there are some men who care only about looks and/or sex. How many guys do you know (be honest) that have stepped out on their average looking girlfriend who cooked, cleaned, worked hard and held them down for a girl who bad a big ass? Or a nice rack? Or (said she) gave great head? But probably has a couple of outside kids and can't cook and her house looks like a tornado hit it. Guys have unrealistic expectations for women most of them time---and keep that same mentality until they are ready to settle down. Only then does the size of girl's backside become less important than her ability to raise your kids. I also believe the same is true for most women. When all you want to do is date---maybe a man's bank account is what's important. But when you're ready to get married you learn that money doesn't matter as much as his work ethic and love for *you*. Are there women who say they are ready to settle down and get married that care more about what you make and drive than your heart? Of course. Just like there are men who promise you the world until you sleep with him...and he bounces.
At the end of the day, it's not about expectations...it's about finding someone who is on the same page as you and ready for and wants the same things as you. If you, as a man or woman, is ready to find a person to be married to, don't believe the hype. People are more than willing to tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. So, if you're the manager at Moe's and she leaves you, drink in hand at the club because you don't make six figures, she wasn't the girl for you...at least not today. And if you're the girl with the less than ample behind who guys pass over, don't worry---those skills in the kitchen will pay off. But, if you're a girl waiting on a rich man to take care of you...or a guy who wants a girl to blow him because the sun came up, please stay inside so those of us who mean well can find each other without you in the way.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Dead End...
For those of you on the high road, I've reached the end. Let me tell you what's there: a big sign, with flashing lights, dancing leprechauns with Dave Chapelle voices...the sign says "Dead End" and the the leprechauns are singing "gotcha trick". So, yeah...take your detour *now*.
But, for those of you interested in that type of thing----I hope you enjoyed the show...as one sided as it was...
I've written and re-written and re-written the re-write of this post about 5 times. Each time it seemed to be missing something or was bitter or was more show and tell than I'd like to be on the *internet*...so, here I am again, trying to work these words into something worthy of my blog without taking it to a place where it shouldn't go.
In the end, what I'm left with is this... There are 2 sides to every coin, 2 sides to every story but only 1 version of the truth. Now, each person's truth is different---due to his or her perception, but I'm not talking about that----I'm talking about the true story that each person knows lives inside them...that isn't jaded by feelings or trying to save face. When faced with a difficult situation, especially a public one, it can be very easy to get caught up in the moment and start telling your side of the story...showing your side of the coin...as not to be outdone but the other side. But I'm telling you---no good comes from that. Sometimes the best move, while the hardest to make, is no move at all...and sometimes, the best thing to say, is nothing at all. Sometimes you have to live with knowing what you know...even if no one else will ever know what you know...
But, don't push people. You never know what will push them beyond their limits...or what will cause them to push back...
But, for those of you interested in that type of thing----I hope you enjoyed the show...as one sided as it was...
I've written and re-written and re-written the re-write of this post about 5 times. Each time it seemed to be missing something or was bitter or was more show and tell than I'd like to be on the *internet*...so, here I am again, trying to work these words into something worthy of my blog without taking it to a place where it shouldn't go.
In the end, what I'm left with is this... There are 2 sides to every coin, 2 sides to every story but only 1 version of the truth. Now, each person's truth is different---due to his or her perception, but I'm not talking about that----I'm talking about the true story that each person knows lives inside them...that isn't jaded by feelings or trying to save face. When faced with a difficult situation, especially a public one, it can be very easy to get caught up in the moment and start telling your side of the story...showing your side of the coin...as not to be outdone but the other side. But I'm telling you---no good comes from that. Sometimes the best move, while the hardest to make, is no move at all...and sometimes, the best thing to say, is nothing at all. Sometimes you have to live with knowing what you know...even if no one else will ever know what you know...
But, don't push people. You never know what will push them beyond their limits...or what will cause them to push back...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Words I Never Said...
Fuck you. Oh wait, I said that. But I didn't mean it then. But I totally mean it now...
My Granddad passed away about 5 years ago. It was one of the deepest hurts I've felt as an adult. Not because we were close---but because we weren't speaking when he passed. He was moody...liked to shut people out. He'd been in a mood one day when I called and didn't answer and as was my nature then---I never called back. I should have called back. But I didn't.
This is relevant. Promise.
One of the things that he said to me---and I remember this moment clearly---is that he hoped that as I grew older I would learn that I didn't have to say everything I knew or everything I felt. He wanted me to understand that it was enough to know or feel...and sharing wasn't always necessary. I laughed then...and now sometimes, but for entirely different reasons. Then, it seemed comical to imagine my biting my tongue *just because*. Now, it's served me well but for all the wrong reasons.
I've not said everything I think. Tough to believe, I know. If you know me, or have ever seen me in rare form, when I care less about someone's feelings than I do about recycling (and I really do not give a hot damn about recycling...sue me), you probably don't believe that I have ever held back. I've hurt feelings. On purpose. Without cause or reason. Because I could. "Are we friends?" they asked, "No," I replied..."not even on Facebook". Like really, that happened. I'm not mean. I'm just not very nice.
In love and in certain friendships I have learned to be more reserved. To be honest, it's failed me more than not. I've ended up more hurt and pushed away than if I had just said what I thought, feelings be damned... But, when you put anothers feelings before your own, the consequence of that behavior is usually unpleasant. Mostly I've held back because I was afraid of losing...losing the relationship, the friend, or both.
Right now, I've more points in the "L" column then the "W" column. Go figure.
I'm learning it's all about balance...and sometimes I'm going to lose anyway. But just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost...
I can't take back the words I never said...like: Fuck you. I faked it. No, really---fuck.you. I really don't care. I don't want to go. Take your ass to the couch. Why the hell do you care what milk I buy? Why are you lying---literally through your teeth...I mean, you tweeted about this... Go play in traffic. You aren't really that smart. I think less of you. You are a bitchass---what happened to the "no bitchassness movement"? It's not the jeans that make you look fat. I think your significant other is crazy. You are crazy. You need meds and a therapist. I have better shoes. You've fucked up...royally. You're gay, which is fine---I mean we know, but clearly you don't. Size matters...wait, I said that. What will happen when he/she discovers you aren't who you said you are, I mean...who will you be then...you? Your thighs look like they have been beaten with a bag of nickels...wait, I said that too... I love you...straight, no chaser...but you have to leave...because right now, I don't like who I am for loving you...
You know, it felt good to get that out...
Deuces...
My Granddad passed away about 5 years ago. It was one of the deepest hurts I've felt as an adult. Not because we were close---but because we weren't speaking when he passed. He was moody...liked to shut people out. He'd been in a mood one day when I called and didn't answer and as was my nature then---I never called back. I should have called back. But I didn't.
This is relevant. Promise.
One of the things that he said to me---and I remember this moment clearly---is that he hoped that as I grew older I would learn that I didn't have to say everything I knew or everything I felt. He wanted me to understand that it was enough to know or feel...and sharing wasn't always necessary. I laughed then...and now sometimes, but for entirely different reasons. Then, it seemed comical to imagine my biting my tongue *just because*. Now, it's served me well but for all the wrong reasons.
I've not said everything I think. Tough to believe, I know. If you know me, or have ever seen me in rare form, when I care less about someone's feelings than I do about recycling (and I really do not give a hot damn about recycling...sue me), you probably don't believe that I have ever held back. I've hurt feelings. On purpose. Without cause or reason. Because I could. "Are we friends?" they asked, "No," I replied..."not even on Facebook". Like really, that happened. I'm not mean. I'm just not very nice.
In love and in certain friendships I have learned to be more reserved. To be honest, it's failed me more than not. I've ended up more hurt and pushed away than if I had just said what I thought, feelings be damned... But, when you put anothers feelings before your own, the consequence of that behavior is usually unpleasant. Mostly I've held back because I was afraid of losing...losing the relationship, the friend, or both.
Right now, I've more points in the "L" column then the "W" column. Go figure.
I'm learning it's all about balance...and sometimes I'm going to lose anyway. But just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I've lost...
I can't take back the words I never said...like: Fuck you. I faked it. No, really---fuck.you. I really don't care. I don't want to go. Take your ass to the couch. Why the hell do you care what milk I buy? Why are you lying---literally through your teeth...I mean, you tweeted about this... Go play in traffic. You aren't really that smart. I think less of you. You are a bitchass---what happened to the "no bitchassness movement"? It's not the jeans that make you look fat. I think your significant other is crazy. You are crazy. You need meds and a therapist. I have better shoes. You've fucked up...royally. You're gay, which is fine---I mean we know, but clearly you don't. Size matters...wait, I said that. What will happen when he/she discovers you aren't who you said you are, I mean...who will you be then...you? Your thighs look like they have been beaten with a bag of nickels...wait, I said that too... I love you...straight, no chaser...but you have to leave...because right now, I don't like who I am for loving you...
You know, it felt good to get that out...
Deuces...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Ex Files...
*Disclaimer: The messages included in this post are for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to resemble any real person-past, present or future in any likeness.*
Basically, this should make you laugh. It's not about you, or someone like you...
Really.
My Valentine's Day, at least for the past 4 years has gone a little something like this: wake up. work. flowers. text and/or phone call from at least 1 of my exes, but usually 2 of them. dinner. sex. sleep.
Those texts and or phone calls always go something like, "hey girl...how are you?...good, good. Gotta wish you a happy Valentine's day...yeah, I know...yeah, the new girlfriend is fine...taking her to dinner later...uh huh, so how is [insert name here] treating you?...ha ha...yeah, I mean, no harm in checking up on you, right?...you take care and hope you have a good day..." And for the past 4 of the 5 years, the [insert name here] has been the *exact.same.name*.
I mean, if you know me, you know that's nothing really special. I'm the serial monogamous. I'm always dating someone.seeing someone.about to see someone.thinking about seeing someone. Yes, I'm that girl. My dad said that I should never travel without a spare. I assumed he meant a spare boy. Sue me.
Anyway, you should also know that these 2 exes that call me on holidays are also the 2 exes to which I go for advice about my experiences with the opposite sex. When you want advice about men you ask a man...not your girls. If I had known this when I started dating I'd be married by now. But I didn't and I'm not. But pass that information along to all your friends...
So, this year when they call and I say, "yeah, about that...", they already know what's coming. What followed was a brief synopsis of the past 6 months, during which, what I spent 5 years involved in was reduced to "just friends and she doesn't understand...". One of these guys, to his credit said, "Well, at least you know now..." but the other, arguably my favorite of the 2, had this to say, "Can I call this dude..." I said no. But he had a good bit to say, most of which made me laugh and a little that made me cry (it's hormones, ok) but most of which I have brilliantly summarized for your reading entertainment...
Aye, from a used to be ain't shit dude to a currently ain't shit dude I have 2 things to say: 1, you ain't shit, which I know has already been covered, and 2, you've fucked up. There's good news though: you don't know or accept 1 or 2 yet, so keep living like you are and everything will be fine. One day though, you're going to find yourself, much like me---with a girl who is funny, smart, and attractive and has a big ass (which, admittedly, Banana does not have) but she will lack the one thing I haven't been able to find in any woman since her---the kind of heart that accepts you for the person you are and the person you don't even know you can be. Now, I'm not pressed for Banana by any means, clearly you aren't either. But she and I remain friends because while we recognize we are wrong for each other, there's a friendship there that was established before the relationship---and maintaining that is important to us. I care about her, both as a friend and as an ex, and because I knew better than to dog her out---a bit of knowledge I wish you'd have had---I want nothing but the best for her, and you sir, are not it.
Banana has her faults, I know. She can get on your nerves in a way that makes you mad and irritated in way you've never felt before. She can be insecure. She is too nice and has way too many pairs of shoes. Talk to her about all of that though, and you find all of that comes from the same place as all the good in her. Man, what I hope you know, is that she really loved you. Genuinely. She was thoughtful and cared about you in a way I hope a woman will be for me one day. She can cook her ass off...and one day, will make the best wife and mother ever---and, if there is a God, who is as merciful as they say, it won't be for you. No hard feelings man, she's forgiven you and wishes you well. Me, though---man, I hope we never meet...
Now, in all seriousness...
One of the reasons why I keep in touch with this guy and another like him is because when I was going through a particularly tough time with the ex with whom I am not speaking and I wanted to know what I had done wrong while dating them---they were honest. They told me how I nagged and was too much with the phone calls...and how I tried to control everything. They also told me that they loved how they could make mistakes and not feel persecuted for it---that I could forgive and try to forget. They also told me to dial back the niceness, something I haven't been able to do, but I'm a work in process. The ex with whom I am not speaking, he didn't have anything to say, save the cliche' "nothing, it was mostly my fault"...and everyone knows its never one person's fault. He didn't help me grow as a person, too afraid to hurt my feelings I guess---but since I can't trust him to be honest, we no longer speak and I'm ok with that.
In everything that I've ever been through with love, or something like it, I have tried to learn from my mistakes. In some cases I am able to take something new away and grow---in others, like with the niceness, I am not as successful. Hey, I'm human. Looking back on the past 12 years of my life...most of which I spent entangled in situations that ended badly and could have jaded my view on every relationship I could have in the future---I see a lot of good decisions and a lot of bad ones. But at every moment, I had a choice. So now, like then I have a choice---a choice to try again or wallow in something that wasn't good for me in the first place. And while my past is indicative of my un-perfectness and subsequently I've made some bad choices...I know I've made the right choice this time. Every heartbreak is a chance to make a better choice than the one you made before...
Basically, this should make you laugh. It's not about you, or someone like you...
Really.
My Valentine's Day, at least for the past 4 years has gone a little something like this: wake up. work. flowers. text and/or phone call from at least 1 of my exes, but usually 2 of them. dinner. sex. sleep.
Those texts and or phone calls always go something like, "hey girl...how are you?...good, good. Gotta wish you a happy Valentine's day...yeah, I know...yeah, the new girlfriend is fine...taking her to dinner later...uh huh, so how is [insert name here] treating you?...ha ha...yeah, I mean, no harm in checking up on you, right?...you take care and hope you have a good day..." And for the past 4 of the 5 years, the [insert name here] has been the *exact.same.name*.
I mean, if you know me, you know that's nothing really special. I'm the serial monogamous. I'm always dating someone.seeing someone.about to see someone.thinking about seeing someone. Yes, I'm that girl. My dad said that I should never travel without a spare. I assumed he meant a spare boy. Sue me.
Anyway, you should also know that these 2 exes that call me on holidays are also the 2 exes to which I go for advice about my experiences with the opposite sex. When you want advice about men you ask a man...not your girls. If I had known this when I started dating I'd be married by now. But I didn't and I'm not. But pass that information along to all your friends...
So, this year when they call and I say, "yeah, about that...", they already know what's coming. What followed was a brief synopsis of the past 6 months, during which, what I spent 5 years involved in was reduced to "just friends and she doesn't understand...". One of these guys, to his credit said, "Well, at least you know now..." but the other, arguably my favorite of the 2, had this to say, "Can I call this dude..." I said no. But he had a good bit to say, most of which made me laugh and a little that made me cry (it's hormones, ok) but most of which I have brilliantly summarized for your reading entertainment...
Aye, from a used to be ain't shit dude to a currently ain't shit dude I have 2 things to say: 1, you ain't shit, which I know has already been covered, and 2, you've fucked up. There's good news though: you don't know or accept 1 or 2 yet, so keep living like you are and everything will be fine. One day though, you're going to find yourself, much like me---with a girl who is funny, smart, and attractive and has a big ass (which, admittedly, Banana does not have) but she will lack the one thing I haven't been able to find in any woman since her---the kind of heart that accepts you for the person you are and the person you don't even know you can be. Now, I'm not pressed for Banana by any means, clearly you aren't either. But she and I remain friends because while we recognize we are wrong for each other, there's a friendship there that was established before the relationship---and maintaining that is important to us. I care about her, both as a friend and as an ex, and because I knew better than to dog her out---a bit of knowledge I wish you'd have had---I want nothing but the best for her, and you sir, are not it.
Banana has her faults, I know. She can get on your nerves in a way that makes you mad and irritated in way you've never felt before. She can be insecure. She is too nice and has way too many pairs of shoes. Talk to her about all of that though, and you find all of that comes from the same place as all the good in her. Man, what I hope you know, is that she really loved you. Genuinely. She was thoughtful and cared about you in a way I hope a woman will be for me one day. She can cook her ass off...and one day, will make the best wife and mother ever---and, if there is a God, who is as merciful as they say, it won't be for you. No hard feelings man, she's forgiven you and wishes you well. Me, though---man, I hope we never meet...
Now, in all seriousness...
One of the reasons why I keep in touch with this guy and another like him is because when I was going through a particularly tough time with the ex with whom I am not speaking and I wanted to know what I had done wrong while dating them---they were honest. They told me how I nagged and was too much with the phone calls...and how I tried to control everything. They also told me that they loved how they could make mistakes and not feel persecuted for it---that I could forgive and try to forget. They also told me to dial back the niceness, something I haven't been able to do, but I'm a work in process. The ex with whom I am not speaking, he didn't have anything to say, save the cliche' "nothing, it was mostly my fault"...and everyone knows its never one person's fault. He didn't help me grow as a person, too afraid to hurt my feelings I guess---but since I can't trust him to be honest, we no longer speak and I'm ok with that.
In everything that I've ever been through with love, or something like it, I have tried to learn from my mistakes. In some cases I am able to take something new away and grow---in others, like with the niceness, I am not as successful. Hey, I'm human. Looking back on the past 12 years of my life...most of which I spent entangled in situations that ended badly and could have jaded my view on every relationship I could have in the future---I see a lot of good decisions and a lot of bad ones. But at every moment, I had a choice. So now, like then I have a choice---a choice to try again or wallow in something that wasn't good for me in the first place. And while my past is indicative of my un-perfectness and subsequently I've made some bad choices...I know I've made the right choice this time. Every heartbreak is a chance to make a better choice than the one you made before...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Game. Set. Match.
Flag thrown. Strike 1, 2, and 3. Error. Illegal substitution. Too many players on the field. No harm, no foul---oh, there's harm. You're catching a technical for this and being thrown out of the game...
The game has been changed...new play book and everything. It's like I've been cut from the team and didn't find out until I showed up for practice.
I guess that's what this was, huh...practice... Well, I've heard it said that practice makes perfect but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than practice to make perfect out of *you*.
It's safe to say that I've been scorned. hurt. abandoned. heart broken. used. misjudged. Really, you could take a thesaurus and look up each of those words and the synonyms would be appropriate descriptions of my current state. I think it takes a lot to get me to this point...and what a journey it was.
There's a lot about where I am that is upsetting. There were a lot of investments made, in both time and money and emotion. The thing about investments, is that you don't always get the expected return...its a risk you take putting any part of anything into something...a risk that you may not get that part back. But, its not that I was left empty handed. No. My hands are full...with regret. I hate that I spent to much of myself on a person who treated me and acted like I was common...but more so that I allowed it to happen. I am the only person who can keep my heart safe and I have fallen down on the job more times than I care to count...and each time, it gets harder to accept my burden of responsibility for being in this place... I'm more likely to forgive the offender than myself.
I can't call the end of this...or even right now. I don't know what I know...all I know is what I don't know...
I mean, you think you know someone...but when you realize you don't the person you learn the most about is yourself...
The game has been changed...new play book and everything. It's like I've been cut from the team and didn't find out until I showed up for practice.
I guess that's what this was, huh...practice... Well, I've heard it said that practice makes perfect but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than practice to make perfect out of *you*.
It's safe to say that I've been scorned. hurt. abandoned. heart broken. used. misjudged. Really, you could take a thesaurus and look up each of those words and the synonyms would be appropriate descriptions of my current state. I think it takes a lot to get me to this point...and what a journey it was.
There's a lot about where I am that is upsetting. There were a lot of investments made, in both time and money and emotion. The thing about investments, is that you don't always get the expected return...its a risk you take putting any part of anything into something...a risk that you may not get that part back. But, its not that I was left empty handed. No. My hands are full...with regret. I hate that I spent to much of myself on a person who treated me and acted like I was common...but more so that I allowed it to happen. I am the only person who can keep my heart safe and I have fallen down on the job more times than I care to count...and each time, it gets harder to accept my burden of responsibility for being in this place... I'm more likely to forgive the offender than myself.
I can't call the end of this...or even right now. I don't know what I know...all I know is what I don't know...
I mean, you think you know someone...but when you realize you don't the person you learn the most about is yourself...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Illfitting...
Writing is cathartic. If you don't know what that means 1 of 2 things has occurred, 1) you have stumbled upon this page after Googling "wit" searching for its meaning or 2) you're really, really dumb. In either case, I will help you out because I am having a particularly good moment---it means "cleansing".
I have a lot to come clean about.
I have been up to a lot. None of it is worth mentioning. Alas, that is the life of the 20-something. The good news (or bad news) is that I leave the 20-somethings this year and become a 30-something. If I hear one more person say "30 is the new 20" I am going to scream. It reminds me of other cliche' phrases...like, "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". What-the-fuck-ever. I realize that those phrases are born partly out of truth and partly out of necessity...but the other part (because there are 3 sides to everything) is pure, unadulterated bullshit. Yes, I said it. I am guilty is using a similar phrase a time or two...but I really hate doing so. I think people get pleasure in saying "30 is the new 20"...mostly because it reminds them that they are not the only ones getting older...and for a moment they hope they can suck you into believing that your 30's will be far better than your 20's---and all the things you'd hoped for in your youth will be made possible suddenly by turning 30.
Bull.shit.
I mean, I do hope turning 30 is good for me. I hope lots of really good things come about for me and the people I love...and even the people I don't love so much...and maybe even the people who love me and I don't love them back. But, for now, I think it's ok for me to loathe the thought of being 30...let me wallow.
I should go...maybe short bursts will leave me more material for writing. But, in closing...here's this...
"for those who ever wondered if they would see the sun up, just remember when you come up, the show goes on..."
I have a lot to come clean about.
I have been up to a lot. None of it is worth mentioning. Alas, that is the life of the 20-something. The good news (or bad news) is that I leave the 20-somethings this year and become a 30-something. If I hear one more person say "30 is the new 20" I am going to scream. It reminds me of other cliche' phrases...like, "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". What-the-fuck-ever. I realize that those phrases are born partly out of truth and partly out of necessity...but the other part (because there are 3 sides to everything) is pure, unadulterated bullshit. Yes, I said it. I am guilty is using a similar phrase a time or two...but I really hate doing so. I think people get pleasure in saying "30 is the new 20"...mostly because it reminds them that they are not the only ones getting older...and for a moment they hope they can suck you into believing that your 30's will be far better than your 20's---and all the things you'd hoped for in your youth will be made possible suddenly by turning 30.
Bull.shit.
I mean, I do hope turning 30 is good for me. I hope lots of really good things come about for me and the people I love...and even the people I don't love so much...and maybe even the people who love me and I don't love them back. But, for now, I think it's ok for me to loathe the thought of being 30...let me wallow.
I should go...maybe short bursts will leave me more material for writing. But, in closing...here's this...
"for those who ever wondered if they would see the sun up, just remember when you come up, the show goes on..."
Friday, August 20, 2010
Serenity Prayer...
Dear God, I ask that you grant my ex-boyfriends the serenity to accept that I really don't want to talk to them, the courage to step away from the phone when they feel the need to contact me and the wisdom to know that I really meant everything I said when we parted ways. Amen.
Yes, I've been gone for quite some time... No need for re-introductions. I am still the same smart-mouthed, witty, sarcastic, sensitive, sweet and intelligent femme that I was many, many, many (ok, darn near forever) ago when I penned my last post.
To be honest, I stopped posting because I knew 2 things were happening: 1) my ex was likely still reading my blog and staying up to date on all the happenings of my life even though he should have no interest in doing so and 2) I was becoming a little bitter about reason #1. But, through some venting and a little therapy (albeit some it retail) I have worked through my issues with that boy...and now I figure, whosoever will, let...free blog posts for all...
Hmmmm, I guess I should catch you up on a few things: I'm turning 29 soon (I have mixed feelings about that...), I'm still in the same place as before (but, I will be talking about that less because people have a tendency to read and overshare (which, if you're one of those people considering doing that, it's probably not a good idea...), still dealing with the same guy as before (this a do as I say not as a do blog...), and living life while trying to find my place in it. Myself, I've found. Everything else, not so much.
Speaking of the same guy as before---he's still the same. I try not to think about him as much or get wrapped up in that as much, but let it suffice to say that I am not as much head over heels as before. I like to consider myself standing up straight and walking into the messes I get myself into. I have learned to pick my battles and to stop digging for dirt even when left with a shovel. I can't say I've gotten any less dirty in so, but I've managed to keep my nails clean at least. Even though romantically I am not where I'd like to be, I can at least define, for myself---without needing anyone else to, where I am. And, if you know anything about me at all, you know that is progress...
So, because I have things to do (I am an adult, after all), I leave you with this...
If you have to ask yourself, "is she talking about me..." , its not you...just someone like you, *exactly* like you even...
Yes, I've been gone for quite some time... No need for re-introductions. I am still the same smart-mouthed, witty, sarcastic, sensitive, sweet and intelligent femme that I was many, many, many (ok, darn near forever) ago when I penned my last post.
To be honest, I stopped posting because I knew 2 things were happening: 1) my ex was likely still reading my blog and staying up to date on all the happenings of my life even though he should have no interest in doing so and 2) I was becoming a little bitter about reason #1. But, through some venting and a little therapy (albeit some it retail) I have worked through my issues with that boy...and now I figure, whosoever will, let...free blog posts for all...
Hmmmm, I guess I should catch you up on a few things: I'm turning 29 soon (I have mixed feelings about that...), I'm still in the same place as before (but, I will be talking about that less because people have a tendency to read and overshare (which, if you're one of those people considering doing that, it's probably not a good idea...), still dealing with the same guy as before (this a do as I say not as a do blog...), and living life while trying to find my place in it. Myself, I've found. Everything else, not so much.
Speaking of the same guy as before---he's still the same. I try not to think about him as much or get wrapped up in that as much, but let it suffice to say that I am not as much head over heels as before. I like to consider myself standing up straight and walking into the messes I get myself into. I have learned to pick my battles and to stop digging for dirt even when left with a shovel. I can't say I've gotten any less dirty in so, but I've managed to keep my nails clean at least. Even though romantically I am not where I'd like to be, I can at least define, for myself---without needing anyone else to, where I am. And, if you know anything about me at all, you know that is progress...
So, because I have things to do (I am an adult, after all), I leave you with this...
If you have to ask yourself, "is she talking about me..." , its not you...just someone like you, *exactly* like you even...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Not nice...
My Grandma says that I don't have anything nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all. Luckily for me she doesn't have the Internet, much less know what a blog is...
One thing I *hate* is when you say something mean or hurtful or appalling and people say, "you don't mean that...". How do *you* know??? I do not say things that I do not mean. If I say I hate you, it's true. No, I'm not mean. No, I won't feel like it's my fault if something happens after I say that. No, I'm not going to the funeral. All I did was say something that I've already thought---and trust me, you think them too. And yes, I'm judging you because you don't say them.
So, just so we are clear...everything I say after this point is something I definitely mean...
Fuck you. Yes, you. And you if you have a problem with that
One thing I *hate* is when you say something mean or hurtful or appalling and people say, "you don't mean that...". How do *you* know??? I do not say things that I do not mean. If I say I hate you, it's true. No, I'm not mean. No, I won't feel like it's my fault if something happens after I say that. No, I'm not going to the funeral. All I did was say something that I've already thought---and trust me, you think them too. And yes, I'm judging you because you don't say them.
So, just so we are clear...everything I say after this point is something I definitely mean...
Fuck you. Yes, you. And you if you have a problem with that
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Take off...
I know your parents used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted. Right now, I want you to be gone...
I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm mean. I'm not mean spirited or coldhearted. It's more like I'm really not nice. There are 2 kinds of people: people I like and everyone else. Once I like you, you're in. But if I don't like you, or if I like you and then stop liking you... Well, you know how they say the grass is greener on the other side? No only is it not greener on the side of "everyone else", but there's no grass at all. Just a bunch of lames. fronts. skeezers and scandalous stunts.
I don't enjoy being mean. I just feel driven to it by the behaviors of those around me. I mean, don't I look like I don't play??? I practically have "GO AWAY" in big bold letters on the doormat of my personality. Seriously. If I want to talk to you I will let you know. We can even develop a signal...a code if you will. If (not when) I want to talk to you I will start talking to you first. Unless I initiate conversation then the signal has not been given and we should not be engaging in conversation.
I'm making a list. Not my list to Santa (which, I'm far too grown to be writing but, if I did at the very top of my list would be a request for a better boy than the one he left me last year...and should he feel the need to re-gift this same boy to me this year, could be please make sure the modifications stick this time...and that the refurbished model is as functional as a new one would be...) but a more in depth list. Have you seen Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married"??? The movie---not the play. I'm sure the play is similar to the movie but for the sake of what I'm about to say it's the movie version that is most relevant. There's a part in there where the wife of the chick married to the doctor makes a list of all the good her man has ever done and all the bad he has ever done. If the bad outweighs the good then she should let him go...but if the good outweighs the bad then she go back to him and make it work. That's the list I'm making...
I will let you know how it comes out...
...you did me dirty but I ain't mad at all. bottom line, I hope you find what you searching for...
I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm mean. I'm not mean spirited or coldhearted. It's more like I'm really not nice. There are 2 kinds of people: people I like and everyone else. Once I like you, you're in. But if I don't like you, or if I like you and then stop liking you... Well, you know how they say the grass is greener on the other side? No only is it not greener on the side of "everyone else", but there's no grass at all. Just a bunch of lames. fronts. skeezers and scandalous stunts.
I don't enjoy being mean. I just feel driven to it by the behaviors of those around me. I mean, don't I look like I don't play??? I practically have "GO AWAY" in big bold letters on the doormat of my personality. Seriously. If I want to talk to you I will let you know. We can even develop a signal...a code if you will. If (not when) I want to talk to you I will start talking to you first. Unless I initiate conversation then the signal has not been given and we should not be engaging in conversation.
I'm making a list. Not my list to Santa (which, I'm far too grown to be writing but, if I did at the very top of my list would be a request for a better boy than the one he left me last year...and should he feel the need to re-gift this same boy to me this year, could be please make sure the modifications stick this time...and that the refurbished model is as functional as a new one would be...) but a more in depth list. Have you seen Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married"??? The movie---not the play. I'm sure the play is similar to the movie but for the sake of what I'm about to say it's the movie version that is most relevant. There's a part in there where the wife of the chick married to the doctor makes a list of all the good her man has ever done and all the bad he has ever done. If the bad outweighs the good then she should let him go...but if the good outweighs the bad then she go back to him and make it work. That's the list I'm making...
I will let you know how it comes out...
...you did me dirty but I ain't mad at all. bottom line, I hope you find what you searching for...
Friday, December 18, 2009
I'm back...again
I've been gone for a minute, but I'm back now. I've tried a couple different ways to bring you up to speed, but everything keeps getting lost in translation.
a few things-detailing the details of the past 8 months.
1) Grandma had a stroke. Shocking as it was in the moment it was less severe than it seems in those seconds that pass slow like hours. She is all better now...sassy as ever.
2) I had a mole removed. 4 actually. 1 was more problematic than I had anticipated. 36 stitches, 4 days in bed and 4 months later I'm not out of the woods yet. 2 more moles. 1 surgery. I will let you know how it goes.
3) I still hate my job. Yes, both of them. I acquired a 3rd. Teaching. Now that, I love.
4) He's still around. I thought there would be an exit stage left after May, but not so much. This summer and the months since have been harder on me than I'm willing to admit to anyone (except my therapist) or anything (except this blog). I hate that I love him. And because it's an unrequited love if there ever were one, I'm going to end up hating him before the curtain closes.
5) When God closes a door, he opens a window. My window is more like an awesome set of french doors that have me doubled over in laughter daily. I never thought I'd meet another person as awesome as me...and then I did.
6) Despite the aforementioned, I don't talk to God very often anymore. I am sad about this but not so sad that I'm doing anything about it. I'm working on accepting that the very love that should never hurt causes more pain than I know what to do with.
7) As far as I know my ex is still married. I haven't talked to him in over 4 months and I must say, I don't miss him...but I thought I would. I hoped that the change in action would be backed by changes in the person behind the action. Not so much...
7 a) Step away from the facebook message box. and the Blackberry Messenger. I do not want to talk to you. Maybe ever. But definitely not now.
8) My hair is still short. Despite all requests for it not to be it-it will remain that way...at least for the foreseeable future
9) I have not acquired any new tattoos. I want one, 2 actually but haven't been able to find exactly what I want and I'm not in love with the freestyle work I've seen lately. So, I will keep looking.
10) Best friends are those that stick with you in the middle of the storm and are willing to share their umbrella. You have some people who will be with you in the rain, but aren't willing to get a little wet to see you stay a little dry...
a few things-detailing the details of the past 8 months.
1) Grandma had a stroke. Shocking as it was in the moment it was less severe than it seems in those seconds that pass slow like hours. She is all better now...sassy as ever.
2) I had a mole removed. 4 actually. 1 was more problematic than I had anticipated. 36 stitches, 4 days in bed and 4 months later I'm not out of the woods yet. 2 more moles. 1 surgery. I will let you know how it goes.
3) I still hate my job. Yes, both of them. I acquired a 3rd. Teaching. Now that, I love.
4) He's still around. I thought there would be an exit stage left after May, but not so much. This summer and the months since have been harder on me than I'm willing to admit to anyone (except my therapist) or anything (except this blog). I hate that I love him. And because it's an unrequited love if there ever were one, I'm going to end up hating him before the curtain closes.
5) When God closes a door, he opens a window. My window is more like an awesome set of french doors that have me doubled over in laughter daily. I never thought I'd meet another person as awesome as me...and then I did.
6) Despite the aforementioned, I don't talk to God very often anymore. I am sad about this but not so sad that I'm doing anything about it. I'm working on accepting that the very love that should never hurt causes more pain than I know what to do with.
7) As far as I know my ex is still married. I haven't talked to him in over 4 months and I must say, I don't miss him...but I thought I would. I hoped that the change in action would be backed by changes in the person behind the action. Not so much...
7 a) Step away from the facebook message box. and the Blackberry Messenger. I do not want to talk to you. Maybe ever. But definitely not now.
8) My hair is still short. Despite all requests for it not to be it-it will remain that way...at least for the foreseeable future
9) I have not acquired any new tattoos. I want one, 2 actually but haven't been able to find exactly what I want and I'm not in love with the freestyle work I've seen lately. So, I will keep looking.
10) Best friends are those that stick with you in the middle of the storm and are willing to share their umbrella. You have some people who will be with you in the rain, but aren't willing to get a little wet to see you stay a little dry...
like a boy...
It's like this
I like a boy. I liked this boy. And then one day I discovered I might even love this boy.
But the last boy broke a soft heart and made it hard for this boy.
So I act hard so he won't think I'm soft.
Those other boys, those past boys took me to school and taught me well.
The lessons were hard...some hurt and some cut me and some made me bleed.
But those boys, those past boys taught me to dust off, get up...get back in the game.
Turns out, they didn't teach me anything I really needed to know.
Everything I need to know, it's true-I learned in kindergarten.
Except how to share. I overshare. So it's less like sharing and more like giving...my whole heart away.
My girls taught me how to be slick. be cute. be sly. taught me how to lie...like a boy.
They make sure I always keep a spare. Another boy, in case the boy I like decides he doesn't like me.
I think like a boy. I like this boy. Liked this boy. Loved this boy. Until he acted just like a boy...
Forgot that girls have hearts too.
Like most boys, this boy and his boys run round like boys, chasing skirts.
Tossing change to girls who have mastered thinking like boys.
That's a boy hustle with girl swag.
So, there's this other boy. I don't like this boy...but he likes me.
It passes the time.
This boy, like most boys, doesn't care about that boy. And then, I don't either.
I liked this boy. Could have been a wife to this boy.
But like a boy I didn't see far enough ahead.
You see, I think like a boy...but I hurt just. like. a girl...
I like a boy. I liked this boy. And then one day I discovered I might even love this boy.
But the last boy broke a soft heart and made it hard for this boy.
So I act hard so he won't think I'm soft.
Those other boys, those past boys took me to school and taught me well.
The lessons were hard...some hurt and some cut me and some made me bleed.
But those boys, those past boys taught me to dust off, get up...get back in the game.
Turns out, they didn't teach me anything I really needed to know.
Everything I need to know, it's true-I learned in kindergarten.
Except how to share. I overshare. So it's less like sharing and more like giving...my whole heart away.
My girls taught me how to be slick. be cute. be sly. taught me how to lie...like a boy.
They make sure I always keep a spare. Another boy, in case the boy I like decides he doesn't like me.
I think like a boy. I like this boy. Liked this boy. Loved this boy. Until he acted just like a boy...
Forgot that girls have hearts too.
Like most boys, this boy and his boys run round like boys, chasing skirts.
Tossing change to girls who have mastered thinking like boys.
That's a boy hustle with girl swag.
So, there's this other boy. I don't like this boy...but he likes me.
It passes the time.
This boy, like most boys, doesn't care about that boy. And then, I don't either.
I liked this boy. Could have been a wife to this boy.
But like a boy I didn't see far enough ahead.
You see, I think like a boy...but I hurt just. like. a girl...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
What happens in the dark...
...will eventually show up in the mini feed.
What do I look like...captain save a relationship??? You gotta be kidding me...
So, my ex is married. Congrats. So thrilled for the both of them...really. While I don't necessarily agree with his decision I am actually happy for him. Finding the person that you are meant to be with is one of God's greatest blessings...and I can't hate on anyone for feeling as if they have found that. I don't agree with the decision for a multitude of reasons...none of which are the standard, "he should be with me". Those reasons are more along the line of "that's not what I would have done..." So, he's married and I'm happy that he's happy. yay. Really.
We still talk...*gasp*. Not so frequently as to create a problem but enough that I still consider him my friend. And if he were not married he'd be my best friend. The fact that he's married really throws the whole best friend thing for a loop because I can imagine that it would annoy his spouse that I can finish his sentences and that he knows I'm about to say something well before I actually have the words formulated in my head. Scary...
We are friends and apparently, this is a problem. Not for me...and I'm sure not for him...but for every.one.else. According to the masses I'm "disrespecting their marriage", "entertaining his feelings for me" and "causing problems". wow. Now, normally I don't care what anyone else thinks. And to be honest, this is not really an exception. But I must explain because I'm tired of people judging me. don't.judge.me. It's not a good look for anyone.
I do not love him. At all. Anymore. Not even a little. He will always have a very special place in my heart and my life because of all the time we've known each other. We stood by each other and loved each other through 6...almost 7 years. I can't imagine what life would be like if I couldn't ever talk to him or couldn't share in the moments in his life that make him happy...and he share in mine. If I wanted to complicate his marriage...or the relationship that led to the nuptials, I'd have done so. And please trust that I wouldn't be plotting and planning here in SC when he's 7+ hours away. What kind of sense does that make??? Furthermore, that's not who I am... I am however the type of person who refuses to cut off my nose to spite my face...and ending a friendship with someone who knows me as well as I know myself (better in some cases) would hurt far more than ending the actual relationship ever did.
Someone posed the question, "how would you feel if you were her..." and the answer to that question is "not as smart as the (awesome) femme who pens this blog..." . Seriously. If I were her, there's a whole lot about this situation that would different. That aside, I'd feel like this..."..." I don't care. I'm not like a lot of people. I'm not like a lot of females. Women get all bent out of shape when another female intrudes on their "man space". It becomes a battle of wills...lots of name calling and being bitter. All because he wanted to have a friend that had a vagina...and you, as the woman in his life is mad because you think what he's interested in is the vagina...and in all actuality...he's interested in having someone else to talk to besides...well, you. Granted, when I was younger, I fell into that category. Now, not so much. Go. Talk. Make friends. Do whatever it takes to get you off my (very comfy) sofa where you sit and stare at me like I'm the most awesome thing ever created (I might be, but please, go somewhere). I'm all about whomever I'm dating (married to should that occur one day) having friends. Whatever the sex. Because I've learned...the hard way...that you can't s top a boy from letting his penis wander. So, while she may fear that a) I want her husband and b) he wants me back... I'd like to say that c) none of that is true...and d) if you didn't know that already-you might want to rethink the vows. I'm just sayin'...
Enough with the "..."
Now.. I'll admit that I have no idea where he stands in the emotions area. But I would like say that in all his shortcomings The Ex has never been the type of guy to take marriage anything less than very serious. He's a good person. I'm sure he is an excellent husband. And I'm also sure that even if he did carry a torch for me he wouldn't have married her...and if he did, that's his bad...but that has nothing to do with me. Can't help it that I'm amazing. And...if all of that hasn't cleared up the "why are you still talking to him" issue...I leave you this: he is far more entertaining than the rest of you...and since when did Blackberry Messenger count as talking???...and why are you all in my business???...you want to pay the cellular bill???...it's due by the 10th and late after the 15th.
I want people to re-think what they post on Facebook. If you can't stop the virtual spewing of feelings and posting of pictures and new relationships then I ask that you change your privacy settings such that everything you get into does not show up on my mini feed. If you want to treat me like I don't know...then create a situation where I will actually not know. And, truthfully...Facebook is not that serious and I could honestly care less. It's just that it's in poor taste to behave in the way people do...and then act all different later like...it's not all online in e'rbody's mini feed. As classy as I keep it, it would be in poor taste for me not to let you know. If you plan to run game...keep your game tight...
In other news...
There isn't any. Keep it movin'
What do I look like...captain save a relationship??? You gotta be kidding me...
So, my ex is married. Congrats. So thrilled for the both of them...really. While I don't necessarily agree with his decision I am actually happy for him. Finding the person that you are meant to be with is one of God's greatest blessings...and I can't hate on anyone for feeling as if they have found that. I don't agree with the decision for a multitude of reasons...none of which are the standard, "he should be with me". Those reasons are more along the line of "that's not what I would have done..." So, he's married and I'm happy that he's happy. yay. Really.
We still talk...*gasp*. Not so frequently as to create a problem but enough that I still consider him my friend. And if he were not married he'd be my best friend. The fact that he's married really throws the whole best friend thing for a loop because I can imagine that it would annoy his spouse that I can finish his sentences and that he knows I'm about to say something well before I actually have the words formulated in my head. Scary...
We are friends and apparently, this is a problem. Not for me...and I'm sure not for him...but for every.one.else. According to the masses I'm "disrespecting their marriage", "entertaining his feelings for me" and "causing problems". wow. Now, normally I don't care what anyone else thinks. And to be honest, this is not really an exception. But I must explain because I'm tired of people judging me. don't.judge.me. It's not a good look for anyone.
I do not love him. At all. Anymore. Not even a little. He will always have a very special place in my heart and my life because of all the time we've known each other. We stood by each other and loved each other through 6...almost 7 years. I can't imagine what life would be like if I couldn't ever talk to him or couldn't share in the moments in his life that make him happy...and he share in mine. If I wanted to complicate his marriage...or the relationship that led to the nuptials, I'd have done so. And please trust that I wouldn't be plotting and planning here in SC when he's 7+ hours away. What kind of sense does that make??? Furthermore, that's not who I am... I am however the type of person who refuses to cut off my nose to spite my face...and ending a friendship with someone who knows me as well as I know myself (better in some cases) would hurt far more than ending the actual relationship ever did.
Someone posed the question, "how would you feel if you were her..." and the answer to that question is "not as smart as the (awesome) femme who pens this blog..." . Seriously. If I were her, there's a whole lot about this situation that would different. That aside, I'd feel like this..."..." I don't care. I'm not like a lot of people. I'm not like a lot of females. Women get all bent out of shape when another female intrudes on their "man space". It becomes a battle of wills...lots of name calling and being bitter. All because he wanted to have a friend that had a vagina...and you, as the woman in his life is mad because you think what he's interested in is the vagina...and in all actuality...he's interested in having someone else to talk to besides...well, you. Granted, when I was younger, I fell into that category. Now, not so much. Go. Talk. Make friends. Do whatever it takes to get you off my (very comfy) sofa where you sit and stare at me like I'm the most awesome thing ever created (I might be, but please, go somewhere). I'm all about whomever I'm dating (married to should that occur one day) having friends. Whatever the sex. Because I've learned...the hard way...that you can't s top a boy from letting his penis wander. So, while she may fear that a) I want her husband and b) he wants me back... I'd like to say that c) none of that is true...and d) if you didn't know that already-you might want to rethink the vows. I'm just sayin'...
Enough with the "..."
Now.. I'll admit that I have no idea where he stands in the emotions area. But I would like say that in all his shortcomings The Ex has never been the type of guy to take marriage anything less than very serious. He's a good person. I'm sure he is an excellent husband. And I'm also sure that even if he did carry a torch for me he wouldn't have married her...and if he did, that's his bad...but that has nothing to do with me. Can't help it that I'm amazing. And...if all of that hasn't cleared up the "why are you still talking to him" issue...I leave you this: he is far more entertaining than the rest of you...and since when did Blackberry Messenger count as talking???...and why are you all in my business???...you want to pay the cellular bill???...it's due by the 10th and late after the 15th.
I want people to re-think what they post on Facebook. If you can't stop the virtual spewing of feelings and posting of pictures and new relationships then I ask that you change your privacy settings such that everything you get into does not show up on my mini feed. If you want to treat me like I don't know...then create a situation where I will actually not know. And, truthfully...Facebook is not that serious and I could honestly care less. It's just that it's in poor taste to behave in the way people do...and then act all different later like...it's not all online in e'rbody's mini feed. As classy as I keep it, it would be in poor taste for me not to let you know. If you plan to run game...keep your game tight...
In other news...
There isn't any. Keep it movin'
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Man up...
Seriously.
I'm not quite sure why I waited over an hour for my little brother to come and change my flat tire (and take it to get it repaired) while a (seemingly) perfectly good and able bodied guy was sitting, like...right there. In the moment, I think I was too irritated with Honda's and State Farm's lack of concern for my deflated tire...and so it didn't dawn on me that the person with whom I'd dined could have at least offered. Now, I'm as independent as they come and as such I am completely capable of changing my own tire. I just...won't. And in that moment, heels and nice jeans be damned, I would have jacked Juan Carlos up and changed his socks and shoes...but I didn't want to shame the guy...and had he attempted to help after not helping before, I'd have had to make him walk back to where he came from...
*news flash...it appears that the aforementioned person is off the market. I'm totally crying a river over this one... and by totally I mean not...* and the importance of that notification is made even more clear by the fact I typed in it all lower case...well, except for the "I"...because those refer to Me...and no matter what, I'm always important...even if the thing I'm speaking of is not... moving on...
Let's see...what's new???
Only a couple more weeks until the end of the semester. This bittersweet. Sweet because who doesn't love summer vacay...and bitter because well, I'll be taking classes (finishing up thesis and taking anatomy) and because all my favs will be leaving me :( I never thought I'd love this many more people. It's hard to imagine life without seeing these people all the time like I do now. And yes, we are all moving in to bigger and better things...but that doesn't mean that I'll miss them any less.
I'm also back to 2-a-days in the gym. Not excited about those. I'm SO sick of seeing myself all plump in these pictures people keep posting on Facebook. I am not plump...but the camera adds 10 pounds, which is exactly why I keep insisting that people not take photos. And furthermore if they must take the pictures why do they have to tag them??? Its one thing for you to have a memento of the moment post lunch when I was not at my thinnest moment of the day...another thing entirely for you to post that pic online and tag it so that everyone and their momma can see it. So, I figure if I want to look my real weight in pictures then I have to lose like 10...15 more pounds. I have no idea where this weight will come from...especially since my trainer has explained to me (at length) that I really only have about 5 more pounds that I can lose and maintain. Whatev...
I guess I should at least look like I'm working. So, here goes...
Have a good one...no really, I mean it.
I'm not quite sure why I waited over an hour for my little brother to come and change my flat tire (and take it to get it repaired) while a (seemingly) perfectly good and able bodied guy was sitting, like...right there. In the moment, I think I was too irritated with Honda's and State Farm's lack of concern for my deflated tire...and so it didn't dawn on me that the person with whom I'd dined could have at least offered. Now, I'm as independent as they come and as such I am completely capable of changing my own tire. I just...won't. And in that moment, heels and nice jeans be damned, I would have jacked Juan Carlos up and changed his socks and shoes...but I didn't want to shame the guy...and had he attempted to help after not helping before, I'd have had to make him walk back to where he came from...
*news flash...it appears that the aforementioned person is off the market. I'm totally crying a river over this one... and by totally I mean not...* and the importance of that notification is made even more clear by the fact I typed in it all lower case...well, except for the "I"...because those refer to Me...and no matter what, I'm always important...even if the thing I'm speaking of is not... moving on...
Let's see...what's new???
Only a couple more weeks until the end of the semester. This bittersweet. Sweet because who doesn't love summer vacay...and bitter because well, I'll be taking classes (finishing up thesis and taking anatomy) and because all my favs will be leaving me :( I never thought I'd love this many more people. It's hard to imagine life without seeing these people all the time like I do now. And yes, we are all moving in to bigger and better things...but that doesn't mean that I'll miss them any less.
I'm also back to 2-a-days in the gym. Not excited about those. I'm SO sick of seeing myself all plump in these pictures people keep posting on Facebook. I am not plump...but the camera adds 10 pounds, which is exactly why I keep insisting that people not take photos. And furthermore if they must take the pictures why do they have to tag them??? Its one thing for you to have a memento of the moment post lunch when I was not at my thinnest moment of the day...another thing entirely for you to post that pic online and tag it so that everyone and their momma can see it. So, I figure if I want to look my real weight in pictures then I have to lose like 10...15 more pounds. I have no idea where this weight will come from...especially since my trainer has explained to me (at length) that I really only have about 5 more pounds that I can lose and maintain. Whatev...
I guess I should at least look like I'm working. So, here goes...
Have a good one...no really, I mean it.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I Put On...
***This week in history the #1 song---none other than "Bust a Move" by Young MC...download your piece of history today***
Go play somewhere I'm busy...
Any ideas on the best way to tell someone, "hey, you've f'ed up...now, go away..." without, you know, sounding all mean and whatnot...
I'm still on the relationship rant.
Why is it that it's females (I would have said women, but that's a topic that should be saved for another day...) that are expected to be the ones to be emotionally resilient??? To have hearts that are covered in fortitude??? To experience treatment that is beyond cruel and still smile and accept your best (but still lame...) efforts at "game"???
Granted, guys have their hearts broken too. I know some guys who have been through some pretty tough and tight spots with females...and my heart goes out to them. But this is not about them...
I think the issue is that since females are the more emotional sex then we are expected to be "willing"...for lack of a better word...to put ourselves out there in the name of love. And because guys are the more non-emotional sex then it's a bigger deal for them to step out on the emotional ledge. And therefore women should be appreciative of their emotional efforts. Can I step out on a ledge and say...bullshit??? Well, I mean...it is, bullshit. Just because mean don't love as often or as hard does not mean that we have to treat each effort at opening up like a lunar eclipse.
Am I happy for you that you opened up. Of course... But that does not mean that you get a steak and a blow job for doing so. In a relationship you are supposed to open up to your significant other. That's a lot of what he/she is there for...for you to talk to, be supported by...encouraged by. If you don't let them in-they will be out (obviously)...and you know what happens when you leave something valuable outside??? Someone else will come a long and scoop it up. So, fellas...tell your girl (or guy if that's how you get down) what you're feeling. It's ok. Really. And some, ahem, females, need to take that advice too. What's so wrong with opening up and being vulnerable??? Oh, You're afraid you'll be hurt... Well, that's understandable. I'm not advocating opening yourself up all willy nilly to very Tom, Dick and Sally that is available. I am however asking that you use your good judgement. If this person has shown him/her-self as a good person...take a risk. It will pay off...
Go play somewhere I'm busy...
Any ideas on the best way to tell someone, "hey, you've f'ed up...now, go away..." without, you know, sounding all mean and whatnot...
I'm still on the relationship rant.
Why is it that it's females (I would have said women, but that's a topic that should be saved for another day...) that are expected to be the ones to be emotionally resilient??? To have hearts that are covered in fortitude??? To experience treatment that is beyond cruel and still smile and accept your best (but still lame...) efforts at "game"???
Granted, guys have their hearts broken too. I know some guys who have been through some pretty tough and tight spots with females...and my heart goes out to them. But this is not about them...
I think the issue is that since females are the more emotional sex then we are expected to be "willing"...for lack of a better word...to put ourselves out there in the name of love. And because guys are the more non-emotional sex then it's a bigger deal for them to step out on the emotional ledge. And therefore women should be appreciative of their emotional efforts. Can I step out on a ledge and say...bullshit??? Well, I mean...it is, bullshit. Just because mean don't love as often or as hard does not mean that we have to treat each effort at opening up like a lunar eclipse.
Am I happy for you that you opened up. Of course... But that does not mean that you get a steak and a blow job for doing so. In a relationship you are supposed to open up to your significant other. That's a lot of what he/she is there for...for you to talk to, be supported by...encouraged by. If you don't let them in-they will be out (obviously)...and you know what happens when you leave something valuable outside??? Someone else will come a long and scoop it up. So, fellas...tell your girl (or guy if that's how you get down) what you're feeling. It's ok. Really. And some, ahem, females, need to take that advice too. What's so wrong with opening up and being vulnerable??? Oh, You're afraid you'll be hurt... Well, that's understandable. I'm not advocating opening yourself up all willy nilly to very Tom, Dick and Sally that is available. I am however asking that you use your good judgement. If this person has shown him/her-self as a good person...take a risk. It will pay off...
That said let me tell you this...
Women (in general and myself included )care not about who you think we want/need you to be. We care about who you are...and believe that you will be a great person (and are a fantastic person now) when you get where you are going. All we ask is that you allow us to come along for the ride... Not trying to get in your way...just want a bird's eye view of the journey to where you want to be...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I'm sorry...
...that you feel that way. I am not sorry for what I'm about to say... Not for the weak hearted.
I am not perfect. That was tough as all get out to admit, but it's true. But because I'm not perfect it doesn't mean I have to accept whatever it is that you have to offer in the area of "interest". My philosophy is simple, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So, if you are slow to make a move, then you will also be slow to do other things...like take out the trash, take the car to get the oil changed and the like. It bothers me when people get married to guys (or ladies) and are all shocked at their behavior down the road. "I didn't know he was so possessive" or "I didn't know she wasn't going to clean the house". Well, remember when he got upset because you wanted to spend time with your girl who had just lost her momma but it was your anniversary??? or when you got into her car and it looked like a trash can had exploded in it??? See...signs. Signs are so very important. But usually you don't think to read them until they've already been passed.
I'm not that type of person. I have discarded a many of guy who got on my nerves...did something small, but stupid, forgot to call...whatever. Because while I don't expect him to be perfect-if you exhibit behavior that I consider undesirable, on any level, in a future mate, then you need to exit stage left. And, I'll admit that a lot of this has to do with the fact that most of my family has been or is unhappily married...and when they site reasons for their unhappiness, it's about a personality flaw that they should have recognized in their mate well before now. I mean, it's only so long any one can go and hide from anyone who they are. So, if he has the inability to follow through in mailing a graduate school application, I'm unsure that you'll remember to mail the water bill...and I'd hate to come home and discover the water has been turned off...
And I'd like to insert here that not everything is a deal breaker. You just have to be consistent. I'm consistent. So, I expect other people to be the same. If you aren't consistent then you can't be counted on...and I don't know if I can trust you, to pick up a half gallon of milk on the way over...or more importantly with my heart. All I ask is that you exhibit your best behavior up front. Don't lie...but don't act like it's cool to be despondent. Once you're in, you are in. But if you get as far as the front porch and don't act pleased to be there...don't even bothering stepping on the lawn, much less coming up the driveway. If however, I let you past the front door...you're golden.
That said, I have fully accepted the fact that I may end up alone. That's ok...because not everyone is meant to be all coupled up. You are however meant to be happy...and if I gotta ride solo to make that happen, then I have no problem trading in my sedan for a 2-door...because all I need room for is me and my ego...
I am not perfect. That was tough as all get out to admit, but it's true. But because I'm not perfect it doesn't mean I have to accept whatever it is that you have to offer in the area of "interest". My philosophy is simple, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So, if you are slow to make a move, then you will also be slow to do other things...like take out the trash, take the car to get the oil changed and the like. It bothers me when people get married to guys (or ladies) and are all shocked at their behavior down the road. "I didn't know he was so possessive" or "I didn't know she wasn't going to clean the house". Well, remember when he got upset because you wanted to spend time with your girl who had just lost her momma but it was your anniversary??? or when you got into her car and it looked like a trash can had exploded in it??? See...signs. Signs are so very important. But usually you don't think to read them until they've already been passed.
I'm not that type of person. I have discarded a many of guy who got on my nerves...did something small, but stupid, forgot to call...whatever. Because while I don't expect him to be perfect-if you exhibit behavior that I consider undesirable, on any level, in a future mate, then you need to exit stage left. And, I'll admit that a lot of this has to do with the fact that most of my family has been or is unhappily married...and when they site reasons for their unhappiness, it's about a personality flaw that they should have recognized in their mate well before now. I mean, it's only so long any one can go and hide from anyone who they are. So, if he has the inability to follow through in mailing a graduate school application, I'm unsure that you'll remember to mail the water bill...and I'd hate to come home and discover the water has been turned off...
And I'd like to insert here that not everything is a deal breaker. You just have to be consistent. I'm consistent. So, I expect other people to be the same. If you aren't consistent then you can't be counted on...and I don't know if I can trust you, to pick up a half gallon of milk on the way over...or more importantly with my heart. All I ask is that you exhibit your best behavior up front. Don't lie...but don't act like it's cool to be despondent. Once you're in, you are in. But if you get as far as the front porch and don't act pleased to be there...don't even bothering stepping on the lawn, much less coming up the driveway. If however, I let you past the front door...you're golden.
That said, I have fully accepted the fact that I may end up alone. That's ok...because not everyone is meant to be all coupled up. You are however meant to be happy...and if I gotta ride solo to make that happen, then I have no problem trading in my sedan for a 2-door...because all I need room for is me and my ego...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Rockin' that...
Love that song... You might see me do a little more than two step if you happen to catch me out :)
So, what's new???
I wish guys would understand 2 very important things: momentum and what "pre-heat" means... Once you say you like a girl, the work is not over. Here's a new concept...keep.going. If you paid attention in physics class then you should know that momentum is a good thing as long as its a positive flow of energy. Once you lose it, figuratively speaking, its nearly impossible to get it back. So, while she may have liked you 2 weeks ago when you were speaking regularly, maybe not so much when you're been silent (for whatever reason). Out of sight, out of mind. If you want to be all I can see, make sure I don't forget you. If I do, I'm likely to remember alright...remember how great life was without you after all. And, if you pre-heat the oven before you put in the roast, it might actually finish cooking. No one wants a roast that isn't "well done" in the middle...if you get my drift...
I'm better at this than you aren't I???
I've been going back in time with my musical tastes. Downloaded some old school school Destiny's Child, you know, back when there were 4 members and Beyonce had cornrows, and some 112 and Jagged Edge. It's been nice listening to old songs and recalling memories that are forever intertwined with those lyrics. TP2.com, the 2 disc version... Or Ginuwine..."Same Old G"...All the old school Timbaland tracks. I loved that music. I'm seriously considering going to Best Buy buying a dozen CD's that were released circa 2002.
On to other news...
I just spent $60...yes, $60 purchasing a guy at date auction that I can technically see for free. Call me crazy. I did it for 2 reasons. 1) L wanted this particular guy to participate...and he was being non-compliant so I offered and 2) It was SO much fun because no one knew who I was...and so my anonymity added to my personal excitement. I just want to know one thing....how is it that you chicken out @ $61??? I mean, really. Money well spent...but I wish I'd have gotten a receipt for my taxes. And no...I won't actually be going on a date with the guy I purchased. That was for appearances only. I do however hope that he has a great time with whomever he winds up using that date coupon on :)
I just wanna let you know/That I gotta crush on you...
Bye...
So, what's new???
I wish guys would understand 2 very important things: momentum and what "pre-heat" means... Once you say you like a girl, the work is not over. Here's a new concept...keep.going. If you paid attention in physics class then you should know that momentum is a good thing as long as its a positive flow of energy. Once you lose it, figuratively speaking, its nearly impossible to get it back. So, while she may have liked you 2 weeks ago when you were speaking regularly, maybe not so much when you're been silent (for whatever reason). Out of sight, out of mind. If you want to be all I can see, make sure I don't forget you. If I do, I'm likely to remember alright...remember how great life was without you after all. And, if you pre-heat the oven before you put in the roast, it might actually finish cooking. No one wants a roast that isn't "well done" in the middle...if you get my drift...
I'm better at this than you aren't I???
I've been going back in time with my musical tastes. Downloaded some old school school Destiny's Child, you know, back when there were 4 members and Beyonce had cornrows, and some 112 and Jagged Edge. It's been nice listening to old songs and recalling memories that are forever intertwined with those lyrics. TP2.com, the 2 disc version... Or Ginuwine..."Same Old G"...All the old school Timbaland tracks. I loved that music. I'm seriously considering going to Best Buy buying a dozen CD's that were released circa 2002.
On to other news...
I just spent $60...yes, $60 purchasing a guy at date auction that I can technically see for free. Call me crazy. I did it for 2 reasons. 1) L wanted this particular guy to participate...and he was being non-compliant so I offered and 2) It was SO much fun because no one knew who I was...and so my anonymity added to my personal excitement. I just want to know one thing....how is it that you chicken out @ $61??? I mean, really. Money well spent...but I wish I'd have gotten a receipt for my taxes. And no...I won't actually be going on a date with the guy I purchased. That was for appearances only. I do however hope that he has a great time with whomever he winds up using that date coupon on :)
I just wanna let you know/That I gotta crush on you...
Bye...
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