I turned 27 yesterday. Yay!!! 30 is right around the corner. I'm not as afraid of 30 as I was just 2 years ago. Turning 25 felt like a death sentence. I spent most of that day pining over the loss of my early twenties and dreading the impending doom of the years to come. I felt unaccomplished and sad that day. And I must admit, 26 didn't feel that much better. But 27 is a good feeling.
Now, the title of this post may seem a little odd since new year's is still 3.5 months away...but I gave up making new year's resolutions a long time ago. They are much like rules, you know, made to be broken. And so rather than break yet another promise to myself I resolved only to make resolutions when the time felt absolutely appropriate...and that time is now.
So...here they are...in no real order...
*** Keep in touch with my friends... This past week-end I attended my friend (and sorority sister) Kim (and her husband Christoff)'s celebration of their recent nupitals. They were married in Germany in May and threw a similarly large celebration here in the states. AMAZING time. I saw so many people I hadn't seen in ages. My friend Jeanette (my travel partner to DC for the reception) and I hadn't seen each other in nearly 2 years. Facebook posts aren't going to do it anymore. I'm talking post cards and cards on birthdays and actual gift(cards) at Christmas.
*** No more emotionally unavailable boys. Enough said. No more boys that remind me of my ex. I seem to have a type and it's not a good one.
*** Get a better "type"
*** Be nicer. Wait, who am I kidding. I just became a badass. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm going to soften the edge a little. I'll try not and make boys cry...often...as often...
*** 5:30 AM gym time. No exceptions. Not even those calls that come closer to that time than a time that would have been reasonable. Not even hangovers...overnight guests...a big day the next day. Nothing. That's going to be my time. And the only way that works is if I'm there.
*** Listen to music that actually classifies as music in past decades. This means more old school, like Marvin and Tammy and the Supremes...less "Gucci Bandana" and the like.
*** More smiling. It's too cute to keep all to myself. However, just because I smile more doesn't mean I want you to come talk to me...because this will lead to a breaking of the aforementioned resolution of not making boys cry...as often. I'll have to be rude.
*** More real TV. And less reality TV. I watch a good bit of news and so forth now, but I have become a reality TV addict. It's probably because I don't really like people...well, at least the being around them part....and you know, its hard to observe human behavior without actually being around humans. So, as a consequence of my solo-ness I've resorted to watching what passes for appropriate in-public behavior these days on Bravo and MTV and VH1. I'm going to do better...
*** Drink more water...eat less sugar.
*** Lose the last 10 pounds. This is toughie. I don't know what my body wants to hover around a weight that I'm not at all happy with, but it seems to have found a place it likes. Well, it's got to move from that place. NOW.
*** This is huge...grow my hair out. *gasp*. I know...I know. I think I miss it.
*** Find the job. In the location. Sooner rather than later.
*** Post to my blog more. I know you need this folks ;) You people are like fiends for the next dose of the banana humor aren't you???
Later...
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Live Your Life
I have a lot on my mind. Usually this is a good thing but lately my mind has been...cramped...clouded...full to capacity with so many things that I can't sort anything out. I feel as if I've been walking around in a haze. I just wish I knew...you know, what was the most pressing thought. Then I could start with that one and move on the next most important thing...and so on. But no, each thing seems as important and pressing as the next. So here I am, with a head full of thoughts and plan to process them all.
We talked on Friday. About the whole non-committal sitch that is quite possibly the longest faux relationship in the history of faux relationships. How I managed to get myself is beyond me. I'm not that type of girl. Well, I mean clearly at some point I was. But that was then. Now that I'm an official badass (this new haircut I'm sportin' is my license to break b!&$hes...which is what you need, of course, to be a badass) being that girl doesn't fit. So, we talked. And I need to preface everything I'm about to say with this: it wasn't intended to be a convincing talk, as I've long since done away with the idea of commitment, at least for the time being and for the purposes of my current situation. That said, it was an...interesting, yes, interesting and unproductive talk. Not that I expected it to be much else. It did however provide new and entertaining explanations for my list (more on that later). I've all and given up on the idea that one day this will be something more than what it is. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt though. Because it does. It's hard to see and think and feel the way I do and not be able to let that out. It's even more difficult to accept that I'm the person to blame for letting this go on this far and for letting myself feel as I do. I wish I could blame the other party for at least some of this, but the honest truth is I can't. It's all my fault. I've failed at the only thing I really needed to not fail at...especially at this point in my life...which is keeping my heart safe. No one will ever do as good of a job as I can or will at keeping this battered little heart safe and protected. It's taken quite a few beatings, more than should ever be experienced by any heart...let alone one that gives so much more than it will ever get back. It loves in a self-inflicted trauma unit. Each bruise taking it closer and closer to the edge, only to be resuscitated and brought back to suffer though more of life's bullshit. It's basically torture. But I have to do it. have to keep loving and caring for as long as I can. Who knows when those little electric shock things won't work...and I can't save it. And then the very best part of me will be gone forever. So, as long as I've got it...I'll love this way. But times running out...I can feel it.
I hate being a failure. And what's more is that I failed at making you see what is so clear...how amazing and, dare I say awesome, I am. I know I can see it...and others can too...but in all my attempts to frame it differently so that you too can see it, I've forgotten that you weren't even looking. I reiterate...this is my fault. But did you ever want to save me from myself? Ever think that maybe despite what you say that your actions are speaking something completely different??? I know that words speak louder. Words cut deeper that knives ever could and bruise more than any fist. When there's one of those unnecessary touches, like when hands touch at a time when they didn't really have to...all of that goes completely out the window. I guess I'm going to have to save myself this time. I mean, its possible of course...since not all heroes where capes.
That's all for now...well, except for this...
Maybe its me/Maybe I bore you/.../Baby when I used to love you/There's nothing that I wouldn't do/Went through the fire for you/Anything you asked I'd do/But I'm tired of living this lie/It's getting harder to just slip by/And I realized that I just don't love you/[Boy] like I used to...It's true though, I don't. And if I were you and you were me you'd understand why. That is of course assuming you knew which you I was talking to. Ha, ha...how you like them apples???
Monday, August 25, 2008
A Different World
"You taught me how to love..."
But somehow, I learned how to be loved as well.
So, last night, in a fit of boredom I was forced to watch BET. Now, I have to let you know that I don't watch BET. I mean, I'm black, and I'm not the least bit entertained. Also, if you aren't a minority and watch BET you would likely think the only interests of the black race are music videos, Sunday morning gospel programs and bad made for TV movies. But, I digress...
I'm watching BET and there's "A Different World" marathon on. And as luck would have it, the series of episodes on at that moment where the ones where Whitely almost but doesn't but then does get married ones. The night before her impending nuptials to Byron, Dwayne shows up and they have this really sweet conversation. The next day, Dwayne decides not to attend to wedding...but of course you know, he shows up anyway. There's a cough, a "baby please" and an exchange of "I do's" though not between the two who were actually supposed to get married. (In case you were, I don't know living under a rock in the early 90's or, in utero...here's a link for a part of that episode on youtube.com http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol524rpzBo8)
That whole spiel there is important because of all the things I'm about to say.
Ever been there...in that place where your heart is in two different places? I've been there. Sometimes I look around at my current surroundings and feel as if I've never left that place. So much about then is exactly the same as now. Same people...different places. Same feelings...different spaces in my heart. Same roles...but different at the same time. I've said it before, and it was as real then as it is now... If I love you then I love you. Not the type to leave one place for another place just because they have a vacancy. Its possible though, and will always be so, to have a place that can never be touched by another...and yet give your whole heart to someone else. I can understand though, if you're afraid to take that leap...there's a healthy amount of fear associated with anything that gives a great reward. But you can't be scared forever-right? Its as hard for me in this place to understand everything as it could be for you...or anyone else.
You know that talk that Whitley and Dwayne had....they each said something that I think fits here.
You taught me how to love...and you taught me how to love...
But somehow, I learned how to be loved as well.
So, last night, in a fit of boredom I was forced to watch BET. Now, I have to let you know that I don't watch BET. I mean, I'm black, and I'm not the least bit entertained. Also, if you aren't a minority and watch BET you would likely think the only interests of the black race are music videos, Sunday morning gospel programs and bad made for TV movies. But, I digress...
I'm watching BET and there's "A Different World" marathon on. And as luck would have it, the series of episodes on at that moment where the ones where Whitely almost but doesn't but then does get married ones. The night before her impending nuptials to Byron, Dwayne shows up and they have this really sweet conversation. The next day, Dwayne decides not to attend to wedding...but of course you know, he shows up anyway. There's a cough, a "baby please" and an exchange of "I do's" though not between the two who were actually supposed to get married. (In case you were, I don't know living under a rock in the early 90's or, in utero...here's a link for a part of that episode on youtube.com http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol524rpzBo8)
That whole spiel there is important because of all the things I'm about to say.
Ever been there...in that place where your heart is in two different places? I've been there. Sometimes I look around at my current surroundings and feel as if I've never left that place. So much about then is exactly the same as now. Same people...different places. Same feelings...different spaces in my heart. Same roles...but different at the same time. I've said it before, and it was as real then as it is now... If I love you then I love you. Not the type to leave one place for another place just because they have a vacancy. Its possible though, and will always be so, to have a place that can never be touched by another...and yet give your whole heart to someone else. I can understand though, if you're afraid to take that leap...there's a healthy amount of fear associated with anything that gives a great reward. But you can't be scared forever-right? Its as hard for me in this place to understand everything as it could be for you...or anyone else.
You know that talk that Whitley and Dwayne had....they each said something that I think fits here.
You taught me how to love...and you taught me how to love...
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Green light
It's a lot easier to lose her than it is to find her. And by her I mean me. I don't know if they covered this in class, but green means go...
Dear [insert name of person here who clearly doesn't feel your awesomeness],
I'm not sure if we've met...or maybe we've met but never been formally introduced. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I'm [insert your name here] and I'm awesome. Amazing even. I think you might have missed that. It's not that big of a deal really except I'm quite sure you [choose one that fits: like/love/are secretly-not so secretly in love with] me and just don't know what to do about it. I have a suggestion...how about you ask me out? On a real date? 2 or 3 of them even...and if you have a good time (which is almost guaranteed since we have already covered the fact that I'm awesome) you take it from there. Sound like a plan? I mean, you're definitely welcome to keep doing it your way. I have to warn you though, continuing to do this your way will result in one of the following: me dating someone else (which, as I'm sure you're aware will result in the cessation of some very important and enjoyable perks of hanging out with me), me dating someone else that is more awesome that you, me dating someone as awesome as you but with the balls to ask me out, and oh, me dating someone else so much more awesome than you that I become embarrassed by the fact that I ever entertained the idea of spending time with you in the first place. I like my way better...but as usual, and according to the crash test dummies...the choice is yours.
Sincerely yours---unless you screw this up,
[insert your name here]
If I were you/it would be me that I go home with/...
I'm ready to go right now...
Dear [insert name of person here who clearly doesn't feel your awesomeness],
I'm not sure if we've met...or maybe we've met but never been formally introduced. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I'm [insert your name here] and I'm awesome. Amazing even. I think you might have missed that. It's not that big of a deal really except I'm quite sure you [choose one that fits: like/love/are secretly-not so secretly in love with] me and just don't know what to do about it. I have a suggestion...how about you ask me out? On a real date? 2 or 3 of them even...and if you have a good time (which is almost guaranteed since we have already covered the fact that I'm awesome) you take it from there. Sound like a plan? I mean, you're definitely welcome to keep doing it your way. I have to warn you though, continuing to do this your way will result in one of the following: me dating someone else (which, as I'm sure you're aware will result in the cessation of some very important and enjoyable perks of hanging out with me), me dating someone else that is more awesome that you, me dating someone as awesome as you but with the balls to ask me out, and oh, me dating someone else so much more awesome than you that I become embarrassed by the fact that I ever entertained the idea of spending time with you in the first place. I like my way better...but as usual, and according to the crash test dummies...the choice is yours.
Sincerely yours---unless you screw this up,
[insert your name here]
If I were you/it would be me that I go home with/...
I'm ready to go right now...
Monday, August 18, 2008
The fam ain't eatin cheddar biscuits...
I'm gonna rap like I got some kinda respect for myself...the flow so cold chicken soup won't help....you now f'in with the best in the world...
---K.West
This week-end was ummmm....
You know, it's not often that I find myself without words but in this moment I find myself in such a place. A place without words. I'm glad that it's over...somehow I managed to escape unscathed and still employed. Side note:being a consumer doesn't entitle you to anything except the items that you purchased. That's it. So, unless they sell "nice" on the shelf next to "patience" and "desire to listen to you talk about something I have no interest in" right next to Special K cereal bars....then you won't be getting any of the aforementioned items with your order unless Special K is your thing.
What is its about females that makes [them] want to hate on each other? It's like something is ingrained in the X chromosome. But it skipped me...and all the females I keep company with, because we are definitely of the non-hater variety. I'm SO beyond tired of people looking at me like they have something to say...but not saying anything at all. I mean, I can read your looks ma, I know what you're thinking. Luckily though (for you) you know better than to say it. But, I invite you....welcome you even, to start speaking your mind. If you want to know who I am-ask. Looking at me is not going to help you figure that out...but if you think it might, take a picture-it lasts longer. And yes, you're right. I'm rude. So? I'm probably not speaking to you unless you speak first if I don't already know you. And? I want you to realize that I'm actually a nice person but because most of the other females I've known have been such *ahem* unsavory individuals, I refuse to be nice first. And I hear you when you say "give people the benefit of the doubt" but chances are, if the person in question has a vagina-she's probably trifling. Sad, but true. And I'd rather let you prove yourself to be otherwise before we become acquaintances than to invite you in because I think your shoes are hot and discover that you were not only a fake female but faker than the last female that I knew....and that's pretty damn fake.
There lesson here-in short: They don't issue licenses to break b*&%#s...but if they did, I'd have one. But I'm willing to lay that aside if you'll just say what's on your mind rather than giving me a look that speaks volumes but isn't really saying anything... I mean after all-words speak louder...
---K.West
This week-end was ummmm....
You know, it's not often that I find myself without words but in this moment I find myself in such a place. A place without words. I'm glad that it's over...somehow I managed to escape unscathed and still employed. Side note:being a consumer doesn't entitle you to anything except the items that you purchased. That's it. So, unless they sell "nice" on the shelf next to "patience" and "desire to listen to you talk about something I have no interest in" right next to Special K cereal bars....then you won't be getting any of the aforementioned items with your order unless Special K is your thing.
What is its about females that makes [them] want to hate on each other? It's like something is ingrained in the X chromosome. But it skipped me...and all the females I keep company with, because we are definitely of the non-hater variety. I'm SO beyond tired of people looking at me like they have something to say...but not saying anything at all. I mean, I can read your looks ma, I know what you're thinking. Luckily though (for you) you know better than to say it. But, I invite you....welcome you even, to start speaking your mind. If you want to know who I am-ask. Looking at me is not going to help you figure that out...but if you think it might, take a picture-it lasts longer. And yes, you're right. I'm rude. So? I'm probably not speaking to you unless you speak first if I don't already know you. And? I want you to realize that I'm actually a nice person but because most of the other females I've known have been such *ahem* unsavory individuals, I refuse to be nice first. And I hear you when you say "give people the benefit of the doubt" but chances are, if the person in question has a vagina-she's probably trifling. Sad, but true. And I'd rather let you prove yourself to be otherwise before we become acquaintances than to invite you in because I think your shoes are hot and discover that you were not only a fake female but faker than the last female that I knew....and that's pretty damn fake.
There lesson here-in short: They don't issue licenses to break b*&%#s...but if they did, I'd have one. But I'm willing to lay that aside if you'll just say what's on your mind rather than giving me a look that speaks volumes but isn't really saying anything... I mean after all-words speak louder...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Class is in session
So, its been forever since I've posted on my old blog and somehow adding this post to the others felt about as right as wearing a prom dress to a baseball game...completely out of place.
In case you're just now joining the program, let me give you the hard and fast basics. 26. Single. College grad. Advanced degree in the works. Nice to a fault. Dependable. Favorite color (s) green and orange (today). Likes: ice cream, carbs, shoes and emotionally unavailable boys. Dislikes: nosey people, people who lie for no reason, people in general really...and emotionally unavailable boys. Life's ambition: To live in a world where chickens can cross the street without having their motives questioned..and to help others. Oh, and in case you haven't noticed-I've the quickest wit. ever.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming...
I used to be this girl. I've grown up though. And apparently my emotions have grown up along with the rest of me (about damn time). I'm a really, really sweet lady. But you probably don't know that, unless you know me. Which, even though you think you do-you probably don't. I got real tired of people "G-checking" me...that is, testing my gangsta. I'll admit it. If I were you and I knew me, I'd have probably tried to get one over on me too. But only once. Some of you fools kept trying me (and still do) over...and over...and over. Expecting a different result. Not. Gonna. Happen. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean I'm stupid. Just because I'll bend over backwards to make you happy doesn't mean my back is always turned. Just because I wasn't there doesn't mean I didn't see it...
So, I don't speak unless spoken to. I don't make friends easy. I generally don't like people. Most females are fakes, fronts...skeezers and scandalous stunts (that's from the Boondocks...)...oh, and they are haters too. All the friends I don't have, I (probably) won't have. My friends aren't people...they are family. And despite the fact that I generally wear 4 inch heels and never leave home without mascara...I also carry my sneakers in the trunk and know that in a pinch lip gloss serves as a great substitute for Vaseline and skirt or dress can easily be tied in the middle to make shorts...don't play.
I am nice. Best friend you'll ever have if you make it that far. Once you're in-you're in. But if you step out, chances are you'll find the locks changed next time you stop by. Life is too short to spend most of it in tears over people who didn't even care enough not to do what they did in the first place. The lesson here is that I realize I have attitude. So? If that stops you from trying to get to know me...it wouldn't have ever worked out in the first place.
"You say you wanna learn? This isn't school house rock...it's the school of hard knocks. If you're the type to bring a pen to a test...then don't even waste my time showing up for class..."
In case you're just now joining the program, let me give you the hard and fast basics. 26. Single. College grad. Advanced degree in the works. Nice to a fault. Dependable. Favorite color (s) green and orange (today). Likes: ice cream, carbs, shoes and emotionally unavailable boys. Dislikes: nosey people, people who lie for no reason, people in general really...and emotionally unavailable boys. Life's ambition: To live in a world where chickens can cross the street without having their motives questioned..and to help others. Oh, and in case you haven't noticed-I've the quickest wit. ever.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming...
I used to be this girl. I've grown up though. And apparently my emotions have grown up along with the rest of me (about damn time). I'm a really, really sweet lady. But you probably don't know that, unless you know me. Which, even though you think you do-you probably don't. I got real tired of people "G-checking" me...that is, testing my gangsta. I'll admit it. If I were you and I knew me, I'd have probably tried to get one over on me too. But only once. Some of you fools kept trying me (and still do) over...and over...and over. Expecting a different result. Not. Gonna. Happen. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean I'm stupid. Just because I'll bend over backwards to make you happy doesn't mean my back is always turned. Just because I wasn't there doesn't mean I didn't see it...
So, I don't speak unless spoken to. I don't make friends easy. I generally don't like people. Most females are fakes, fronts...skeezers and scandalous stunts (that's from the Boondocks...)...oh, and they are haters too. All the friends I don't have, I (probably) won't have. My friends aren't people...they are family. And despite the fact that I generally wear 4 inch heels and never leave home without mascara...I also carry my sneakers in the trunk and know that in a pinch lip gloss serves as a great substitute for Vaseline and skirt or dress can easily be tied in the middle to make shorts...don't play.
I am nice. Best friend you'll ever have if you make it that far. Once you're in-you're in. But if you step out, chances are you'll find the locks changed next time you stop by. Life is too short to spend most of it in tears over people who didn't even care enough not to do what they did in the first place. The lesson here is that I realize I have attitude. So? If that stops you from trying to get to know me...it wouldn't have ever worked out in the first place.
"You say you wanna learn? This isn't school house rock...it's the school of hard knocks. If you're the type to bring a pen to a test...then don't even waste my time showing up for class..."
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