Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Live Your Life

I have a lot on my mind. Usually this is a good thing but lately my mind has been...cramped...clouded...full to capacity with so many things that I can't sort anything out. I feel as if I've been walking around in a haze. I just wish I knew...you know, what was the most pressing thought. Then I could start with that one and move on the next most important thing...and so on. But no, each thing seems as important and pressing as the next. So here I am, with a head full of thoughts and plan to process them all.

We talked on Friday. About the whole non-committal sitch that is quite possibly the longest faux relationship in the history of faux relationships. How I managed to get myself is beyond me. I'm not that type of girl. Well, I mean clearly at some point I was. But that was then. Now that I'm an official badass (this new haircut I'm sportin' is my license to break b!&$hes...which is what you need, of course, to be a badass) being that girl doesn't fit. So, we talked. And I need to preface everything I'm about to say with this: it wasn't intended to be a convincing talk, as I've long since done away with the idea of commitment, at least for the time being and for the purposes of my current situation. That said, it was an...interesting, yes, interesting and unproductive talk. Not that I expected it to be much else. It did however provide new and entertaining explanations for my list (more on that later). I've all and given up on the idea that one day this will be something more than what it is. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt though. Because it does. It's hard to see and think and feel the way I do and not be able to let that out. It's even more difficult to accept that I'm the person to blame for letting this go on this far and for letting myself feel as I do. I wish I could blame the other party for at least some of this, but the honest truth is I can't. It's all my fault. I've failed at the only thing I really needed to not fail at...especially at this point in my life...which is keeping my heart safe. No one will ever do as good of a job as I can or will at keeping this battered little heart safe and protected. It's taken quite a few beatings, more than should ever be experienced by any heart...let alone one that gives so much more than it will ever get back. It loves in a self-inflicted trauma unit. Each bruise taking it closer and closer to the edge, only to be resuscitated and brought back to suffer though more of life's bullshit. It's basically torture. But I have to do it. have to keep loving and caring for as long as I can. Who knows when those little electric shock things won't work...and I can't save it. And then the very best part of me will be gone forever. So, as long as I've got it...I'll love this way. But times running out...I can feel it.

I hate being a failure. And what's more is that I failed at making you see what is so clear...how amazing and, dare I say awesome, I am. I know I can see it...and others can too...but in all my attempts to frame it differently so that you too can see it, I've forgotten that you weren't even looking. I reiterate...this is my fault. But did you ever want to save me from myself? Ever think that maybe despite what you say that your actions are speaking something completely different??? I know that words speak louder. Words cut deeper that knives ever could and bruise more than any fist. When there's one of those unnecessary touches, like when hands touch at a time when they didn't really have to...all of that goes completely out the window. I guess I'm going to have to save myself this time. I mean, its possible of course...since not all heroes where capes.

That's all for now...well, except for this...

Maybe its me/Maybe I bore you/.../Baby when I used to love you/There's nothing that I wouldn't do/Went through the fire for you/Anything you asked I'd do/But I'm tired of living this lie/It's getting harder to just slip by/And I realized that I just don't love you/[Boy] like I used to...

It's true though, I don't. And if I were you and you were me you'd understand why. That is of course assuming you knew which you I was talking to. Ha, ha...how you like them apples???

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