We can't be friends...

That RL/Deborah Cox song is still the truth year later... It's true what they say though, we can't....

It's hard to let go of the very thing that God himself is trying tear you from when you know that it's the very thing you need to let go...especially when it feels like that's the very thing that you need to survive. Maybe that's a bit much...maybe I don't need it to survive, but I have to admit that it made the breathing easier. I guess I should have taken my own advice (can you do that really...take your own advice. I mean, if it comes from you it's not so much advice is it???) and remembered that its not what they (and by they I mean guys) do, it's what they say. Actions are a cover....disguise if you will, for the guilt we feel for saying the truth. Words speak louder. Loud and clear...

Grandma says that you no one can do any more to you than you let them. That's a very true statement. At what point though, do you step in and stop yourself from being mistreated? What happened to someone else saying, "Wait, this is wrong...let me stop myself...."??? I guess that kind of accountability is gone...along with guys that follow through, and mean what they say, and open doors and whatnot. And females that are real women instead of overdeveloped 8 year olds that want what you have just because its yours. I wish I had stepped in wayyyyy before now. But I was afraid. Of losing that thing that I was never in possession of in the first place. So, I'm hurt. But not because I lost anything per se...just let go for something I wasn't really holding in the first place. Empty handed all along I guess, but admitting that was the hard part...

On a happier note... OBAMA WON!!!! Hells yeah, hells yeah... I'm trying to refrain from doing the cabbage patch down the hallway right now. Actin' like I've been somewhere as my Grandma would say. I'm excited though. This is a BIG moment in history....and I was there. My grandma, who still has her first voter registration card....never missed an election....remembers when she couldn't sit in a restaurant or the front of the bus, cried last night because this was the vote that counted-more than all the others. In the same century that MLK and Malcolm X are assassinated we have a Black man elected as the President of the United States. Wow... I didn't think I would see this in my lifetime, much less be in a position to have kids and honestly tell them that they can be whatever it is that they want to be. America is changing. Sometimes it doesn't look too good, but it's looking better. I'm proud to be an American...more so today than any other day in my whole life.

I agree with the philosopher Jagger....who said, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try you might find you'll get what you need".

Love lockdown...

I can't love you and me too...


I mean...that's not the truth. I can, I just choose not to---any longer. Just like I'm not too proud to beg, I just choose not to. Not for forgiveness, attention, time, affection...none of that. You have got to be kidding me...


This heart is officially closed for business. Hence the title of this text. I'm saving myself from myself and putting on the cape to save the world from what will happen if it manages to get broken again. I'm not unlovable I'm sure. Just hard to love maybe, but that doesn't mean that I deserve, in any way, what I've been through. And, I'm tired. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is for the best if only for now. Maybe there will be an "open" sign in the storefront again someday... Just won't be tomorrow...and I wouldn't count on the day after that either.


Something about spending the greater part of your real adult life "connected" to someone... You know instantly when they've, unplugged, so to speak. It wasn't as if I just noticed. I knew the minute it happened. I just couldn't pinpoint what it was that caused...that. And the thought of talking about it here could bring tears to my eyes and down my cheeks before I'd even realized they'd started. It felt like I'd been pushed off someplace real high without anything to catch me. It was hard to breathe...and I was scared. I cried for along time that day. But, what's done is done, right? You can't bring someone back to a place where they don't even remember ever having been to. It's been over...many, many times. But I guess now, I now for sure. It's been real, and it's been fun. And at times it was real fun...

So, I'm planning to stimulate the economy. Every little bit helps, right??? So far, on my list of things to buy, I have a new television, new fall boots, a fiberbed and a Wii. I'm also toying with the idea of buying a new digital camera and some accessories for the apartment. I like shopping...but I must admit that it does not have the same appeal that it had when I could do it in the A. I want to travel down for a few days next week and hit the old hotspots...Sage, Market and Perimeter Mall. It's all about that time for a tattoo touch up...but that drive to Athens feels like it takes forever. Even though it's not as long as the one to the heart of Atlanta. Also, there's a fear that I'll be convinced to get another while I'm there. And I'm fresh out of places where the new addition could hide. And I'm not down with visible tats...not for girls...with regular jobs and whatnot.

I'm eating diet food again...ugh. This is about as much fun as...well...no fun at all. So far I'm down 4 pounds. Yay!!! Which means that I'm forcing myself to achieve a weight that I'm sure my body won't like. See, here's the problem...about 3 weeks ago I noticed a "shift" in the weight in my body. that's right, its moved. To new places. Places it was not allowed to go. Mostly the old new weight decided to reside in my hips and thighs...and now it won't go away. So, back to the diet food...and running...and walking..and squats and lunges...this is not fun by the way, but necessary. I've consulted with all my 30-something friends and apparently this is what happens the close you get to 30. Boooooooo....

I'm out, for now. Take care...

Boys, bring your capes...

'Cause the girls are bringing the kryptonite...

Hey...I'm talking to you...and you...

Somethings got to give... Either we can't be friends or she has got to go. And since I already have my things packed-my guess is it'll likely be me. Even though I was there first...I'll gladly give up my seat to the someone you would rather have keep it warm. I want to see you happy even if it's not with me. That is not however, my first choice.

So, I see you can't keep your hands out of the cookie jar. Well, I didn't take you as the sweet tooth type. In fact, I was sure bananas were your thing. Since this is not the first time I've been wrong, I'll concede victory on that point ans this one too... I thought you were a decent individual. Damn, it is so rare that I'm wrong twice in a row. LOL...good news for me in the game I'm playing all deuces are wild...

I need to purchase some sympathy cards. You know, for these [females] that are dying to be me. I think it's absolutely ok for you to partake in my [leftovers] if you so choose. However, I must let you know that there was a reason that the [persons] in question became my castoffs in the first place. And-might I add-it just makes you look bad. But, to be honest-it wasn't as if you needed much help in that department in the first place...

Boys are stupid. Guys too. And men even. Though I'm not sure I know of any members of the male sex who fit into that last category. I'm sure there are at least a few of them...and if I ever meet one, I'll let you know. In the past few months there have been a slew of songs celebrating what society has branded the "independent woman". This woman is a person who has her own life...a job which affords her to buy whatever she likes...and has fun with her friends...pays her own bills...and sometimes buys her man dinner and items with with to entertain and dress himself. Funny, where I come from that was just called a "woman". No need for the "independent" part. Much less the gang of songwriters who want to sing her praises. After all, it was the girl in the back of the video emptying a bottle of Dom over her head and shaking it like a salt shaker to pay her rent that created a need from women who didn't do that type of thing to solidify her place in the world. And we did that by buying our own cars...and houses...and paying out own light bills. The funny thing about that this is that it wasn't cool for a while. Guys needed to be needed and didn't like the "independent-I-don't-need-a-man" types. But, with the economic downturn that is bleeding America dry, it seems the guys appreciate a woman who does things for herself. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact they are broke?? Or maybe they realized that if they didn't start celebrating us that we would continue to remain unmarried...and if we did decide to get married...it would likely be to a man whose race did not match our own...

Don't hate the player...hate "the game"...remix...

***This is the remix... I didn't mean to post this until I made some additions and a few much needed edits. Enjoy...***

And by "The Game" I mean the show. And I don't hate it. I just don't like it very much right now.

So, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I knew that I missed my ex. It's only logical that I would miss him. I've known him as long as I've known myself. And by that I mean 9 years. When he graduated and moved away it hurt just like it used to back then...when we lived apart and after a visit he would go back home. Except then I knew it would be just a few weeks before he'd be back-and those tears were just what I did ( I did a lot of crying back in the day)...and now it's not like that. I cried when he left. Harder and longer that I have in a while. And since that time has passed I realized I loved a boy that wouldn't ever love me back...and I don't know how to stop loving him...and even that didn't make me cry as much as the day he went away. The pickle is that I didn't know exactly how much I missed him until just now. Almost right this very second. And it's a lot. And it hurts. A pretty good bit.

I passed up a chance to see him this week-end. It was the right thing to do. It was the adult thing to do. It was the hard thing to do. I couldn't see him knowing that he would likely say things he shouldn't and then go back to someone who isn't me. The someone else part is the part I'm most ok with. The saying things he shouldn't is the hard part. Because as much as I don't want to hear them...and don't want to believe them---part of me needs to know those things he thinks and only has the courage to say when he sees me. Of course I know those things are not the kind of things I need to hear. Those things will send be back to a place that I visit enough on my own without a free trip there courtesy of a getting things off my chest moment from him. I know there will always be things we shouldn't say...but that has never meant you couldn't think them.

I moved on. And then back. And then on. And then back. And now on. It's hard to spend the night with someone who doesn't understand the concept of a cuddle. I haven't had a good cuddle in over a year. And I'm adorable. I deserve a good cuddle. I miss the cuddles and I miss the kisses. I miss the dates and dinners. But mostly I miss the company. I miss those moments when you're in the same room not saying anything but feeling like it was a great time spent together. It's difficult to think of the person you once loved more than yourself with those arms wrapped around a person who didn't help them grow...doesn't understand where the strength comes from that helped him hold you. To think of him looking at her when he wakes up and telling her she's beautiful. And you very well might be...but she's no me. I try not to think about those things-but its hard. I tell myself (not as often as before but still more often than I would like) that I can't go back there. With him or anyone else...to the place or time when I love another person more than I love me. But I could go to a place where we both love just as we should. Though I don't think the ex is allowed in that place with me either. We...he and I...likely won't ever be. Which is sad since we are completely different people than we were when we were...together. Things didn't work between those two...but maybe it could work now. Except I can't take the chance that it won't...and what's worse I can't take the chance that it would.

Which is why I can't see him. I can't say he won't say... And I don't know that I'll have the strength to say... And then what can I say...when I'm crying so hard I can't say... Or when I'm smiling so big words aren't necessary... I don't know. For now it's best to stay apart. Until I know for sure that one option isn't an option anymore...

The show comes in.........here. Melaine and Derwin were together and the apart and now together. Some of the same roller coaster type things that he and I went through. And now I see them Mel and Derwin) and it makes me think that maybe he and I could make it... Then reality bites...and I remember that I'm not the one who left me...and I strengthen my resolve to stay strong and not love him. Even in those moments when every fiber of my being is saying that I should...and still do...and always will. I'm not so sure that I believe those fibers though...but then again I've no reason not to either.

And now I've got that Ne-Yo and Rihanna song stuck in my head...

I do hate the game...I do...I really, really do...

New Year's Resolutions

I turned 27 yesterday. Yay!!! 30 is right around the corner. I'm not as afraid of 30 as I was just 2 years ago. Turning 25 felt like a death sentence. I spent most of that day pining over the loss of my early twenties and dreading the impending doom of the years to come. I felt unaccomplished and sad that day. And I must admit, 26 didn't feel that much better. But 27 is a good feeling.


Now, the title of this post may seem a little odd since new year's is still 3.5 months away...but I gave up making new year's resolutions a long time ago. They are much like rules, you know, made to be broken. And so rather than break yet another promise to myself I resolved only to make resolutions when the time felt absolutely appropriate...and that time is now.

So...here they are...in no real order...


*** Keep in touch with my friends... This past week-end I attended my friend (and sorority sister) Kim (and her husband Christoff)'s celebration of their recent nupitals. They were married in Germany in May and threw a similarly large celebration here in the states. AMAZING time. I saw so many people I hadn't seen in ages. My friend Jeanette (my travel partner to DC for the reception) and I hadn't seen each other in nearly 2 years. Facebook posts aren't going to do it anymore. I'm talking post cards and cards on birthdays and actual gift(cards) at Christmas.

*** No more emotionally unavailable boys. Enough said. No more boys that remind me of my ex. I seem to have a type and it's not a good one.

*** Get a better "type"

*** Be nicer. Wait, who am I kidding. I just became a badass. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm going to soften the edge a little. I'll try not and make boys cry...often...as often...

*** 5:30 AM gym time. No exceptions. Not even those calls that come closer to that time than a time that would have been reasonable. Not even hangovers...overnight guests...a big day the next day. Nothing. That's going to be my time. And the only way that works is if I'm there.

*** Listen to music that actually classifies as music in past decades. This means more old school, like Marvin and Tammy and the Supremes...less "Gucci Bandana" and the like.

*** More smiling. It's too cute to keep all to myself. However, just because I smile more doesn't mean I want you to come talk to me...because this will lead to a breaking of the aforementioned resolution of not making boys cry...as often. I'll have to be rude.

*** More real TV. And less reality TV. I watch a good bit of news and so forth now, but I have become a reality TV addict. It's probably because I don't really like people...well, at least the being around them part....and you know, its hard to observe human behavior without actually being around humans. So, as a consequence of my solo-ness I've resorted to watching what passes for appropriate in-public behavior these days on Bravo and MTV and VH1. I'm going to do better...

*** Drink more water...eat less sugar.

*** Lose the last 10 pounds. This is toughie. I don't know what my body wants to hover around a weight that I'm not at all happy with, but it seems to have found a place it likes. Well, it's got to move from that place. NOW.

*** This is huge...grow my hair out. *gasp*. I know...I know. I think I miss it.

*** Find the job. In the location. Sooner rather than later.

*** Post to my blog more. I know you need this folks ;) You people are like fiends for the next dose of the banana humor aren't you???

Later...

Live Your Life

I have a lot on my mind. Usually this is a good thing but lately my mind has been...cramped...clouded...full to capacity with so many things that I can't sort anything out. I feel as if I've been walking around in a haze. I just wish I knew...you know, what was the most pressing thought. Then I could start with that one and move on the next most important thing...and so on. But no, each thing seems as important and pressing as the next. So here I am, with a head full of thoughts and plan to process them all.

We talked on Friday. About the whole non-committal sitch that is quite possibly the longest faux relationship in the history of faux relationships. How I managed to get myself is beyond me. I'm not that type of girl. Well, I mean clearly at some point I was. But that was then. Now that I'm an official badass (this new haircut I'm sportin' is my license to break b!&$hes...which is what you need, of course, to be a badass) being that girl doesn't fit. So, we talked. And I need to preface everything I'm about to say with this: it wasn't intended to be a convincing talk, as I've long since done away with the idea of commitment, at least for the time being and for the purposes of my current situation. That said, it was an...interesting, yes, interesting and unproductive talk. Not that I expected it to be much else. It did however provide new and entertaining explanations for my list (more on that later). I've all and given up on the idea that one day this will be something more than what it is. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt though. Because it does. It's hard to see and think and feel the way I do and not be able to let that out. It's even more difficult to accept that I'm the person to blame for letting this go on this far and for letting myself feel as I do. I wish I could blame the other party for at least some of this, but the honest truth is I can't. It's all my fault. I've failed at the only thing I really needed to not fail at...especially at this point in my life...which is keeping my heart safe. No one will ever do as good of a job as I can or will at keeping this battered little heart safe and protected. It's taken quite a few beatings, more than should ever be experienced by any heart...let alone one that gives so much more than it will ever get back. It loves in a self-inflicted trauma unit. Each bruise taking it closer and closer to the edge, only to be resuscitated and brought back to suffer though more of life's bullshit. It's basically torture. But I have to do it. have to keep loving and caring for as long as I can. Who knows when those little electric shock things won't work...and I can't save it. And then the very best part of me will be gone forever. So, as long as I've got it...I'll love this way. But times running out...I can feel it.

I hate being a failure. And what's more is that I failed at making you see what is so clear...how amazing and, dare I say awesome, I am. I know I can see it...and others can too...but in all my attempts to frame it differently so that you too can see it, I've forgotten that you weren't even looking. I reiterate...this is my fault. But did you ever want to save me from myself? Ever think that maybe despite what you say that your actions are speaking something completely different??? I know that words speak louder. Words cut deeper that knives ever could and bruise more than any fist. When there's one of those unnecessary touches, like when hands touch at a time when they didn't really have to...all of that goes completely out the window. I guess I'm going to have to save myself this time. I mean, its possible of course...since not all heroes where capes.

That's all for now...well, except for this...

Maybe its me/Maybe I bore you/.../Baby when I used to love you/There's nothing that I wouldn't do/Went through the fire for you/Anything you asked I'd do/But I'm tired of living this lie/It's getting harder to just slip by/And I realized that I just don't love you/[Boy] like I used to...

It's true though, I don't. And if I were you and you were me you'd understand why. That is of course assuming you knew which you I was talking to. Ha, ha...how you like them apples???

A Different World

"You taught me how to love..."

But somehow, I learned how to be loved as well.

So, last night, in a fit of boredom I was forced to watch BET. Now, I have to let you know that I don't watch BET. I mean, I'm black, and I'm not the least bit entertained. Also, if you aren't a minority and watch BET you would likely think the only interests of the black race are music videos, Sunday morning gospel programs and bad made for TV movies. But, I digress...

I'm watching BET and there's "A Different World" marathon on. And as luck would have it, the series of episodes on at that moment where the ones where Whitely almost but doesn't but then does get married ones. The night before her impending nuptials to Byron, Dwayne shows up and they have this really sweet conversation. The next day, Dwayne decides not to attend to wedding...but of course you know, he shows up anyway. There's a cough, a "baby please" and an exchange of "I do's" though not between the two who were actually supposed to get married. (In case you were, I don't know living under a rock in the early 90's or, in utero...here's a link for a part of that episode on youtube.com http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol524rpzBo8)

That whole spiel there is important because of all the things I'm about to say.

Ever been there...in that place where your heart is in two different places? I've been there. Sometimes I look around at my current surroundings and feel as if I've never left that place. So much about then is exactly the same as now. Same people...different places. Same feelings...different spaces in my heart. Same roles...but different at the same time. I've said it before, and it was as real then as it is now... If I love you then I love you. Not the type to leave one place for another place just because they have a vacancy. Its possible though, and will always be so, to have a place that can never be touched by another...and yet give your whole heart to someone else. I can understand though, if you're afraid to take that leap...there's a healthy amount of fear associated with anything that gives a great reward. But you can't be scared forever-right? Its as hard for me in this place to understand everything as it could be for you...or anyone else.

You know that talk that Whitley and Dwayne had....they each said something that I think fits here.

You taught me how to love...and you taught me how to love...