Post-it

important things to note...

* the more naked and the more drunk a girl is, the more guys seem to care about her. seems to me, maybe you should have cared before the drinks...and maybe even before you let her leave the house all naked and what not... I'm just saying...

* there has been a sudden increase in bitchassness. it can hit you when you lease expect it. color nor creed nor sex nor greek affilitaion does not make you immune. you must have your guard up at all times.

* homies over hoes...but what if your homie is the hoe...and she's a good girl???

* i go to bed @ 930. i may not be asleep...but I'm in the bed. phone on silent. you better be dead or dying or both before you call or text me...

* karma is another word for re-gifting of the bullshit you give to other people. its a real phenomenon but people are sleeping on it lately. you dish it. but it rarely...if ever...comes back to you the same way you sent it out.

* if you love you. be with you. leave everyone else out. we love us. and will thank you later.

* 25 days...and counting...

* my prayers take a lot less time without you in them...

Just like me...

I can't be mad...you're just like me...

Screw that...

It's been...interesting. I've been having a lot of that lately. Its going to get better though. It has too.

t-4 days.

I'm stressed. My hair is falling out kind of stressed. I can't sleep at night always tired my body is rebelling against me kind of stress. The last time this happened it was a boy...well, truth be told 2 boys, that were causing these kinds of issues. Neither of those boys turned out to be worth it...and the truth is this one isn't either. I mean, I'm too cute...and too vain to be bald. Besides, even if he was worth all this trouble, I'd likely have to leave him anyway...I'm to grown to bothered with what amounts to a boy not being able to locate his penis because his vagina is in the way. Yeah, I said it. 2 things can be learned from my current situation: when forced to choose, choose you...and when all else fails-shoes fix everything.

I'd like to point out...that this whole having his face splashed all over my facebook is not cool. at. all. And I'd like it to stop...yesterday. And my pride is all I have left in matters of the heart...and I refuse to lose that too...

K came for the weekend a couple weeks ago. Fun times. I enjoy having people in town from college. It grounds me. And forces me to get my ass in gear and do something with my life. I would be such a jealous Julie if she wasn't my friend...and you can't help but love her even more for her fabulosity because she's so unaware of how truly fabulous she is.

I had an evening, a couple weeks ago I guess...that ended in a not so good way. I left barefoot, coat-less in a very sexy dress. And, en-route home I cried off all my fantastic eye make-up. This past Thursday ended much the same way...only I was far more clothed. I'd like to point out here...after I've told the tale of all my recent tears...that I don't really like to cry. I loathe crying. I try not to cry even when every fiber in my being is screaming 'cry'...I force emotions down with the same kind of force that causes those emotions to come rising to the top. I. don't. do. tears. But lately I feel those little droplets caressing my cheeks before I even know I'm sad enough to cry...and I don't like it. Not one bit. I'm not going to stop doing it real big with the eye makeup. No sir. What I am going to do is be all sorts of sweet in public...and be like, 'Awww..Shoot. Seems my give a damn is broken. I should send it out to be repaired huh??? And I would, except...I don't give a damn...' I think that people often fail to realize exactly what a person means to them until that person is unavailable for comment.

Ok...I should do work now. Later...

Swagger...

This week-end. wow. All lower case letters because that's just how un-exciting everything was. The dress was a hit....but it not for the shoes (adorable hot pink BCBG peep toe stilletoes...with a cleverly designed heel and two little silver buckles at the toe) it would have been a total waste. There are a few things to mention...

*Guys protect drunk hoes...why???

*Clothes are out...half naked definitely in.

*Classy has gone the way of real music...and what few "real" ladies there are left in the world may not be enough to bring it back

*When your only options are make a scene or cry...you find that other option you had stowed away and you leave...

*I love my little brothers...to fault. I never knew there would be people who cared about me as much as I did...and then here they come. My own little heroes...sans capes of course :)

*I will continue to do it real big with the eyeshadow and the mascara.

What's the deal with dudes these days??? I'm so confused. And as a card carrying member of the female species I would like to put out that there I'm very in touch with my masculine side... Meaning, I can, and will and have been known to act just like a dude in matters of the heart...and if you think I won't...then just try.me. However, the events of the past couple of weeks have me all slack-jawed. I'm in...awe. You get used to people acting a certain way and then they go and do something different. I'm generally quick to adjust but I'm not up for this kind of flexibility. I'm getting old...I don't bend like I used to.

It's like the more out there you are, the more respect you get from a guy. And I'm pretty sure that's not how it should be. I have my own...a queen working for her throne...just like the song says. And I would hope that a guy would respect that and furthermore be proud of that...and of all my accomplishments. But not so much. I like to take care of myself. I'm proud of the fact that I don't have to ask for help. I don't need a guy. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to take the car in for maintenance (like this week I need an oil change...) or to help bring in the groceries from the car...or to take out the trash...and yes, even to pump the gas (something I just started to abhor doing).

You can't predictable unpredictable...break the unbreakable...take the untakable...

Polka dot...

Oh, no...not again...

That's a throwback line from the Animaniacs. See, Dot was making costumes for a performance the trio would be doing in a couple of days. She kept showing them polka dotted fabrics...to which they would say, "Polka dot???" and she would then say ok, and proceed to polka. Until the last time, when she was like...

Ok, ok. I admit. It sounded (much) funnier in my head the way I remembered it...

So, I feel the need to get away. I feel...trapped by Clemson. Odd. Normally I like being here...lately though I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest and it's hard to breathe. I had planned 2 quick trips...one to Charleston the weekend after next and then a even quicker trip to Florida...and after that a longer stint in the Atl. I've preemptively cancelled one of those...no need to guess which, huh? I think in my head I know it would be rude to be in some one's home state...in their city and not make an effort to say hello. At the same time I know no good can come of that hello...and even less good can come of the good-bye that must follow. Especially since it's a real good-bye, not the general see-you-later variety. So it's best if I stay out of the Sunshine State. At least for now.

I am uber-excited about seeing Atl again. It feels like it's been forever since I drove down 85 South into the city. I miss it. I'd move in a second if I could. Atlanta just feels like home when I'm there. I feel like there's nothing I couldn't do if that were my residence...like having a 404 or 770 number would afford me different opportunities than the 864 one I have now. Like living downtown would bring me a different life...being around other young people with the same kind of drive and determination I have would push me to do better...be better. Of course, I get the same kind of feeling from DC...only when I'm there I have to admit there's a little it of fear. I'd be a real, live city girl in DC. A small fish in a really big...highly populated pond. And that, makes me nervous. But I do like the idea of "metro-ing" everywhere and hailing a cab in the district to have coffee with friends from work. And buying a townhouse that costs more than my entire string of educations...even if you multiplied them by themselves...and loving every second of not needing a car. At the same time though, I'm 8 hours away from everything I've ever loved...and what if something happens...then what??? Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I'd put my big girl panties on and take a plane...and just deal. (Side note, I never realized what an offensive word 'panties' was until just...now). However, it's not like I have to make a decision now...

Let's see...what's new. I'm not motivated at all do do work for my strategic communications class. I am going to do the work...it's just hard to make myself do the reading...and the writing. Boo. I'm also realizing that the I need more to do. As a result I'm going to resume the knitting I'd postponed because there were more important things to do...and I'm buying more Wii games. I figure if I have to sit in front of my tv I should have a Wii remote in my hand to prevent the unnecessary snacking that just seems to go with tv watching in my apartment.

That is all. For now..For today at the very least. I've errands to run and laundry to do...an apartment to clean. Being an adult feels had these days...boo to adulthood. I just wanna play...

One for the money...

I'm at work. yay. It is nice to have a job to go to...because the current state of things could have it another way. It's raining outside. Very dreary. I feel like I should be in bed...or at the very least on my sofa, taking in the best that afternoon television has to offer...and by that I mean shows in syndication that I've already seen at least 3 or 4 times. It's hard to be motivated to do something other than this when all you see outside are raindrops that mock you like tears from heaven. It's sad...

I'll be working out today. I'm actually craving something that allows me to move. The treadclimber at Gold's is a-mazing! I've lost 3 pounds so far and while I would love to have one in my home, I'm at least 7 g's away from bringing that gym quality machine through my front door. The "settle" will be a treadmill...but I'm not sure which one. I think it would be a lot easier to get in the extra cardio if I could do it in front of my tv at home instead of dragging myself out into the elements that create SC winters. I think I'll venture out and try some out at Sears and see what I come up with.

Did you watch the Bachelor last night??? I'm actually watching the very end of it now since I decided sleep was a much better option than watching that poor guy hand out the roses. (side note, I also watched The City and Daddy's Girls at work before the last bit of this...and I must say I almost shed a tear at the end of Daddy's Girl's. Such a sweet show...) I am frightened for Jason...really scared. Especially when I watch the previews for the rest of the season and I see Deanna comes back!!! WOW! Just when I thought I'd make a clean break away from reality tv...I've been sucked back in. And by a show devoted to finding love no less. Good luck Jason, good luck...

So, on the agenda for today. Work. Ehh. Lunch at some point and then later a snack and the gym for as long as I can stand it. Home to a big juicy salad (don't be a hater, you know you want one too...) and then comfy and on the couch for the premiere for Season 5, part 2 of Nip/Tuck. Don't call me after 9:30 because at that point, I no longer know you.

Later babes...

"i think my being single has a lot to do with fear on the guys part. what he doesn't realize however is that right before the relationship begins there is all kinds of fear. fear of forever and all that. but it's the good kind. not so much the good kind of fear when you wake up next to a poor man's Banana and go..."crap...i'm stuck. what have i done???" that my friend is the bad kind of fear. so if I were him, I'd take my chances with the good fear...after all forever is a long time to wear the wrong ring..."

Like Def Jam and Hova...

So, I'm in the car. The new whip...aka Juan Carlos (this car is a EX V6 Accord...very aggressive yet smooth, like a Spanish guy) and I think I'd like to take a break from the Luda and David Banner and T.I. I've been listening to on constant repeat since I've had the car. I skip to the John Legend. Hot beats...nice lyrics. And then it hits me...this album is the music anthology to that relationship. Damn it all... but you know, like Bobby and Whitney, except without the kiddies...


We ova...


32 days. What's a girl to do??? I'm thinking retail therapy and lots of running... Any and all other suggestions are welcome.

So, the new year is here. yay. I cannot find much to be happy about. Obama takes office in 15 days (YAY) and I'm all about Bush packing his [things] and exiting the White House as quickly as possible. I think he should hold a press conference and announce that he is leaving earlier than planned. It seems that he has mentally checked out (as if he were ever mentally checked in to begin with...) so to speak as this Israel-Gaza thing gets worse. I'm all about keeping tradition, but I think we need Obama sooner rather than later...and by sooner I mean 2 weeks ago. Bush...how many boxes will you be needing??? I think I can take leave for a few days to help expedite this process...

This 2009 thing came a bit sooner than I had expected. In October it seemed a so far away...and now its...here. I wasn't prepared. I'm not making resolutions. It's hard to make those when you are already so perfectly behaved. The evil formerly known as my tooth is gone, which means if I had made resolutions one of them would be to lose the 5...maybe 6 pounds I'd gained since I had regained the ability to chew. Other than that however, I've nothing in my life that I want to change...and if I did, New Years isn't the time to start them. All the vices I have I'll need to get through the next aforementioned 32 days. Something tells me I picked the wrong time to give up drinking... I'm kidding about that (ok...ok...maybe only a little...).

Let's see...its been awhile, so here's the quick list of what's been going on...

*I hit a deer. A doe. A female deer. She killed Bubbles. Consequently I bought the new whip, which I am in love with. Dark gray, 18 inch alloys...leather...heated seats and a sunroof. As Jim Jones would say..."Ballin'"

*I had an infected tooth. It was evil. Now its gone. They did let me keep it...which grosses most people out, but for the record I did toss it 2 days later. It wasn't as much of a novelty as I had thought.

*I had an allergic reaction. I thought I would die. I am quite thankful for Zo, since he rescued me from both the allergic reaction and the deer fiasco. It was Thai food. But, I've eaten it again (several times over...) since then and I didn't die.

*I bought 14 pairs of shoes. Yes, 14. Including Sperry galoshes and BCBG red peep toe pumps. You can't buy class...but a classy lady can buy shoes ;)

*I went to the gun range on J's birthday. Awesome time. I shot a .22 handgun, .22 rifle and .23 rifle which almost took my face off. I loved every second of it though and can't wait to do it all over again.

*R is getting married. He called while I was in line at the pharmacy. I contemplated the following...drinking myself into a stupor, crying myself to sleep (not because I love him still but because even if I don't want him I'm no so sure all of my heart was ready for him to want someone else), driving to Florida...I've no idea what I've done once I got there. What I actualy did was to shed a few tears and then built a bridge and got over it. Even if my heart could open up for him again my brain would live in fear that the next would be the day that he'd change his mind. Best wishes...

*I'm getting A's in my grad classes. Your girl is brilliant...as if you needed any more proof...

*Gram is doing awesome.

And now... I'm watching the Bachelor and drinking my 8th glass of water for the day. I'll likely have some animal crackers sometime between now and the rose ceremony...you know, just in case you're wondering.

I'll be back tomorrow, because...you know, I realized in my hiatus that I need this just as much as I need to breathe. It's good to have a place to vent.

I'm the last of a dying breed...

We can't be friends...

That RL/Deborah Cox song is still the truth year later... It's true what they say though, we can't....

It's hard to let go of the very thing that God himself is trying tear you from when you know that it's the very thing you need to let go...especially when it feels like that's the very thing that you need to survive. Maybe that's a bit much...maybe I don't need it to survive, but I have to admit that it made the breathing easier. I guess I should have taken my own advice (can you do that really...take your own advice. I mean, if it comes from you it's not so much advice is it???) and remembered that its not what they (and by they I mean guys) do, it's what they say. Actions are a cover....disguise if you will, for the guilt we feel for saying the truth. Words speak louder. Loud and clear...

Grandma says that you no one can do any more to you than you let them. That's a very true statement. At what point though, do you step in and stop yourself from being mistreated? What happened to someone else saying, "Wait, this is wrong...let me stop myself...."??? I guess that kind of accountability is gone...along with guys that follow through, and mean what they say, and open doors and whatnot. And females that are real women instead of overdeveloped 8 year olds that want what you have just because its yours. I wish I had stepped in wayyyyy before now. But I was afraid. Of losing that thing that I was never in possession of in the first place. So, I'm hurt. But not because I lost anything per se...just let go for something I wasn't really holding in the first place. Empty handed all along I guess, but admitting that was the hard part...

On a happier note... OBAMA WON!!!! Hells yeah, hells yeah... I'm trying to refrain from doing the cabbage patch down the hallway right now. Actin' like I've been somewhere as my Grandma would say. I'm excited though. This is a BIG moment in history....and I was there. My grandma, who still has her first voter registration card....never missed an election....remembers when she couldn't sit in a restaurant or the front of the bus, cried last night because this was the vote that counted-more than all the others. In the same century that MLK and Malcolm X are assassinated we have a Black man elected as the President of the United States. Wow... I didn't think I would see this in my lifetime, much less be in a position to have kids and honestly tell them that they can be whatever it is that they want to be. America is changing. Sometimes it doesn't look too good, but it's looking better. I'm proud to be an American...more so today than any other day in my whole life.

I agree with the philosopher Jagger....who said, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try you might find you'll get what you need".