Polka dot...

Oh, no...not again...

That's a throwback line from the Animaniacs. See, Dot was making costumes for a performance the trio would be doing in a couple of days. She kept showing them polka dotted fabrics...to which they would say, "Polka dot???" and she would then say ok, and proceed to polka. Until the last time, when she was like...

Ok, ok. I admit. It sounded (much) funnier in my head the way I remembered it...

So, I feel the need to get away. I feel...trapped by Clemson. Odd. Normally I like being here...lately though I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest and it's hard to breathe. I had planned 2 quick trips...one to Charleston the weekend after next and then a even quicker trip to Florida...and after that a longer stint in the Atl. I've preemptively cancelled one of those...no need to guess which, huh? I think in my head I know it would be rude to be in some one's home state...in their city and not make an effort to say hello. At the same time I know no good can come of that hello...and even less good can come of the good-bye that must follow. Especially since it's a real good-bye, not the general see-you-later variety. So it's best if I stay out of the Sunshine State. At least for now.

I am uber-excited about seeing Atl again. It feels like it's been forever since I drove down 85 South into the city. I miss it. I'd move in a second if I could. Atlanta just feels like home when I'm there. I feel like there's nothing I couldn't do if that were my residence...like having a 404 or 770 number would afford me different opportunities than the 864 one I have now. Like living downtown would bring me a different life...being around other young people with the same kind of drive and determination I have would push me to do better...be better. Of course, I get the same kind of feeling from DC...only when I'm there I have to admit there's a little it of fear. I'd be a real, live city girl in DC. A small fish in a really big...highly populated pond. And that, makes me nervous. But I do like the idea of "metro-ing" everywhere and hailing a cab in the district to have coffee with friends from work. And buying a townhouse that costs more than my entire string of educations...even if you multiplied them by themselves...and loving every second of not needing a car. At the same time though, I'm 8 hours away from everything I've ever loved...and what if something happens...then what??? Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I'd put my big girl panties on and take a plane...and just deal. (Side note, I never realized what an offensive word 'panties' was until just...now). However, it's not like I have to make a decision now...

Let's see...what's new. I'm not motivated at all do do work for my strategic communications class. I am going to do the work...it's just hard to make myself do the reading...and the writing. Boo. I'm also realizing that the I need more to do. As a result I'm going to resume the knitting I'd postponed because there were more important things to do...and I'm buying more Wii games. I figure if I have to sit in front of my tv I should have a Wii remote in my hand to prevent the unnecessary snacking that just seems to go with tv watching in my apartment.

That is all. For now..For today at the very least. I've errands to run and laundry to do...an apartment to clean. Being an adult feels had these days...boo to adulthood. I just wanna play...

One for the money...

I'm at work. yay. It is nice to have a job to go to...because the current state of things could have it another way. It's raining outside. Very dreary. I feel like I should be in bed...or at the very least on my sofa, taking in the best that afternoon television has to offer...and by that I mean shows in syndication that I've already seen at least 3 or 4 times. It's hard to be motivated to do something other than this when all you see outside are raindrops that mock you like tears from heaven. It's sad...

I'll be working out today. I'm actually craving something that allows me to move. The treadclimber at Gold's is a-mazing! I've lost 3 pounds so far and while I would love to have one in my home, I'm at least 7 g's away from bringing that gym quality machine through my front door. The "settle" will be a treadmill...but I'm not sure which one. I think it would be a lot easier to get in the extra cardio if I could do it in front of my tv at home instead of dragging myself out into the elements that create SC winters. I think I'll venture out and try some out at Sears and see what I come up with.

Did you watch the Bachelor last night??? I'm actually watching the very end of it now since I decided sleep was a much better option than watching that poor guy hand out the roses. (side note, I also watched The City and Daddy's Girls at work before the last bit of this...and I must say I almost shed a tear at the end of Daddy's Girl's. Such a sweet show...) I am frightened for Jason...really scared. Especially when I watch the previews for the rest of the season and I see Deanna comes back!!! WOW! Just when I thought I'd make a clean break away from reality tv...I've been sucked back in. And by a show devoted to finding love no less. Good luck Jason, good luck...

So, on the agenda for today. Work. Ehh. Lunch at some point and then later a snack and the gym for as long as I can stand it. Home to a big juicy salad (don't be a hater, you know you want one too...) and then comfy and on the couch for the premiere for Season 5, part 2 of Nip/Tuck. Don't call me after 9:30 because at that point, I no longer know you.

Later babes...

"i think my being single has a lot to do with fear on the guys part. what he doesn't realize however is that right before the relationship begins there is all kinds of fear. fear of forever and all that. but it's the good kind. not so much the good kind of fear when you wake up next to a poor man's Banana and go..."crap...i'm stuck. what have i done???" that my friend is the bad kind of fear. so if I were him, I'd take my chances with the good fear...after all forever is a long time to wear the wrong ring..."

Like Def Jam and Hova...

So, I'm in the car. The new whip...aka Juan Carlos (this car is a EX V6 Accord...very aggressive yet smooth, like a Spanish guy) and I think I'd like to take a break from the Luda and David Banner and T.I. I've been listening to on constant repeat since I've had the car. I skip to the John Legend. Hot beats...nice lyrics. And then it hits me...this album is the music anthology to that relationship. Damn it all... but you know, like Bobby and Whitney, except without the kiddies...


We ova...


32 days. What's a girl to do??? I'm thinking retail therapy and lots of running... Any and all other suggestions are welcome.

So, the new year is here. yay. I cannot find much to be happy about. Obama takes office in 15 days (YAY) and I'm all about Bush packing his [things] and exiting the White House as quickly as possible. I think he should hold a press conference and announce that he is leaving earlier than planned. It seems that he has mentally checked out (as if he were ever mentally checked in to begin with...) so to speak as this Israel-Gaza thing gets worse. I'm all about keeping tradition, but I think we need Obama sooner rather than later...and by sooner I mean 2 weeks ago. Bush...how many boxes will you be needing??? I think I can take leave for a few days to help expedite this process...

This 2009 thing came a bit sooner than I had expected. In October it seemed a so far away...and now its...here. I wasn't prepared. I'm not making resolutions. It's hard to make those when you are already so perfectly behaved. The evil formerly known as my tooth is gone, which means if I had made resolutions one of them would be to lose the 5...maybe 6 pounds I'd gained since I had regained the ability to chew. Other than that however, I've nothing in my life that I want to change...and if I did, New Years isn't the time to start them. All the vices I have I'll need to get through the next aforementioned 32 days. Something tells me I picked the wrong time to give up drinking... I'm kidding about that (ok...ok...maybe only a little...).

Let's see...its been awhile, so here's the quick list of what's been going on...

*I hit a deer. A doe. A female deer. She killed Bubbles. Consequently I bought the new whip, which I am in love with. Dark gray, 18 inch alloys...leather...heated seats and a sunroof. As Jim Jones would say..."Ballin'"

*I had an infected tooth. It was evil. Now its gone. They did let me keep it...which grosses most people out, but for the record I did toss it 2 days later. It wasn't as much of a novelty as I had thought.

*I had an allergic reaction. I thought I would die. I am quite thankful for Zo, since he rescued me from both the allergic reaction and the deer fiasco. It was Thai food. But, I've eaten it again (several times over...) since then and I didn't die.

*I bought 14 pairs of shoes. Yes, 14. Including Sperry galoshes and BCBG red peep toe pumps. You can't buy class...but a classy lady can buy shoes ;)

*I went to the gun range on J's birthday. Awesome time. I shot a .22 handgun, .22 rifle and .23 rifle which almost took my face off. I loved every second of it though and can't wait to do it all over again.

*R is getting married. He called while I was in line at the pharmacy. I contemplated the following...drinking myself into a stupor, crying myself to sleep (not because I love him still but because even if I don't want him I'm no so sure all of my heart was ready for him to want someone else), driving to Florida...I've no idea what I've done once I got there. What I actualy did was to shed a few tears and then built a bridge and got over it. Even if my heart could open up for him again my brain would live in fear that the next would be the day that he'd change his mind. Best wishes...

*I'm getting A's in my grad classes. Your girl is brilliant...as if you needed any more proof...

*Gram is doing awesome.

And now... I'm watching the Bachelor and drinking my 8th glass of water for the day. I'll likely have some animal crackers sometime between now and the rose ceremony...you know, just in case you're wondering.

I'll be back tomorrow, because...you know, I realized in my hiatus that I need this just as much as I need to breathe. It's good to have a place to vent.

I'm the last of a dying breed...

We can't be friends...

That RL/Deborah Cox song is still the truth year later... It's true what they say though, we can't....

It's hard to let go of the very thing that God himself is trying tear you from when you know that it's the very thing you need to let go...especially when it feels like that's the very thing that you need to survive. Maybe that's a bit much...maybe I don't need it to survive, but I have to admit that it made the breathing easier. I guess I should have taken my own advice (can you do that really...take your own advice. I mean, if it comes from you it's not so much advice is it???) and remembered that its not what they (and by they I mean guys) do, it's what they say. Actions are a cover....disguise if you will, for the guilt we feel for saying the truth. Words speak louder. Loud and clear...

Grandma says that you no one can do any more to you than you let them. That's a very true statement. At what point though, do you step in and stop yourself from being mistreated? What happened to someone else saying, "Wait, this is wrong...let me stop myself...."??? I guess that kind of accountability is gone...along with guys that follow through, and mean what they say, and open doors and whatnot. And females that are real women instead of overdeveloped 8 year olds that want what you have just because its yours. I wish I had stepped in wayyyyy before now. But I was afraid. Of losing that thing that I was never in possession of in the first place. So, I'm hurt. But not because I lost anything per se...just let go for something I wasn't really holding in the first place. Empty handed all along I guess, but admitting that was the hard part...

On a happier note... OBAMA WON!!!! Hells yeah, hells yeah... I'm trying to refrain from doing the cabbage patch down the hallway right now. Actin' like I've been somewhere as my Grandma would say. I'm excited though. This is a BIG moment in history....and I was there. My grandma, who still has her first voter registration card....never missed an election....remembers when she couldn't sit in a restaurant or the front of the bus, cried last night because this was the vote that counted-more than all the others. In the same century that MLK and Malcolm X are assassinated we have a Black man elected as the President of the United States. Wow... I didn't think I would see this in my lifetime, much less be in a position to have kids and honestly tell them that they can be whatever it is that they want to be. America is changing. Sometimes it doesn't look too good, but it's looking better. I'm proud to be an American...more so today than any other day in my whole life.

I agree with the philosopher Jagger....who said, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try you might find you'll get what you need".

Love lockdown...

I can't love you and me too...


I mean...that's not the truth. I can, I just choose not to---any longer. Just like I'm not too proud to beg, I just choose not to. Not for forgiveness, attention, time, affection...none of that. You have got to be kidding me...


This heart is officially closed for business. Hence the title of this text. I'm saving myself from myself and putting on the cape to save the world from what will happen if it manages to get broken again. I'm not unlovable I'm sure. Just hard to love maybe, but that doesn't mean that I deserve, in any way, what I've been through. And, I'm tired. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is for the best if only for now. Maybe there will be an "open" sign in the storefront again someday... Just won't be tomorrow...and I wouldn't count on the day after that either.


Something about spending the greater part of your real adult life "connected" to someone... You know instantly when they've, unplugged, so to speak. It wasn't as if I just noticed. I knew the minute it happened. I just couldn't pinpoint what it was that caused...that. And the thought of talking about it here could bring tears to my eyes and down my cheeks before I'd even realized they'd started. It felt like I'd been pushed off someplace real high without anything to catch me. It was hard to breathe...and I was scared. I cried for along time that day. But, what's done is done, right? You can't bring someone back to a place where they don't even remember ever having been to. It's been over...many, many times. But I guess now, I now for sure. It's been real, and it's been fun. And at times it was real fun...

So, I'm planning to stimulate the economy. Every little bit helps, right??? So far, on my list of things to buy, I have a new television, new fall boots, a fiberbed and a Wii. I'm also toying with the idea of buying a new digital camera and some accessories for the apartment. I like shopping...but I must admit that it does not have the same appeal that it had when I could do it in the A. I want to travel down for a few days next week and hit the old hotspots...Sage, Market and Perimeter Mall. It's all about that time for a tattoo touch up...but that drive to Athens feels like it takes forever. Even though it's not as long as the one to the heart of Atlanta. Also, there's a fear that I'll be convinced to get another while I'm there. And I'm fresh out of places where the new addition could hide. And I'm not down with visible tats...not for girls...with regular jobs and whatnot.

I'm eating diet food again...ugh. This is about as much fun as...well...no fun at all. So far I'm down 4 pounds. Yay!!! Which means that I'm forcing myself to achieve a weight that I'm sure my body won't like. See, here's the problem...about 3 weeks ago I noticed a "shift" in the weight in my body. that's right, its moved. To new places. Places it was not allowed to go. Mostly the old new weight decided to reside in my hips and thighs...and now it won't go away. So, back to the diet food...and running...and walking..and squats and lunges...this is not fun by the way, but necessary. I've consulted with all my 30-something friends and apparently this is what happens the close you get to 30. Boooooooo....

I'm out, for now. Take care...

Boys, bring your capes...

'Cause the girls are bringing the kryptonite...

Hey...I'm talking to you...and you...

Somethings got to give... Either we can't be friends or she has got to go. And since I already have my things packed-my guess is it'll likely be me. Even though I was there first...I'll gladly give up my seat to the someone you would rather have keep it warm. I want to see you happy even if it's not with me. That is not however, my first choice.

So, I see you can't keep your hands out of the cookie jar. Well, I didn't take you as the sweet tooth type. In fact, I was sure bananas were your thing. Since this is not the first time I've been wrong, I'll concede victory on that point ans this one too... I thought you were a decent individual. Damn, it is so rare that I'm wrong twice in a row. LOL...good news for me in the game I'm playing all deuces are wild...

I need to purchase some sympathy cards. You know, for these [females] that are dying to be me. I think it's absolutely ok for you to partake in my [leftovers] if you so choose. However, I must let you know that there was a reason that the [persons] in question became my castoffs in the first place. And-might I add-it just makes you look bad. But, to be honest-it wasn't as if you needed much help in that department in the first place...

Boys are stupid. Guys too. And men even. Though I'm not sure I know of any members of the male sex who fit into that last category. I'm sure there are at least a few of them...and if I ever meet one, I'll let you know. In the past few months there have been a slew of songs celebrating what society has branded the "independent woman". This woman is a person who has her own life...a job which affords her to buy whatever she likes...and has fun with her friends...pays her own bills...and sometimes buys her man dinner and items with with to entertain and dress himself. Funny, where I come from that was just called a "woman". No need for the "independent" part. Much less the gang of songwriters who want to sing her praises. After all, it was the girl in the back of the video emptying a bottle of Dom over her head and shaking it like a salt shaker to pay her rent that created a need from women who didn't do that type of thing to solidify her place in the world. And we did that by buying our own cars...and houses...and paying out own light bills. The funny thing about that this is that it wasn't cool for a while. Guys needed to be needed and didn't like the "independent-I-don't-need-a-man" types. But, with the economic downturn that is bleeding America dry, it seems the guys appreciate a woman who does things for herself. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact they are broke?? Or maybe they realized that if they didn't start celebrating us that we would continue to remain unmarried...and if we did decide to get married...it would likely be to a man whose race did not match our own...

Don't hate the player...hate "the game"...remix...

***This is the remix... I didn't mean to post this until I made some additions and a few much needed edits. Enjoy...***

And by "The Game" I mean the show. And I don't hate it. I just don't like it very much right now.

So, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I knew that I missed my ex. It's only logical that I would miss him. I've known him as long as I've known myself. And by that I mean 9 years. When he graduated and moved away it hurt just like it used to back then...when we lived apart and after a visit he would go back home. Except then I knew it would be just a few weeks before he'd be back-and those tears were just what I did ( I did a lot of crying back in the day)...and now it's not like that. I cried when he left. Harder and longer that I have in a while. And since that time has passed I realized I loved a boy that wouldn't ever love me back...and I don't know how to stop loving him...and even that didn't make me cry as much as the day he went away. The pickle is that I didn't know exactly how much I missed him until just now. Almost right this very second. And it's a lot. And it hurts. A pretty good bit.

I passed up a chance to see him this week-end. It was the right thing to do. It was the adult thing to do. It was the hard thing to do. I couldn't see him knowing that he would likely say things he shouldn't and then go back to someone who isn't me. The someone else part is the part I'm most ok with. The saying things he shouldn't is the hard part. Because as much as I don't want to hear them...and don't want to believe them---part of me needs to know those things he thinks and only has the courage to say when he sees me. Of course I know those things are not the kind of things I need to hear. Those things will send be back to a place that I visit enough on my own without a free trip there courtesy of a getting things off my chest moment from him. I know there will always be things we shouldn't say...but that has never meant you couldn't think them.

I moved on. And then back. And then on. And then back. And now on. It's hard to spend the night with someone who doesn't understand the concept of a cuddle. I haven't had a good cuddle in over a year. And I'm adorable. I deserve a good cuddle. I miss the cuddles and I miss the kisses. I miss the dates and dinners. But mostly I miss the company. I miss those moments when you're in the same room not saying anything but feeling like it was a great time spent together. It's difficult to think of the person you once loved more than yourself with those arms wrapped around a person who didn't help them grow...doesn't understand where the strength comes from that helped him hold you. To think of him looking at her when he wakes up and telling her she's beautiful. And you very well might be...but she's no me. I try not to think about those things-but its hard. I tell myself (not as often as before but still more often than I would like) that I can't go back there. With him or anyone else...to the place or time when I love another person more than I love me. But I could go to a place where we both love just as we should. Though I don't think the ex is allowed in that place with me either. We...he and I...likely won't ever be. Which is sad since we are completely different people than we were when we were...together. Things didn't work between those two...but maybe it could work now. Except I can't take the chance that it won't...and what's worse I can't take the chance that it would.

Which is why I can't see him. I can't say he won't say... And I don't know that I'll have the strength to say... And then what can I say...when I'm crying so hard I can't say... Or when I'm smiling so big words aren't necessary... I don't know. For now it's best to stay apart. Until I know for sure that one option isn't an option anymore...

The show comes in.........here. Melaine and Derwin were together and the apart and now together. Some of the same roller coaster type things that he and I went through. And now I see them Mel and Derwin) and it makes me think that maybe he and I could make it... Then reality bites...and I remember that I'm not the one who left me...and I strengthen my resolve to stay strong and not love him. Even in those moments when every fiber of my being is saying that I should...and still do...and always will. I'm not so sure that I believe those fibers though...but then again I've no reason not to either.

And now I've got that Ne-Yo and Rihanna song stuck in my head...

I do hate the game...I do...I really, really do...