What happens in the dark...

...will eventually show up in the mini feed.

What do I look like...captain save a relationship??? You gotta be kidding me...

So, my ex is married. Congrats. So thrilled for the both of them...really. While I don't necessarily agree with his decision I am actually happy for him. Finding the person that you are meant to be with is one of God's greatest blessings...and I can't hate on anyone for feeling as if they have found that. I don't agree with the decision for a multitude of reasons...none of which are the standard, "he should be with me". Those reasons are more along the line of "that's not what I would have done..." So, he's married and I'm happy that he's happy. yay. Really.

We still talk...*gasp*. Not so frequently as to create a problem but enough that I still consider him my friend. And if he were not married he'd be my best friend. The fact that he's married really throws the whole best friend thing for a loop because I can imagine that it would annoy his spouse that I can finish his sentences and that he knows I'm about to say something well before I actually have the words formulated in my head. Scary...

We are friends and apparently, this is a problem. Not for me...and I'm sure not for him...but for every.one.else. According to the masses I'm "disrespecting their marriage", "entertaining his feelings for me" and "causing problems". wow. Now, normally I don't care what anyone else thinks. And to be honest, this is not really an exception. But I must explain because I'm tired of people judging me. don't.judge.me. It's not a good look for anyone.

I do not love him. At all. Anymore. Not even a little. He will always have a very special place in my heart and my life because of all the time we've known each other. We stood by each other and loved each other through 6...almost 7 years. I can't imagine what life would be like if I couldn't ever talk to him or couldn't share in the moments in his life that make him happy...and he share in mine. If I wanted to complicate his marriage...or the relationship that led to the nuptials, I'd have done so. And please trust that I wouldn't be plotting and planning here in SC when he's 7+ hours away. What kind of sense does that make??? Furthermore, that's not who I am... I am however the type of person who refuses to cut off my nose to spite my face...and ending a friendship with someone who knows me as well as I know myself (better in some cases) would hurt far more than ending the actual relationship ever did.

Someone posed the question, "how would you feel if you were her..." and the answer to that question is "not as smart as the (awesome) femme who pens this blog..." . Seriously. If I were her, there's a whole lot about this situation that would different. That aside, I'd feel like this..."..." I don't care. I'm not like a lot of people. I'm not like a lot of females. Women get all bent out of shape when another female intrudes on their "man space". It becomes a battle of wills...lots of name calling and being bitter. All because he wanted to have a friend that had a vagina...and you, as the woman in his life is mad because you think what he's interested in is the vagina...and in all actuality...he's interested in having someone else to talk to besides...well, you. Granted, when I was younger, I fell into that category. Now, not so much. Go. Talk. Make friends. Do whatever it takes to get you off my (very comfy) sofa where you sit and stare at me like I'm the most awesome thing ever created (I might be, but please, go somewhere). I'm all about whomever I'm dating (married to should that occur one day) having friends. Whatever the sex. Because I've learned...the hard way...that you can't s top a boy from letting his penis wander. So, while she may fear that a) I want her husband and b) he wants me back... I'd like to say that c) none of that is true...and d) if you didn't know that already-you might want to rethink the vows. I'm just sayin'...

Enough with the "..."

Now.. I'll admit that I have no idea where he stands in the emotions area. But I would like say that in all his shortcomings The Ex has never been the type of guy to take marriage anything less than very serious. He's a good person. I'm sure he is an excellent husband. And I'm also sure that even if he did carry a torch for me he wouldn't have married her...and if he did, that's his bad...but that has nothing to do with me. Can't help it that I'm amazing. And...if all of that hasn't cleared up the "why are you still talking to him" issue...I leave you this: he is far more entertaining than the rest of you...and since when did Blackberry Messenger count as talking???...and why are you all in my business???...you want to pay the cellular bill???...it's due by the 10th and late after the 15th.

I want people to re-think what they post on Facebook. If you can't stop the virtual spewing of feelings and posting of pictures and new relationships then I ask that you change your privacy settings such that everything you get into does not show up on my mini feed. If you want to treat me like I don't know...then create a situation where I will actually not know. And, truthfully...Facebook is not that serious and I could honestly care less. It's just that it's in poor taste to behave in the way people do...and then act all different later like...it's not all online in e'rbody's mini feed. As classy as I keep it, it would be in poor taste for me not to let you know. If you plan to run game...keep your game tight...

In other news...

There isn't any. Keep it movin'

Man up...

Seriously.

I'm not quite sure why I waited over an hour for my little brother to come and change my flat tire (and take it to get it repaired) while a (seemingly) perfectly good and able bodied guy was sitting, like...right there. In the moment, I think I was too irritated with Honda's and State Farm's lack of concern for my deflated tire...and so it didn't dawn on me that the person with whom I'd dined could have at least offered. Now, I'm as independent as they come and as such I am completely capable of changing my own tire. I just...won't. And in that moment, heels and nice jeans be damned, I would have jacked Juan Carlos up and changed his socks and shoes...but I didn't want to shame the guy...and had he attempted to help after not helping before, I'd have had to make him walk back to where he came from...

*news flash...it appears that the aforementioned person is off the market. I'm totally crying a river over this one... and by totally I mean not...* and the importance of that notification is made even more clear by the fact I typed in it all lower case...well, except for the "I"...because those refer to Me...and no matter what, I'm always important...even if the thing I'm speaking of is not... moving on...

Let's see...what's new???

Only a couple more weeks until the end of the semester. This bittersweet. Sweet because who doesn't love summer vacay...and bitter because well, I'll be taking classes (finishing up thesis and taking anatomy) and because all my favs will be leaving me :( I never thought I'd love this many more people. It's hard to imagine life without seeing these people all the time like I do now. And yes, we are all moving in to bigger and better things...but that doesn't mean that I'll miss them any less.

I'm also back to 2-a-days in the gym. Not excited about those. I'm SO sick of seeing myself all plump in these pictures people keep posting on Facebook. I am not plump...but the camera adds 10 pounds, which is exactly why I keep insisting that people not take photos. And furthermore if they must take the pictures why do they have to tag them??? Its one thing for you to have a memento of the moment post lunch when I was not at my thinnest moment of the day...another thing entirely for you to post that pic online and tag it so that everyone and their momma can see it. So, I figure if I want to look my real weight in pictures then I have to lose like 10...15 more pounds. I have no idea where this weight will come from...especially since my trainer has explained to me (at length) that I really only have about 5 more pounds that I can lose and maintain. Whatev...

I guess I should at least look like I'm working. So, here goes...

Have a good one...no really, I mean it.

I Put On...

***This week in history the #1 song---none other than "Bust a Move" by Young MC...download your piece of history today***

Go play somewhere I'm busy...

Any ideas on the best way to tell someone, "hey, you've f'ed up...now, go away..." without, you know, sounding all mean and whatnot...

I'm still on the relationship rant.

Why is it that it's females (I would have said women, but that's a topic that should be saved for another day...) that are expected to be the ones to be emotionally resilient??? To have hearts that are covered in fortitude??? To experience treatment that is beyond cruel and still smile and accept your best (but still lame...) efforts at "game"???

Granted, guys have their hearts broken too. I know some guys who have been through some pretty tough and tight spots with females...and my heart goes out to them. But this is not about them...

I think the issue is that since females are the more emotional sex then we are expected to be "willing"...for lack of a better word...to put ourselves out there in the name of love. And because guys are the more non-emotional sex then it's a bigger deal for them to step out on the emotional ledge. And therefore women should be appreciative of their emotional efforts. Can I step out on a ledge and say...bullshit??? Well, I mean...it is, bullshit. Just because mean don't love as often or as hard does not mean that we have to treat each effort at opening up like a lunar eclipse.

Am I happy for you that you opened up. Of course... But that does not mean that you get a steak and a blow job for doing so. In a relationship you are supposed to open up to your significant other. That's a lot of what he/she is there for...for you to talk to, be supported by...encouraged by. If you don't let them in-they will be out (obviously)...and you know what happens when you leave something valuable outside??? Someone else will come a long and scoop it up. So, fellas...tell your girl (or guy if that's how you get down) what you're feeling. It's ok. Really. And some, ahem, females, need to take that advice too. What's so wrong with opening up and being vulnerable??? Oh, You're afraid you'll be hurt... Well, that's understandable. I'm not advocating opening yourself up all willy nilly to very Tom, Dick and Sally that is available. I am however asking that you use your good judgement. If this person has shown him/her-self as a good person...take a risk. It will pay off...

That said let me tell you this...

Women (in general and myself included )care not about who you think we want/need you to be. We care about who you are...and believe that you will be a great person (and are a fantastic person now) when you get where you are going. All we ask is that you allow us to come along for the ride... Not trying to get in your way...just want a bird's eye view of the journey to where you want to be...

I'm sorry...

...that you feel that way. I am not sorry for what I'm about to say... Not for the weak hearted.

I am not perfect. That was tough as all get out to admit, but it's true. But because I'm not perfect it doesn't mean I have to accept whatever it is that you have to offer in the area of "interest". My philosophy is simple, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So, if you are slow to make a move, then you will also be slow to do other things...like take out the trash, take the car to get the oil changed and the like. It bothers me when people get married to guys (or ladies) and are all shocked at their behavior down the road. "I didn't know he was so possessive" or "I didn't know she wasn't going to clean the house". Well, remember when he got upset because you wanted to spend time with your girl who had just lost her momma but it was your anniversary??? or when you got into her car and it looked like a trash can had exploded in it??? See...signs. Signs are so very important. But usually you don't think to read them until they've already been passed.

I'm not that type of person. I have discarded a many of guy who got on my nerves...did something small, but stupid, forgot to call...whatever. Because while I don't expect him to be perfect-if you exhibit behavior that I consider undesirable, on any level, in a future mate, then you need to exit stage left. And, I'll admit that a lot of this has to do with the fact that most of my family has been or is unhappily married...and when they site reasons for their unhappiness, it's about a personality flaw that they should have recognized in their mate well before now. I mean, it's only so long any one can go and hide from anyone who they are. So, if he has the inability to follow through in mailing a graduate school application, I'm unsure that you'll remember to mail the water bill...and I'd hate to come home and discover the water has been turned off...

And I'd like to insert here that not everything is a deal breaker. You just have to be consistent. I'm consistent. So, I expect other people to be the same. If you aren't consistent then you can't be counted on...and I don't know if I can trust you, to pick up a half gallon of milk on the way over...or more importantly with my heart. All I ask is that you exhibit your best behavior up front. Don't lie...but don't act like it's cool to be despondent. Once you're in, you are in. But if you get as far as the front porch and don't act pleased to be there...don't even bothering stepping on the lawn, much less coming up the driveway. If however, I let you past the front door...you're golden.

That said, I have fully accepted the fact that I may end up alone. That's ok...because not everyone is meant to be all coupled up. You are however meant to be happy...and if I gotta ride solo to make that happen, then I have no problem trading in my sedan for a 2-door...because all I need room for is me and my ego...

Rockin' that...

Love that song... You might see me do a little more than two step if you happen to catch me out :)

So, what's new???

I wish guys would understand 2 very important things: momentum and what "pre-heat" means... Once you say you like a girl, the work is not over. Here's a new concept...keep.going. If you paid attention in physics class then you should know that momentum is a good thing as long as its a positive flow of energy. Once you lose it, figuratively speaking, its nearly impossible to get it back. So, while she may have liked you 2 weeks ago when you were speaking regularly, maybe not so much when you're been silent (for whatever reason). Out of sight, out of mind. If you want to be all I can see, make sure I don't forget you. If I do, I'm likely to remember alright...remember how great life was without you after all. And, if you pre-heat the oven before you put in the roast, it might actually finish cooking. No one wants a roast that isn't "well done" in the middle...if you get my drift...

I'm better at this than you aren't I???

I've been going back in time with my musical tastes. Downloaded some old school school Destiny's Child, you know, back when there were 4 members and Beyonce had cornrows, and some 112 and Jagged Edge. It's been nice listening to old songs and recalling memories that are forever intertwined with those lyrics. TP2.com, the 2 disc version... Or Ginuwine..."Same Old G"...All the old school Timbaland tracks. I loved that music. I'm seriously considering going to Best Buy buying a dozen CD's that were released circa 2002.

On to other news...

I just spent $60...yes, $60 purchasing a guy at date auction that I can technically see for free. Call me crazy. I did it for 2 reasons. 1) L wanted this particular guy to participate...and he was being non-compliant so I offered and 2) It was SO much fun because no one knew who I was...and so my anonymity added to my personal excitement. I just want to know one thing....how is it that you chicken out @ $61??? I mean, really. Money well spent...but I wish I'd have gotten a receipt for my taxes. And no...I won't actually be going on a date with the guy I purchased. That was for appearances only. I do however hope that he has a great time with whomever he winds up using that date coupon on :)

I just wanna let you know/That I gotta crush on you...

Bye...

Win, lose...or draw...

Technically a draw means you both lost. I mean, if you can't determine a winner...then what else is there???

For the record, I won.

Things have been...busy to say the least. I had an allergic reaction about a week ago. I'm not sure if it was the sage (that I know I'm allergic to, but ate anyway) in the turkey or the avocado (that I've eaten before and didn't almost die from...but in my life that doesn't mean much...) that caused my tongue to swell up and turned red like it had been burned. Fun? Not so much. I'm all better now...but that was tough going. K came for a visit this past weekend...and she was here a couple weeks before that as well. Lots of fun. My favorite part of the week-end was when she flashed her ring to the single guys in the bar. It was like kryptonite :) but in a good way.

It's always good having someone from your "past" come to visit. Especially when she brings a box full of pictures that document almost every embarrassing moment from your undergraduate career...from dancing on someone's coffee table in a tube tube top, jeans so tight I'm sure I shouldn't have been wearing them and a "to-go" cup lof liquor...to the tomboy stage that lasted for about 3 years in undergrad (which, if I told people now that I used to wear the ex's sweats and t-shirts almost exclusively unless the occasion demanded I look like I a girl, they wouldn't believe me...). I loved looking back on those moments (the orange hoodie...GSS pinning...I was that drunk???) and remembering that stories that went along with them. She had a few valid points about my personality... She thinks I should not always say what I'm thinking---more so I should find the happy medium between standing up for myself and being a b*^%h and that instead of taking care of everyone I should focus more on who is going to take care of me.

I'd like to point out that this has been a focus of mine for quite sometime...finding who will take of me. But it's most important to me that I do what I've been taught and to stay true to the core of who I am. Who I am is all about taking care of people, doing what I can do to see them be they best they can be...and as a result I feel the best about myself. There is a big part of me that is selfish...I grew up as an only child, so that only make sense that I'm not so big on sharing. But there's an even bigger part of me that's affectionate and giving because I've seen so many other people give for me. Maybe I should focus even more on finding that person who will give me just as much as I give to them...but I'm a huge believer that what you put out into the universe will come back to you...the good and the bad. And as much good as I've put out there, what's right around the corner is worth waiting for. And worth waiting for it to find me...

Peace...

To Whom It May Concern...

Memorandum

To: The 2nd in Command of Heartbreak
From: The Best of Me

It's been brought to my attention via your actions of late that you no longer wish to be employed here. Should you need examples of the behavior that lead to this decision, allow me to offer you these: not showing up for work, not showing up for work on time, failure to complete assigned work and not being a team player. I want to let you know that it is with some measure of sadness that I have to inform you that the company has decided that it is no longer in its best interest to have you work here; so, we must let you go.

Your work here was not without merit. Some of your contributions will live on longer after your desk has been cleaned out and your security badge returned. The things that you taught the company about itself, such as it's ability to invest even after other investments have gone sour, to give partnerships we would have otherwise ignored because of prior convictions a chance and to always remember that hard work must be it's own reward. I must note that there are things about you that shall not be missed. I cannot allow you to leave without these points of constructive criticism: returning phone calls and messages is of the utmost importance to the mission of the company-which is first and foremost to provide outstanding customer service-and in failing to do so, you have "dropped the ball" in communication which cannot be tolerated, and giving just enough to get by is of no benefit to you or the company-thus if you cannot give a job your everything, then why give it anything at all? I am sad to say that had you invested more time in the company you would have seen that the company had much more to offer you than what you see on the surface. There any many benefits to be had here-a few of which you had the pleasure of sampling, however because of your untimely departure you will be unable to fully appreciate those benefits.

You have been with the company for over 3 years now and we want to let you know that some of our favorite memories of the work that was done here involve you and as such you will be missed. Because of recent budget cuts, we are unable to offer you a severance package. However, I do not think this will effect you at all--you always seemed like the type who would always land on his feet.

God's speed and goodbye.


Goodbyes always seem so final...but in this case it fits. Goodbye.