Take off...

I know your parents used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted. Right now, I want you to be gone...

I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm mean. I'm not mean spirited or coldhearted. It's more like I'm really not nice. There are 2 kinds of people: people I like and everyone else. Once I like you, you're in. But if I don't like you, or if I like you and then stop liking you... Well, you know how they say the grass is greener on the other side? No only is it not greener on the side of "everyone else", but there's no grass at all. Just a bunch of lames. fronts. skeezers and scandalous stunts.

I don't enjoy being mean. I just feel driven to it by the behaviors of those around me. I mean, don't I look like I don't play??? I practically have "GO AWAY" in big bold letters on the doormat of my personality. Seriously. If I want to talk to you I will let you know. We can even develop a signal...a code if you will. If (not when) I want to talk to you I will start talking to you first. Unless I initiate conversation then the signal has not been given and we should not be engaging in conversation.

I'm making a list. Not my list to Santa (which, I'm far too grown to be writing but, if I did at the very top of my list would be a request for a better boy than the one he left me last year...and should he feel the need to re-gift this same boy to me this year, could be please make sure the modifications stick this time...and that the refurbished model is as functional as a new one would be...) but a more in depth list. Have you seen Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married"??? The movie---not the play. I'm sure the play is similar to the movie but for the sake of what I'm about to say it's the movie version that is most relevant. There's a part in there where the wife of the chick married to the doctor makes a list of all the good her man has ever done and all the bad he has ever done. If the bad outweighs the good then she should let him go...but if the good outweighs the bad then she go back to him and make it work. That's the list I'm making...

I will let you know how it comes out...

...you did me dirty but I ain't mad at all. bottom line, I hope you find what you searching for...

I'm back...again

I've been gone for a minute, but I'm back now. I've tried a couple different ways to bring you up to speed, but everything keeps getting lost in translation.

a few things-detailing the details of the past 8 months.

1) Grandma had a stroke. Shocking as it was in the moment it was less severe than it seems in those seconds that pass slow like hours. She is all better now...sassy as ever.

2) I had a mole removed. 4 actually. 1 was more problematic than I had anticipated. 36 stitches, 4 days in bed and 4 months later I'm not out of the woods yet. 2 more moles. 1 surgery. I will let you know how it goes.

3) I still hate my job. Yes, both of them. I acquired a 3rd. Teaching. Now that, I love.

4) He's still around. I thought there would be an exit stage left after May, but not so much. This summer and the months since have been harder on me than I'm willing to admit to anyone (except my therapist) or anything (except this blog). I hate that I love him. And because it's an unrequited love if there ever were one, I'm going to end up hating him before the curtain closes.

5) When God closes a door, he opens a window. My window is more like an awesome set of french doors that have me doubled over in laughter daily. I never thought I'd meet another person as awesome as me...and then I did.

6) Despite the aforementioned, I don't talk to God very often anymore. I am sad about this but not so sad that I'm doing anything about it. I'm working on accepting that the very love that should never hurt causes more pain than I know what to do with.

7) As far as I know my ex is still married. I haven't talked to him in over 4 months and I must say, I don't miss him...but I thought I would. I hoped that the change in action would be backed by changes in the person behind the action. Not so much...

7 a) Step away from the facebook message box. and the Blackberry Messenger. I do not want to talk to you. Maybe ever. But definitely not now.

8) My hair is still short. Despite all requests for it not to be it-it will remain that way...at least for the foreseeable future

9) I have not acquired any new tattoos. I want one, 2 actually but haven't been able to find exactly what I want and I'm not in love with the freestyle work I've seen lately. So, I will keep looking.

10) Best friends are those that stick with you in the middle of the storm and are willing to share their umbrella. You have some people who will be with you in the rain, but aren't willing to get a little wet to see you stay a little dry...

like a boy...

It's like this

I like a boy. I liked this boy. And then one day I discovered I might even love this boy.
But the last boy broke a soft heart and made it hard for this boy.
So I act hard so he won't think I'm soft.

Those other boys, those past boys took me to school and taught me well.
The lessons were hard...some hurt and some cut me and some made me bleed.
But those boys, those past boys taught me to dust off, get up...get back in the game.

Turns out, they didn't teach me anything I really needed to know.
Everything I need to know, it's true-I learned in kindergarten.
Except how to share. I overshare. So it's less like sharing and more like giving...my whole heart away.

My girls taught me how to be slick. be cute. be sly. taught me how to lie...like a boy.
They make sure I always keep a spare. Another boy, in case the boy I like decides he doesn't like me.

I think like a boy. I like this boy. Liked this boy. Loved this boy. Until he acted just like a boy...
Forgot that girls have hearts too.

Like most boys, this boy and his boys run round like boys, chasing skirts.
Tossing change to girls who have mastered thinking like boys.
That's a boy hustle with girl swag.

So, there's this other boy. I don't like this boy...but he likes me.
It passes the time.
This boy, like most boys, doesn't care about that boy. And then, I don't either.

I liked this boy. Could have been a wife to this boy.
But like a boy I didn't see far enough ahead.
You see, I think like a boy...but I hurt just. like. a girl...

What happens in the dark...

...will eventually show up in the mini feed.

What do I look like...captain save a relationship??? You gotta be kidding me...

So, my ex is married. Congrats. So thrilled for the both of them...really. While I don't necessarily agree with his decision I am actually happy for him. Finding the person that you are meant to be with is one of God's greatest blessings...and I can't hate on anyone for feeling as if they have found that. I don't agree with the decision for a multitude of reasons...none of which are the standard, "he should be with me". Those reasons are more along the line of "that's not what I would have done..." So, he's married and I'm happy that he's happy. yay. Really.

We still talk...*gasp*. Not so frequently as to create a problem but enough that I still consider him my friend. And if he were not married he'd be my best friend. The fact that he's married really throws the whole best friend thing for a loop because I can imagine that it would annoy his spouse that I can finish his sentences and that he knows I'm about to say something well before I actually have the words formulated in my head. Scary...

We are friends and apparently, this is a problem. Not for me...and I'm sure not for him...but for every.one.else. According to the masses I'm "disrespecting their marriage", "entertaining his feelings for me" and "causing problems". wow. Now, normally I don't care what anyone else thinks. And to be honest, this is not really an exception. But I must explain because I'm tired of people judging me. don't.judge.me. It's not a good look for anyone.

I do not love him. At all. Anymore. Not even a little. He will always have a very special place in my heart and my life because of all the time we've known each other. We stood by each other and loved each other through 6...almost 7 years. I can't imagine what life would be like if I couldn't ever talk to him or couldn't share in the moments in his life that make him happy...and he share in mine. If I wanted to complicate his marriage...or the relationship that led to the nuptials, I'd have done so. And please trust that I wouldn't be plotting and planning here in SC when he's 7+ hours away. What kind of sense does that make??? Furthermore, that's not who I am... I am however the type of person who refuses to cut off my nose to spite my face...and ending a friendship with someone who knows me as well as I know myself (better in some cases) would hurt far more than ending the actual relationship ever did.

Someone posed the question, "how would you feel if you were her..." and the answer to that question is "not as smart as the (awesome) femme who pens this blog..." . Seriously. If I were her, there's a whole lot about this situation that would different. That aside, I'd feel like this..."..." I don't care. I'm not like a lot of people. I'm not like a lot of females. Women get all bent out of shape when another female intrudes on their "man space". It becomes a battle of wills...lots of name calling and being bitter. All because he wanted to have a friend that had a vagina...and you, as the woman in his life is mad because you think what he's interested in is the vagina...and in all actuality...he's interested in having someone else to talk to besides...well, you. Granted, when I was younger, I fell into that category. Now, not so much. Go. Talk. Make friends. Do whatever it takes to get you off my (very comfy) sofa where you sit and stare at me like I'm the most awesome thing ever created (I might be, but please, go somewhere). I'm all about whomever I'm dating (married to should that occur one day) having friends. Whatever the sex. Because I've learned...the hard way...that you can't s top a boy from letting his penis wander. So, while she may fear that a) I want her husband and b) he wants me back... I'd like to say that c) none of that is true...and d) if you didn't know that already-you might want to rethink the vows. I'm just sayin'...

Enough with the "..."

Now.. I'll admit that I have no idea where he stands in the emotions area. But I would like say that in all his shortcomings The Ex has never been the type of guy to take marriage anything less than very serious. He's a good person. I'm sure he is an excellent husband. And I'm also sure that even if he did carry a torch for me he wouldn't have married her...and if he did, that's his bad...but that has nothing to do with me. Can't help it that I'm amazing. And...if all of that hasn't cleared up the "why are you still talking to him" issue...I leave you this: he is far more entertaining than the rest of you...and since when did Blackberry Messenger count as talking???...and why are you all in my business???...you want to pay the cellular bill???...it's due by the 10th and late after the 15th.

I want people to re-think what they post on Facebook. If you can't stop the virtual spewing of feelings and posting of pictures and new relationships then I ask that you change your privacy settings such that everything you get into does not show up on my mini feed. If you want to treat me like I don't know...then create a situation where I will actually not know. And, truthfully...Facebook is not that serious and I could honestly care less. It's just that it's in poor taste to behave in the way people do...and then act all different later like...it's not all online in e'rbody's mini feed. As classy as I keep it, it would be in poor taste for me not to let you know. If you plan to run game...keep your game tight...

In other news...

There isn't any. Keep it movin'

Man up...

Seriously.

I'm not quite sure why I waited over an hour for my little brother to come and change my flat tire (and take it to get it repaired) while a (seemingly) perfectly good and able bodied guy was sitting, like...right there. In the moment, I think I was too irritated with Honda's and State Farm's lack of concern for my deflated tire...and so it didn't dawn on me that the person with whom I'd dined could have at least offered. Now, I'm as independent as they come and as such I am completely capable of changing my own tire. I just...won't. And in that moment, heels and nice jeans be damned, I would have jacked Juan Carlos up and changed his socks and shoes...but I didn't want to shame the guy...and had he attempted to help after not helping before, I'd have had to make him walk back to where he came from...

*news flash...it appears that the aforementioned person is off the market. I'm totally crying a river over this one... and by totally I mean not...* and the importance of that notification is made even more clear by the fact I typed in it all lower case...well, except for the "I"...because those refer to Me...and no matter what, I'm always important...even if the thing I'm speaking of is not... moving on...

Let's see...what's new???

Only a couple more weeks until the end of the semester. This bittersweet. Sweet because who doesn't love summer vacay...and bitter because well, I'll be taking classes (finishing up thesis and taking anatomy) and because all my favs will be leaving me :( I never thought I'd love this many more people. It's hard to imagine life without seeing these people all the time like I do now. And yes, we are all moving in to bigger and better things...but that doesn't mean that I'll miss them any less.

I'm also back to 2-a-days in the gym. Not excited about those. I'm SO sick of seeing myself all plump in these pictures people keep posting on Facebook. I am not plump...but the camera adds 10 pounds, which is exactly why I keep insisting that people not take photos. And furthermore if they must take the pictures why do they have to tag them??? Its one thing for you to have a memento of the moment post lunch when I was not at my thinnest moment of the day...another thing entirely for you to post that pic online and tag it so that everyone and their momma can see it. So, I figure if I want to look my real weight in pictures then I have to lose like 10...15 more pounds. I have no idea where this weight will come from...especially since my trainer has explained to me (at length) that I really only have about 5 more pounds that I can lose and maintain. Whatev...

I guess I should at least look like I'm working. So, here goes...

Have a good one...no really, I mean it.

I Put On...

***This week in history the #1 song---none other than "Bust a Move" by Young MC...download your piece of history today***

Go play somewhere I'm busy...

Any ideas on the best way to tell someone, "hey, you've f'ed up...now, go away..." without, you know, sounding all mean and whatnot...

I'm still on the relationship rant.

Why is it that it's females (I would have said women, but that's a topic that should be saved for another day...) that are expected to be the ones to be emotionally resilient??? To have hearts that are covered in fortitude??? To experience treatment that is beyond cruel and still smile and accept your best (but still lame...) efforts at "game"???

Granted, guys have their hearts broken too. I know some guys who have been through some pretty tough and tight spots with females...and my heart goes out to them. But this is not about them...

I think the issue is that since females are the more emotional sex then we are expected to be "willing"...for lack of a better word...to put ourselves out there in the name of love. And because guys are the more non-emotional sex then it's a bigger deal for them to step out on the emotional ledge. And therefore women should be appreciative of their emotional efforts. Can I step out on a ledge and say...bullshit??? Well, I mean...it is, bullshit. Just because mean don't love as often or as hard does not mean that we have to treat each effort at opening up like a lunar eclipse.

Am I happy for you that you opened up. Of course... But that does not mean that you get a steak and a blow job for doing so. In a relationship you are supposed to open up to your significant other. That's a lot of what he/she is there for...for you to talk to, be supported by...encouraged by. If you don't let them in-they will be out (obviously)...and you know what happens when you leave something valuable outside??? Someone else will come a long and scoop it up. So, fellas...tell your girl (or guy if that's how you get down) what you're feeling. It's ok. Really. And some, ahem, females, need to take that advice too. What's so wrong with opening up and being vulnerable??? Oh, You're afraid you'll be hurt... Well, that's understandable. I'm not advocating opening yourself up all willy nilly to very Tom, Dick and Sally that is available. I am however asking that you use your good judgement. If this person has shown him/her-self as a good person...take a risk. It will pay off...

That said let me tell you this...

Women (in general and myself included )care not about who you think we want/need you to be. We care about who you are...and believe that you will be a great person (and are a fantastic person now) when you get where you are going. All we ask is that you allow us to come along for the ride... Not trying to get in your way...just want a bird's eye view of the journey to where you want to be...

I'm sorry...

...that you feel that way. I am not sorry for what I'm about to say... Not for the weak hearted.

I am not perfect. That was tough as all get out to admit, but it's true. But because I'm not perfect it doesn't mean I have to accept whatever it is that you have to offer in the area of "interest". My philosophy is simple, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. So, if you are slow to make a move, then you will also be slow to do other things...like take out the trash, take the car to get the oil changed and the like. It bothers me when people get married to guys (or ladies) and are all shocked at their behavior down the road. "I didn't know he was so possessive" or "I didn't know she wasn't going to clean the house". Well, remember when he got upset because you wanted to spend time with your girl who had just lost her momma but it was your anniversary??? or when you got into her car and it looked like a trash can had exploded in it??? See...signs. Signs are so very important. But usually you don't think to read them until they've already been passed.

I'm not that type of person. I have discarded a many of guy who got on my nerves...did something small, but stupid, forgot to call...whatever. Because while I don't expect him to be perfect-if you exhibit behavior that I consider undesirable, on any level, in a future mate, then you need to exit stage left. And, I'll admit that a lot of this has to do with the fact that most of my family has been or is unhappily married...and when they site reasons for their unhappiness, it's about a personality flaw that they should have recognized in their mate well before now. I mean, it's only so long any one can go and hide from anyone who they are. So, if he has the inability to follow through in mailing a graduate school application, I'm unsure that you'll remember to mail the water bill...and I'd hate to come home and discover the water has been turned off...

And I'd like to insert here that not everything is a deal breaker. You just have to be consistent. I'm consistent. So, I expect other people to be the same. If you aren't consistent then you can't be counted on...and I don't know if I can trust you, to pick up a half gallon of milk on the way over...or more importantly with my heart. All I ask is that you exhibit your best behavior up front. Don't lie...but don't act like it's cool to be despondent. Once you're in, you are in. But if you get as far as the front porch and don't act pleased to be there...don't even bothering stepping on the lawn, much less coming up the driveway. If however, I let you past the front door...you're golden.

That said, I have fully accepted the fact that I may end up alone. That's ok...because not everyone is meant to be all coupled up. You are however meant to be happy...and if I gotta ride solo to make that happen, then I have no problem trading in my sedan for a 2-door...because all I need room for is me and my ego...