Love lockdown...

I can't love you and me too...


I mean...that's not the truth. I can, I just choose not to---any longer. Just like I'm not too proud to beg, I just choose not to. Not for forgiveness, attention, time, affection...none of that. You have got to be kidding me...


This heart is officially closed for business. Hence the title of this text. I'm saving myself from myself and putting on the cape to save the world from what will happen if it manages to get broken again. I'm not unlovable I'm sure. Just hard to love maybe, but that doesn't mean that I deserve, in any way, what I've been through. And, I'm tired. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is for the best if only for now. Maybe there will be an "open" sign in the storefront again someday... Just won't be tomorrow...and I wouldn't count on the day after that either.


Something about spending the greater part of your real adult life "connected" to someone... You know instantly when they've, unplugged, so to speak. It wasn't as if I just noticed. I knew the minute it happened. I just couldn't pinpoint what it was that caused...that. And the thought of talking about it here could bring tears to my eyes and down my cheeks before I'd even realized they'd started. It felt like I'd been pushed off someplace real high without anything to catch me. It was hard to breathe...and I was scared. I cried for along time that day. But, what's done is done, right? You can't bring someone back to a place where they don't even remember ever having been to. It's been over...many, many times. But I guess now, I now for sure. It's been real, and it's been fun. And at times it was real fun...

So, I'm planning to stimulate the economy. Every little bit helps, right??? So far, on my list of things to buy, I have a new television, new fall boots, a fiberbed and a Wii. I'm also toying with the idea of buying a new digital camera and some accessories for the apartment. I like shopping...but I must admit that it does not have the same appeal that it had when I could do it in the A. I want to travel down for a few days next week and hit the old hotspots...Sage, Market and Perimeter Mall. It's all about that time for a tattoo touch up...but that drive to Athens feels like it takes forever. Even though it's not as long as the one to the heart of Atlanta. Also, there's a fear that I'll be convinced to get another while I'm there. And I'm fresh out of places where the new addition could hide. And I'm not down with visible tats...not for girls...with regular jobs and whatnot.

I'm eating diet food again...ugh. This is about as much fun as...well...no fun at all. So far I'm down 4 pounds. Yay!!! Which means that I'm forcing myself to achieve a weight that I'm sure my body won't like. See, here's the problem...about 3 weeks ago I noticed a "shift" in the weight in my body. that's right, its moved. To new places. Places it was not allowed to go. Mostly the old new weight decided to reside in my hips and thighs...and now it won't go away. So, back to the diet food...and running...and walking..and squats and lunges...this is not fun by the way, but necessary. I've consulted with all my 30-something friends and apparently this is what happens the close you get to 30. Boooooooo....

I'm out, for now. Take care...