The Ex Files...

*Disclaimer: The messages included in this post are for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to resemble any real person-past, present or future in any likeness.*

Basically, this should make you laugh. It's not about you, or someone like you...

Really.

My Valentine's Day, at least for the past 4 years has gone a little something like this: wake up. work. flowers. text and/or phone call from at least 1 of my exes, but usually 2 of them. dinner. sex. sleep.

Those texts and or phone calls always go something like, "hey girl...how are you?...good, good. Gotta wish you a happy Valentine's day...yeah, I know...yeah, the new girlfriend is fine...taking her to dinner later...uh huh, so how is [insert name here] treating you?...ha ha...yeah, I mean, no harm in checking up on you, right?...you take care and hope you have a good day..." And for the past 4 of the 5 years, the [insert name here] has been the *exact.same.name*.

I mean, if you know me, you know that's nothing really special. I'm the serial monogamous. I'm always dating someone.seeing someone.about to see someone.thinking about seeing someone. Yes, I'm that girl. My dad said that I should never travel without a spare. I assumed he meant a spare boy. Sue me.

Anyway, you should also know that these 2 exes that call me on holidays are also the 2 exes to which I go for advice about my experiences with the opposite sex. When you want advice about men you ask a man...not your girls. If I had known this when I started dating I'd be married by now. But I didn't and I'm not. But pass that information along to all your friends...

So, this year when they call and I say, "yeah, about that...", they already know what's coming. What followed was a brief synopsis of the past 6 months, during which, what I spent 5 years involved in was reduced to "just friends and she doesn't understand...". One of these guys, to his credit said, "Well, at least you know now..." but the other, arguably my favorite of the 2, had this to say, "Can I call this dude..." I said no. But he had a good bit to say, most of which made me laugh and a little that made me cry (it's hormones, ok) but most of which I have brilliantly summarized for your reading entertainment...

Aye, from a used to be ain't shit dude to a currently ain't shit dude I have 2 things to say: 1, you ain't shit, which I know has already been covered, and 2, you've fucked up. There's good news though: you don't know or accept 1 or 2 yet, so keep living like you are and everything will be fine. One day though, you're going to find yourself, much like me---with a girl who is funny, smart, and attractive and has a big ass (which, admittedly, Banana does not have) but she will lack the one thing I haven't been able to find in any woman since her---the kind of heart that accepts you for the person you are and the person you don't even know you can be. Now, I'm not pressed for Banana by any means, clearly you aren't either. But she and I remain friends because while we recognize we are wrong for each other, there's a friendship there that was established before the relationship---and maintaining that is important to us. I care about her, both as a friend and as an ex, and because I knew better than to dog her out---a bit of knowledge I wish you'd have had---I want nothing but the best for her, and you sir, are not it.

Banana has her faults, I know. She can get on your nerves in a way that makes you mad and irritated in way you've never felt before. She can be insecure. She is too nice and has way too many pairs of shoes. Talk to her about all of that though, and you find all of that comes from the same place as all the good in her. Man, what I hope you know, is that she really loved you. Genuinely. She was thoughtful and cared about you in a way I hope a woman will be for me one day. She can cook her ass off...and one day, will make the best wife and mother ever---and, if there is a God, who is as merciful as they say, it won't be for you. No hard feelings man, she's forgiven you and wishes you well. Me, though---man, I hope we never meet...

Now, in all seriousness...

One of the reasons why I keep in touch with this guy and another like him is because when I was going through a particularly tough time with the ex with whom I am not speaking and I wanted to know what I had done wrong while dating them---they were honest. They told me how I nagged and was too much with the phone calls...and how I tried to control everything. They also told me that they loved how they could make mistakes and not feel persecuted for it---that I could forgive and try to forget. They also told me to dial back the niceness, something I haven't been able to do, but I'm a work in process. The ex with whom I am not speaking, he didn't have anything to say, save the cliche' "nothing, it was mostly my fault"...and everyone knows its never one person's fault. He didn't help me grow as a person, too afraid to hurt my feelings I guess---but since I can't trust him to be honest, we no longer speak and I'm ok with that.

In everything that I've ever been through with love, or something like it, I have tried to learn from my mistakes. In some cases I am able to take something new away and grow---in others, like with the niceness, I am not as successful. Hey, I'm human. Looking back on the past 12 years of my life...most of which I spent entangled in situations that ended badly and could have jaded my view on every relationship I could have in the future---I see a lot of good decisions and a lot of bad ones. But at every moment, I had a choice. So now, like then I have a choice---a choice to try again or wallow in something that wasn't good for me in the first place. And while my past is indicative of my un-perfectness and subsequently I've made some bad choices...I know I've made the right choice this time. Every heartbreak is a chance to make a better choice than the one you made before...

Game. Set. Match.

Flag thrown. Strike 1, 2, and 3. Error. Illegal substitution. Too many players on the field. No harm, no foul---oh, there's harm. You're catching a technical for this and being thrown out of the game...

The game has been changed...new play book and everything. It's like I've been cut from the team and didn't find out until I showed up for practice.

I guess that's what this was, huh...practice... Well, I've heard it said that practice makes perfect but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than practice to make perfect out of *you*.

It's safe to say that I've been scorned. hurt. abandoned. heart broken. used. misjudged. Really, you could take a thesaurus and look up each of those words and the synonyms would be appropriate descriptions of my current state. I think it takes a lot to get me to this point...and what a journey it was.

There's a lot about where I am that is upsetting. There were a lot of investments made, in both time and money and emotion. The thing about investments, is that you don't always get the expected return...its a risk you take putting any part of anything into something...a risk that you may not get that part back. But, its not that I was left empty handed. No. My hands are full...with regret. I hate that I spent to much of myself on a person who treated me and acted like I was common...but more so that I allowed it to happen. I am the only person who can keep my heart safe and I have fallen down on the job more times than I care to count...and each time, it gets harder to accept my burden of responsibility for being in this place... I'm more likely to forgive the offender than myself.

I can't call the end of this...or even right now. I don't know what I know...all I know is what I don't know...

I mean, you think you know someone...but when you realize you don't the person you learn the most about is yourself...

Illfitting...

Writing is cathartic. If you don't know what that means 1 of 2 things has occurred, 1) you have stumbled upon this page after Googling "wit" searching for its meaning or 2) you're really, really dumb. In either case, I will help you out because I am having a particularly good moment---it means "cleansing".

I have a lot to come clean about.

I have been up to a lot. None of it is worth mentioning. Alas, that is the life of the 20-something. The good news (or bad news) is that I leave the 20-somethings this year and become a 30-something. If I hear one more person say "30 is the new 20" I am going to scream. It reminds me of other cliche' phrases...like, "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". What-the-fuck-ever. I realize that those phrases are born partly out of truth and partly out of necessity...but the other part (because there are 3 sides to everything) is pure, unadulterated bullshit. Yes, I said it. I am guilty is using a similar phrase a time or two...but I really hate doing so. I think people get pleasure in saying "30 is the new 20"...mostly because it reminds them that they are not the only ones getting older...and for a moment they hope they can suck you into believing that your 30's will be far better than your 20's---and all the things you'd hoped for in your youth will be made possible suddenly by turning 30.

Bull.shit.

I mean, I do hope turning 30 is good for me. I hope lots of really good things come about for me and the people I love...and even the people I don't love so much...and maybe even the people who love me and I don't love them back. But, for now, I think it's ok for me to loathe the thought of being 30...let me wallow.

I should go...maybe short bursts will leave me more material for writing. But, in closing...here's this...

"for those who ever wondered if they would see the sun up, just remember when you come up, the show goes on..."

Serenity Prayer...

Dear God, I ask that you grant my ex-boyfriends the serenity to accept that I really don't want to talk to them, the courage to step away from the phone when they feel the need to contact me and the wisdom to know that I really meant everything I said when we parted ways. Amen.

Yes, I've been gone for quite some time... No need for re-introductions. I am still the same smart-mouthed, witty, sarcastic, sensitive, sweet and intelligent femme that I was many, many, many (ok, darn near forever) ago when I penned my last post.

To be honest, I stopped posting because I knew 2 things were happening: 1) my ex was likely still reading my blog and staying up to date on all the happenings of my life even though he should have no interest in doing so and 2) I was becoming a little bitter about reason #1. But, through some venting and a little therapy (albeit some it retail) I have worked through my issues with that boy...and now I figure, whosoever will, let...free blog posts for all...

Hmmmm, I guess I should catch you up on a few things: I'm turning 29 soon (I have mixed feelings about that...), I'm still in the same place as before (but, I will be talking about that less because people have a tendency to read and overshare (which, if you're one of those people considering doing that, it's probably not a good idea...), still dealing with the same guy as before (this a do as I say not as a do blog...), and living life while trying to find my place in it. Myself, I've found. Everything else, not so much.

Speaking of the same guy as before---he's still the same. I try not to think about him as much or get wrapped up in that as much, but let it suffice to say that I am not as much head over heels as before. I like to consider myself standing up straight and walking into the messes I get myself into. I have learned to pick my battles and to stop digging for dirt even when left with a shovel. I can't say I've gotten any less dirty in so, but I've managed to keep my nails clean at least. Even though romantically I am not where I'd like to be, I can at least define, for myself---without needing anyone else to, where I am. And, if you know anything about me at all, you know that is progress...

So, because I have things to do (I am an adult, after all), I leave you with this...

If you have to ask yourself, "is she talking about me..." , its not you...just someone like you, *exactly* like you even...

Not nice...

My Grandma says that I don't have anything nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all. Luckily for me she doesn't have the Internet, much less know what a blog is...

One thing I *hate* is when you say something mean or hurtful or appalling and people say, "you don't mean that...". How do *you* know??? I do not say things that I do not mean. If I say I hate you, it's true. No, I'm not mean. No, I won't feel like it's my fault if something happens after I say that. No, I'm not going to the funeral. All I did was say something that I've already thought---and trust me, you think them too. And yes, I'm judging you because you don't say them.

So, just so we are clear...everything I say after this point is something I definitely mean...

Fuck you. Yes, you. And you if you have a problem with that

Take off...

I know your parents used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted. Right now, I want you to be gone...

I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm mean. I'm not mean spirited or coldhearted. It's more like I'm really not nice. There are 2 kinds of people: people I like and everyone else. Once I like you, you're in. But if I don't like you, or if I like you and then stop liking you... Well, you know how they say the grass is greener on the other side? No only is it not greener on the side of "everyone else", but there's no grass at all. Just a bunch of lames. fronts. skeezers and scandalous stunts.

I don't enjoy being mean. I just feel driven to it by the behaviors of those around me. I mean, don't I look like I don't play??? I practically have "GO AWAY" in big bold letters on the doormat of my personality. Seriously. If I want to talk to you I will let you know. We can even develop a signal...a code if you will. If (not when) I want to talk to you I will start talking to you first. Unless I initiate conversation then the signal has not been given and we should not be engaging in conversation.

I'm making a list. Not my list to Santa (which, I'm far too grown to be writing but, if I did at the very top of my list would be a request for a better boy than the one he left me last year...and should he feel the need to re-gift this same boy to me this year, could be please make sure the modifications stick this time...and that the refurbished model is as functional as a new one would be...) but a more in depth list. Have you seen Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married"??? The movie---not the play. I'm sure the play is similar to the movie but for the sake of what I'm about to say it's the movie version that is most relevant. There's a part in there where the wife of the chick married to the doctor makes a list of all the good her man has ever done and all the bad he has ever done. If the bad outweighs the good then she should let him go...but if the good outweighs the bad then she go back to him and make it work. That's the list I'm making...

I will let you know how it comes out...

...you did me dirty but I ain't mad at all. bottom line, I hope you find what you searching for...

I'm back...again

I've been gone for a minute, but I'm back now. I've tried a couple different ways to bring you up to speed, but everything keeps getting lost in translation.

a few things-detailing the details of the past 8 months.

1) Grandma had a stroke. Shocking as it was in the moment it was less severe than it seems in those seconds that pass slow like hours. She is all better now...sassy as ever.

2) I had a mole removed. 4 actually. 1 was more problematic than I had anticipated. 36 stitches, 4 days in bed and 4 months later I'm not out of the woods yet. 2 more moles. 1 surgery. I will let you know how it goes.

3) I still hate my job. Yes, both of them. I acquired a 3rd. Teaching. Now that, I love.

4) He's still around. I thought there would be an exit stage left after May, but not so much. This summer and the months since have been harder on me than I'm willing to admit to anyone (except my therapist) or anything (except this blog). I hate that I love him. And because it's an unrequited love if there ever were one, I'm going to end up hating him before the curtain closes.

5) When God closes a door, he opens a window. My window is more like an awesome set of french doors that have me doubled over in laughter daily. I never thought I'd meet another person as awesome as me...and then I did.

6) Despite the aforementioned, I don't talk to God very often anymore. I am sad about this but not so sad that I'm doing anything about it. I'm working on accepting that the very love that should never hurt causes more pain than I know what to do with.

7) As far as I know my ex is still married. I haven't talked to him in over 4 months and I must say, I don't miss him...but I thought I would. I hoped that the change in action would be backed by changes in the person behind the action. Not so much...

7 a) Step away from the facebook message box. and the Blackberry Messenger. I do not want to talk to you. Maybe ever. But definitely not now.

8) My hair is still short. Despite all requests for it not to be it-it will remain that way...at least for the foreseeable future

9) I have not acquired any new tattoos. I want one, 2 actually but haven't been able to find exactly what I want and I'm not in love with the freestyle work I've seen lately. So, I will keep looking.

10) Best friends are those that stick with you in the middle of the storm and are willing to share their umbrella. You have some people who will be with you in the rain, but aren't willing to get a little wet to see you stay a little dry...